Santa Claus effected by heightened security measures

There is a very good possibility that millions of children all over the world, will experience the worst Christmas ever in just a few short days.

Why is a "sub standard" Christmas expected? The disastrous state of the economy is undoubtedly a factor effecting Christmas, but it is not to blame this time. The real scrooge for this Christmas is the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) The wet blankets whose sole purpose is to ban specific items from International air travel for the safety of mankind. Santa with his Reindeer powered sled, crosses international borders and is effected by these restrictions.

The following is a list from the TSA that outlines for us, and Santa, what can not be carried on the airplane or sled in Santa's case.

Sporting Goods - bats, lacrosse sticks, hockey sticks, and surprisingly Spear Guns - who knew?

Taser Guns

Knives - of any shape and size. Box Cutters are a definite "no no"

Fruit Cake - who knew that Al Qaeda would use this traditional desert as a weapon of mass destruction. There are those of you who have tried fruit cake and understand how dangerous it can be in the wrong hands.

Firearms - banned - huh?

Replica Firearms - thanks to the TSA little Johnny will not feel the excitement of opening his replica AK- 47 on Christmas morning, and being able to play "Federal Agents and the No Good Terrorist Dogs" - a modern twist on the cops and robbers, or cowboys and Indians story. Those tears that Johnny is crying are for you Mr TSA man.

Santa will also not be able to transport any gases, poisons, or radio active material. Looks like someone is not getting a dirty bomb this Christmas.

The list of items that are banned by the TSA is long and gets longer every day. As a public service I will now provide a list of items that can be transported via airplane or reindeer powered sled.

I know that by reading this list you will ruin your surprise on Christmas morning but it is my job as a public figure to educate the people.



Items approved by the TSA for Christmas gift giving:

Diapers

KY Jelly

Sunglasses

Tampons

Diabetes kit

Air Line tickets

I really wish I could have made some of this up but alas I fear it is the truth.

We can only hope the cocaine that Santa is carrying, is not found in the cavity search. We all need something to look forward to at Christmas.

Christmas in Guantanamo Bay

Well it seems that George Bush and his cronies are not the savages that the press has made them out to be. Oh his administration will go down as being the worst one in modern history, but do not say that they are heartless and don't know how to have a good time.

Recent information has just come in via the Associated Press website that talks about Christmas festivities that are happening at Guantanamo Bay Cuba. You have likely heard about Guantanamo Bay before. It's the place where George is holding all enemy combatants - like 15 year old Omar Khadr for the protection of the free world.

At Guantanamo Bay, the press has screamed that people there are being held illegally, and contrary to rules set out by the Geneva convention. Well the cries have not fallen on deaf ears. This years festive celebrations are designed to make everyone feel good about Guantanamo Bay again. The activities are being overseen by the VP - Dick Cheney and he has pulled out all the stops to make sure everyone at Guantanamo Bay gets involved in the festivities.

Thanks to Dick , there is no more water boarding for the duration of the festivities. Now people will be immersed in vats of eggnog. Reporters have stated that the sound of carolers in the camp drowns out the sound of those being dunked in the festive nog.

Government red tape and bureaucracy has even been kept to a minimum for this Christmas festival. People at Guantanamo Bay can now put up Christmas Decorations. It seems that even the prisoners are getting caught up in the excitement as this picture clearly demonstrates.

The Staff and residents of Guantanamo Bay want to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Santa - King of the Elves

Thought it was time that I pulled an "oldie but a goodie" from the archives of cartoons I have done. This one is appropriate for the season - and came about as a result of the consumerism that fills the air at Christmas.

Enjoy

"Memories of Dunkirk" - the perfume

Walking through the malls at this time of year you are guaranteed to inhale a snootful of a perfume -that should be called "Essence of Mustard Gas". A scent that causes you to get blurred vision and shortness of breath. The culprit always seems to be a senior citizen who is tottering along, seemingly unaware of the scented trail of death and destruction that they are weaving.

Why do they feel the inclination to douse themselves with such a pungent bouquet? How can they carry on their business without their eyes streaming with tears as a result of the fumes they are emitting? These old ladies also seem to travel in packs, or is it a gaggle? can't remember now, but there are always more than one of them. Making them a force to be reckoned with.

Is it possible that they are trying to relive their glory days seen after the liberation of France in the World War Two? Maybe they think that any able bodied man who catches a whiff of their scent will move heaven and earth to get to them and shower them with affection.


Ladies, World War Two was a different time. Your "Memories of Dunkirk" perfume may have caused the men to come running to you in 1945, but now you will see the men run away in droves, clutching their throats and gasping for air.

If the old biddies are not trying to relive their Glory Days - then the only rational explanation I can find for immersing oneself in such a foul odor, is to get some space when shopping. If you cover yourself in the most noxious scent known to man,you will be guaranteed that no one will come within 15 feet of you and your shopping.

During the busy Holiday season this is a big advantage when it comes to finding a bargain. No more fighting for aisle space, you can shop in a state of peace and tranquility. Of course shop clerks will draw straws to see who has to help you, and your canary will keel dead over when you get home. But for the afternoon you will be free to shop, leaving nothing but credit card receipts, and teary eyed holiday shoppers in your wake.

Hmm maybe they are on to something?