Solutions for New Year's Resolutions

Well it is only a few short hours until millions of people put additional pressure on themselves. I speak of course about the practice of setting New Years Resolutions. We will all suddenly decide Dec 31 at 11:59PM, that we will stop smoking,exercise more and eat less fast food. Our good intentions last about a week or two at the most, then we lapse back into our fast food eating, couch potato, second hand smoke generating behavior.

Why should we set such high goals only to see them fail a few weeks later? In this time of New Years Resolutions I suggest that we lower the bar. Make goals for ourselves that we can achieve. It is when we achieve these goals that we feel a sense of satisfaction.

I'll provide examples of realistic goals that you can set for yourself for your New Years Resolution along with a game plan on how to achieve that goal. Feel free to modify these examples to suit your specific needs.

1. Eat more cheese - Pretty simple to accomplish really. One extra cheese slice a day and you can have this goal achieved If you don't like cheese, substitute in something else that you enjoy eating like apple pie or bagels for example.

2.Eat more vegetables - this can be achieved with a slice of lettuce or tomato on your Big Mac. You still get all the saturated fats that you love,but you will feel better about yourself because you are achieving a goal.

3. If your a smoker - make a resolution to only smoke filtered cigarettes. Fight the urge to start chewing a wad of "tabbaca", or roll your own cigarettes.

4. Get more sleep - setting your alarm 2 - 3 minutes later will accomplish this goal and your body won't have to adjust to any change in your sleep pattern.

See New Years Resolutions are easy and fun when you use this system. In a few weeks you can stand up at your place of work all smug and brimming with self satisfaction knowing that while others have failed, you have achieved your not so lofty goals.

HUZZAH!

Santa Claus effected by heightened security measures

There is a very good possibility that millions of children all over the world, will experience the worst Christmas ever in just a few short days.

Why is a "sub standard" Christmas expected? The disastrous state of the economy is undoubtedly a factor effecting Christmas, but it is not to blame this time. The real scrooge for this Christmas is the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) The wet blankets whose sole purpose is to ban specific items from International air travel for the safety of mankind. Santa with his Reindeer powered sled, crosses international borders and is effected by these restrictions.

The following is a list from the TSA that outlines for us, and Santa, what can not be carried on the airplane or sled in Santa's case.

Sporting Goods - bats, lacrosse sticks, hockey sticks, and surprisingly Spear Guns - who knew?

Taser Guns

Knives - of any shape and size. Box Cutters are a definite "no no"

Fruit Cake - who knew that Al Qaeda would use this traditional desert as a weapon of mass destruction. There are those of you who have tried fruit cake and understand how dangerous it can be in the wrong hands.

Firearms - banned - huh?

Replica Firearms - thanks to the TSA little Johnny will not feel the excitement of opening his replica AK- 47 on Christmas morning, and being able to play "Federal Agents and the No Good Terrorist Dogs" - a modern twist on the cops and robbers, or cowboys and Indians story. Those tears that Johnny is crying are for you Mr TSA man.

Santa will also not be able to transport any gases, poisons, or radio active material. Looks like someone is not getting a dirty bomb this Christmas.

The list of items that are banned by the TSA is long and gets longer every day. As a public service I will now provide a list of items that can be transported via airplane or reindeer powered sled.

I know that by reading this list you will ruin your surprise on Christmas morning but it is my job as a public figure to educate the people.



Items approved by the TSA for Christmas gift giving:

Diapers

KY Jelly

Sunglasses

Tampons

Diabetes kit

Air Line tickets

I really wish I could have made some of this up but alas I fear it is the truth.

We can only hope the cocaine that Santa is carrying, is not found in the cavity search. We all need something to look forward to at Christmas.

Christmas in Guantanamo Bay

Well it seems that George Bush and his cronies are not the savages that the press has made them out to be. Oh his administration will go down as being the worst one in modern history, but do not say that they are heartless and don't know how to have a good time.

Recent information has just come in via the Associated Press website that talks about Christmas festivities that are happening at Guantanamo Bay Cuba. You have likely heard about Guantanamo Bay before. It's the place where George is holding all enemy combatants - like 15 year old Omar Khadr for the protection of the free world.

At Guantanamo Bay, the press has screamed that people there are being held illegally, and contrary to rules set out by the Geneva convention. Well the cries have not fallen on deaf ears. This years festive celebrations are designed to make everyone feel good about Guantanamo Bay again. The activities are being overseen by the VP - Dick Cheney and he has pulled out all the stops to make sure everyone at Guantanamo Bay gets involved in the festivities.

Thanks to Dick , there is no more water boarding for the duration of the festivities. Now people will be immersed in vats of eggnog. Reporters have stated that the sound of carolers in the camp drowns out the sound of those being dunked in the festive nog.

Government red tape and bureaucracy has even been kept to a minimum for this Christmas festival. People at Guantanamo Bay can now put up Christmas Decorations. It seems that even the prisoners are getting caught up in the excitement as this picture clearly demonstrates.

The Staff and residents of Guantanamo Bay want to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Santa - King of the Elves

Thought it was time that I pulled an "oldie but a goodie" from the archives of cartoons I have done. This one is appropriate for the season - and came about as a result of the consumerism that fills the air at Christmas.

Enjoy

"Memories of Dunkirk" - the perfume

Walking through the malls at this time of year you are guaranteed to inhale a snootful of a perfume -that should be called "Essence of Mustard Gas". A scent that causes you to get blurred vision and shortness of breath. The culprit always seems to be a senior citizen who is tottering along, seemingly unaware of the scented trail of death and destruction that they are weaving.

Why do they feel the inclination to douse themselves with such a pungent bouquet? How can they carry on their business without their eyes streaming with tears as a result of the fumes they are emitting? These old ladies also seem to travel in packs, or is it a gaggle? can't remember now, but there are always more than one of them. Making them a force to be reckoned with.

Is it possible that they are trying to relive their glory days seen after the liberation of France in the World War Two? Maybe they think that any able bodied man who catches a whiff of their scent will move heaven and earth to get to them and shower them with affection.


Ladies, World War Two was a different time. Your "Memories of Dunkirk" perfume may have caused the men to come running to you in 1945, but now you will see the men run away in droves, clutching their throats and gasping for air.

If the old biddies are not trying to relive their Glory Days - then the only rational explanation I can find for immersing oneself in such a foul odor, is to get some space when shopping. If you cover yourself in the most noxious scent known to man,you will be guaranteed that no one will come within 15 feet of you and your shopping.

During the busy Holiday season this is a big advantage when it comes to finding a bargain. No more fighting for aisle space, you can shop in a state of peace and tranquility. Of course shop clerks will draw straws to see who has to help you, and your canary will keel dead over when you get home. But for the afternoon you will be free to shop, leaving nothing but credit card receipts, and teary eyed holiday shoppers in your wake.

Hmm maybe they are on to something?

Environmental Tips for the Every Man

Anyone out there with one of those boxes with the moving pictures on it, is familiar with Al Gore and his crusade against Global Warming through his movie "An Inconvenient Truth". He has been the poster boy for saving the world ever since that movie came out. I recently saw the Leonardo DiCaprio and Stephan Hawking movie called "The 11th Hour" It deals with the current global environmental mess we find ourselves in. I do recommend that everyone see the movie so you are informed of the situation. On the subject of the movie I thought I'd insert a comment on Stephan Hawking. The man is a genius to the nth degree but he sure as hell can't act. All his performances look wooden and lifeless. You mailed this one in Stephan. Get your money back from those acting classes.



Movies of the "An Inconvenient Truth" and "11th Hour" ilk always cause me to reflect on what I can do to stem the tide of an imminent disaster. The power of One and all that. I'm not going to sell my car, and boycott all plastic based products. But what changes can I make to my life that will help the world? It was that very question that prompted me to provide the following list of environmentally friendly tips for people who don't want to be inconvenienced.

1. Don't Cut your lawn - green grass will absorb some of the pollutants in the air. Not as much as the rain forest but every bit helps. Don't get envious of your neighbors well manicured lawn - know that in your heart you are the better person by doing your part to save the planet, and they will spend eternity screaming in the pits of hell.

2. Methane is a prime contributor to green house gases, so if you feel the urge to fart, pass gas, break wind whatever you may call it, may I suggest the following environmentally friendly option. Take a glass jar, place it on your buttocks and trap the offending gas in the container. Screw on the air tight cap. It is important that the jars are LABELED APPROPRIATELY and placed in a secure area. Sit back and relax. With this one small step, you are saving dangerous methane gas from escaping into the environment and also recycling glass jars

3. Biofuels - the latest buzz word in the field of energy. The energy from corn or algae can be used to power your house. So delay cleaning your aquarium, let the algae grow and flourish. In only a few weeks you'll be able to harvest the algae, and surf for porn with no carbon footprint.

4. Send your leftover meatloaf to Sudan. North Americans waste so much food, while others are eating dirt in order to survive. Now you can help your fellow man. Instead of scraping the leftovers into the trash - call up one of those "overnight guaranteed" shipping companies such as Fed Ex or UPS, and schedule overnight delivery of your meatloaf to Jafar in Sudan.

This method is also a good way of dealing with the fruit cake you are sure to get over the holidays. Fruit Cake by it's very construction can be sent by regular mail and is not necessary to spend extra postage for overnight delivery.

Involuntary Muscle Control and you.

Involuntary muscle control - to explain this in it's simplest form is muscles in the body that we do not control consciously. Muscles such as the pupils in our eyes, the muscles involved in breathing and of course the sphincter.

This idea of involuntary muscle control in the body, has become so routine for us that it does not even seem worth mentioning, but consider for a moment if one day you had to consciously control the muscles in your body that you currently do on autopilot. What effect would that have on your day to day exist?

I'm being honest here but I think if I had to consciously control my sphincter at all moments of the day, I 'm sure to mess my pants with great regularity. A lot of problems come up in the course of the day that demand all my attention, and as we know the sphincter does not like to be ignored. You can imagine the scene, your boss comes up to you and asks for your opinion on the company 3rd quarter numbers, you glance down at the sheet and try to make sense of the jumble of numbers and for that one short instant you lost control of your sphincter. Chaos ensues.

You think being at work would be bad, but imagine your commute. There are a lot of things happening on the road that require our full attention. Having your full attention on the road means you're not concentrating on your sphincter, I'm sure you know the rest.

So take a moment and stop whatever you are doing, and say a silent pray to St.Cloaca, the patron saint of sphincters. Thank him for his continued attention to detail.

Power tools are not my friends.

After this past weekend I vow never to touch a table saw or do any DIY household improvements again. The prognosis from the doctor was positive and he thinks that I should be able to live a perfectly normal life with a new Orangutan arm.

Yeah, you read that right , an orangutan arm. Orangutan's are renown for their climbing ability so when the stitches come out I'm looking forward to showing off at the rock climbing wall down the street. Finding a shirt that fits is difficult now as one arm is a good 6 inches longer than the other one but we all have to make sacrifices.

How did I come to need an Orangutan arm stitched on to me? Good question. I'll clear up the confusion.

Last weekend when I was nearing the bottom of my "Honey Do" list,the last slip of paper I pulled out had one simple request on it. "Replace broken boards in the fence" Finally something I could handle. My DIY skills where limited to vacuuming and taking the garbage out - but replace fence boards - pshaw how hard could it be?

Going down to the basement I pulled out a few boards that would suit my purposes. It was simply a matter of measuring , twice and cutting once, and running the boards through the table saw and I could expect to be done shortly after.

I started up the saw and it burst into action with an uncharacteristic high pitched whine. Hmm that's odd I thought, no matter, I only had to make few cuts, then I could shut the saw off, and have it sit in a state of inaction for another 6 months before I needed it again.


It was only when the first few cuts where made, that I realized that something was wrong. As soon as the saw teeth bit into the board, the saw blade wobbled dangerously. I assumed, wrongly, that it was merely my eyes playing tricks on me, so I soldiered on cutting the board. Let me insert here a simple note about ensuring all table saws be thoroughly checked prior to starting for any defects or loose bolts. The saw blade continued to bite into the board, no problems, but suddenly the blade hit a knot in the wood. There was a loud KLANG! and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room with my new primate arm.

I talked to the paramedic who found my arm, he stated that he had had several cases of people injuring themselves on the exact same ACME Table Saw model that I used. Who knew that ACME did not have quality products? The model I had was apparently ACME's first venture into the industrial paper shredder market, and was not suited to handle anything tougher then 15 sheets of paper.

The Orangutan arm was a lucky coincidence if you listen to the paramedic tell the tale. Apparently shortly after I arrived at the hospital there was a large accident involving several trucks from the traveling Circus. The Orangutan truck got the worst of the accident and in the confusion an organ donor card was wrongly associated with "Gyppo" the Orangutan. Once my surgeon had put the call out for a donor arm, the carnage at the circus accident was being cleaned up, and they where able to find a suitable donor arm for me.

I've been warned to expect a few side effects with my new arm,increased climbing ability was one, as well as the need to throw my feces at bystanders. They gave me pills to hopefully control the bouts of poo flinging so I'm expecting to be back at work on Monday.

What not to say when on a date.

The world of dating is fraught with many perils. I am happy to say that I have put the dating world behind me and moved into the "happily ever after world" if you believe the Hallmark marketing people. But even though I am not part of the dating scene I wanted to provide as a public service announcement some of the things you should not say during a date. Feel free to print out the list and use it as a reference guide during your next speed dating episode.


Things not to say during courtship:

1. "The Doctor says it's not contagious"

2. "This ankle bracelet itches"

3. "Is it ok that I brought my kids along? I could not find a sitter."

4. "I live at home with my mom"

5. "This crack is making me jittery"

6. "What's an HIV test?"

7. "Did you see me last week on Springer?"

8. "The judge said my ex had it coming to him, and deserved everything he got"

9. "Lorenna Bobbit - my hero"

10. "Did you fart?"

11. "I'm hung like a grape"


Got any more that need to be added to the list? The dating public need useful resources like these to help them find true love or at least get a quickie.

The Bad Boss Gene

In this age of gene manipulation and DNA testing wouldn't it be a great step forward for mankind when we can test for the "Bad Boss Gene". This is the gene that makes your boss irrational and prone to changing the rules and expectations at a moment's notice. Bosses who have a deep seated resentment to anyone that they have to pay and doesn't agree to work for free, are also classic indicators of this gene being present.

I'll pause here for a moment so you can consider your current working situation, does your boss exhibit any of these signs? It's also important to remember that these are just a few of the common symptoms. Other symptoms that have been reported are shortened lunch breaks, and mandatory overtime. Scientists feel that the "mandatory overtime" strand is seen as a key indicator on the presence of a dominant version of the "Bad Boss Gene"

Knowing that your boss has the "Bad Boss Gene" and will be unable to change his/her behavior, may motivate you to update your resume.


A small start up company who pays homage to "Dilbert" with it's company name, "Pointy Headed Boss Detector" have seen the need for just this service. Their advertisements state that all they need to test for the Bad Boss Gene is a strand of hair, some saliva etc. Their kit comes complete with cotton swabs, an airtight container that you can ship the sample back to them in (they even pay the postage) and a series of tips and tricks for getting a sample from your boss without him or her knowing.

Some of the suggestions for getting a sample are definitely easier to do than others:

Offer to take his suit in for dry cleaning - prior to dropping the suit off at dry cleaners, pluck few loose hairs off the collar for testing.

Offer to refill his coffee cup - before you refill it, brush the rim of the cup with the aforementioned cotton swab and send in for testing.

After hours shake your bosses computer keyboard upside down. - Any particles of left over lunch or skin cells will fall out, all of which can be used to see whether or not your boss has the "Bad Boss Gene"

There is another example that seems a bit extreme for my liking, it involves a candlelight dinner, copious amounts of wine and some Rohypnol.

Have you seen other symptoms exhibited? How have you been successful in getting a sample of your bosses DNA without them knowing?

Transplant or Take Out?

A leading professor at Winston College in London is breeding pigs that will be used to provide organs for humans. Apparently at the genetic level there is not much difference between man - the species - and pigs.

The whole idea of organ donation from barnyard animals does cause the brain to overheat trying to deal with the implications. But just think for a moment when scientists are finally able to successfully complete a back bacon or pork ribs transplant to humans. That one successful transplant is sure to open up a whole new market in the Chinese organ harvesting industry. Currently Chinese prisoners - or members of the Falun Gong religious sect, are harvested for their livers , and hearts etc, these organs are rushed to a "worthy recipient" - i.e some law abiding citizen who's check cleared.

With a successful pork rib transplant, prisoner's body parts could be sold to big restaurant chains - think about Appleby's, The Keg, Montana's the sky is the limit.

Though truth be told, if word ever leaks out about this practice, restaurants are sure to see an initial decline in their "All You Can Eat" rib nights.

People will overcome their disgust, and restaurants will see an increase in profits. Honestly pig ribs, or prisoner ribs - when you cover them in barbecue sauce - they're all so delicious.

Overprotective Parents need to stay away from their kids.

You can't swing a dead cat - or a baby seal, without hitting an overly protective parent and their fragile offspring. These are the parents who insisted on the rubber safety surface at the playground so little Ashley does not get a skinned knee. The people who insist that little Justin wears a bike helmet when he's cruising the sidewalk in their gated community. I ask you - What pray tell is a small piece of plastic strapped to little Justin's noggin going to do, when the SUV driven by a drunk and very distraught day trader, swerves across the road into his path? But I digress...

Kids and people, learn and grow through trial and error. You only had to lick the stove element once - ok maybe twice, to see that it really would burn you. Part of learning to ride a bike was falling off - swearing under your breath - and getting back on the bike. It was only after your knees and elbows where bruised, bloody and resembling ground beef that you finally where able to master that whole balance thing. Your bloodied elbows where signs to everyone that you overcame the obstacles and conquered that damn two wheeled monster - the bicycle.



Kids today are not allowed to get skinned knees - see previous example about cushioned safety surfaces - there are no "losers" in school competitions anymore. Parents drive their children the three blocks to school in their pollution belching SUV's for fear little Mary gets hit by a stray asteroid. (Now if Mary was wearing her bike helmet to school she would not have to worry about any silly asteroids.) Overly protective parents have been known to not serve solid food until their children have their own permanent teeth. When will the madness end?

Life will come along and make us skin our collective knees - that is what it does. You cannot stop that - you can only grow from it and learn. You are doing your kids a disservice if you don't let them stick their finger in a light socket. Hey Dr. Phil recommends it so it must be good parenting. Was it Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer who mentioned that? No matter - we all know TV does not lie.....

Germs, Viruses and Bacterium oh my...

If you pay attention to the advertising out there, our world is simply awash with all manner of germs and viruses. At any moment we are mere seconds away from certain death,from a virus that affixed itself to us when we opened the washroom door. The microscopic vermin are everywhere - door knobs, pens, loose change,your children - it's make the brain over heat, when you start to think about how many of the vermin are out there plotting our demise.

But wait - there is now an answer to our collective germ phobia - hand sanitizers. I'm sure the person who invented these devices - Hans Sanitizer - I believe he was Dutch - won the Noble Prize for his invention and for doing his part for saving humanity.

How do they work? Glad you asked. These small bottles are filled with an alcohol based solution that when applied to your hands kills all germs on contact. In theory it sounds like a great idea - what on earth could go wrong?

Well, consider for a moment where people store these handy life saving devices? Take a poll at your work , or cell block, and I'm sure you'll hear answers like, purses, glove compartments, on my desk etc. Places where the product is easily accessible. But here is the potential flaw in the system - all these places are themselves, a potential ebola virus breeding ground. We need to come up with a product to sanitize the sanitizer.

If your hand sanitizer is sitting on your desk amidst the viruses and bacterium - as soon as you pick it up, you have placed your life, and the life of others at risk. Prior to picking up the sanitizer you need to apply Mr. Hans Sanitizer's newest product "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer". This product comes with latex gloves - packaged in a sterile air tight package - and a bucket with applicator.

Put on the gloves , use the "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer" applicator on the hand sanitizer on your desk, or in your purse. Remove the latex gloves, and dispense the aforementioned hand sanitizer. Rub hands together - ensuring that the nasty germ killing product has effectively covered you.

Phew - that was a lot of work - but saving lives is a task that I will willing undertake. I will let this post serve as my public service announcement.

Remember these easy steps

1. Put on Latex Gloves

2. Use "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer" Applicator on the surface of any sanitizing product.

3. Then, and only then, can you dispense the life saving sanitizing lotion.

Failure to follow these steps could mean that you, or your family could be stricken with a rare tropical disease. You could then find yourself as the subject of a Discovery Channel documentary - "The family who developed blowholes - check your local listings." Don't let it happen to those you love.

Can I get that with extra snake?

What will the killjoys think of next?

I will now not be able to get my fix of snake - python to be precise at my next dinner out. A restaurateur in the UK was offering up Python in coconut sauce as a Halloween special. But alas we will never experience this delicacy. The animal rights activists state, that the snake continues to live for up to an hour after the head has been removed.

Let's be honest here - how productive can that time be? A snake doesn't do much during it's normal day to day routine, other then consume family pets. It has a fairly mundane existence. So if we where to hack it's head off - there is not apt to be much left outstanding on it's reptilian to-do list. It's not like the restaurant is offer a Noble Prize winner in a delicate cream sauce as an entree.

Well if I can't get my Python in coconut sauce - I think I'll have to try the Koala Skewers - they cook it table side.

Mmmmm - has a faint hint of eucalyptus.....

This bag is not a toy.

Things that make me go hmmm....

So you've had a hang nail now for a few weeks and the pain has gotten unbearable. You find yourself late at night thumbing through your local phone directory looking for a solution. Exotic Dancers, Explosives,Extermination and Fumigation - close but not exactly what you where thinking ah ha here it is Euthanasia - Mercy Killing. Interesting there are several places to choose from. Where do I get consumer reviews for the businesses listed here? I mean who do I choose?

There is a lot of responsibility for any company offering mercy killing - would you want to go to an establishment that accepted competitors coupons? Not likely. What about one that offered you the choice to super size it? Not sure what a "supersize" deal is at a mercy killing store. Apparently the store will include either a family pet, or one family member free of charge, to be included in the package. There is likely a large segment of the married market for whom that offer does not appeal - "I'm dying to get away from him/her " is a phrase heard quite often I am sure by the salespeople at that store.



There are options for the budget conscience consumer as well - a do it yourself kit. Hmm looks like a plastic bag - "Instructions - Place over head - secure tightly" Oh look at this - in red letters at the bottom - "This bag is not a toy"


Here is an interesting option for the DIY crowd- William Hung sings the classics - extended version. Comes with one CD - (Extended version) and an Al-Quaida approved box cutter. It does not come with instructions, but anyone can see you put the CD on track one, and press "repeat all". In no time at all, the manufacturer guarantees that you will happily slice your wrists open - or you get your money back. Now that is an offer that any company would be happy to stand behind.

Our product will kill you, or you get your money back- finally some truth in advertising....

Greenland - Fact or Fiction?

There has been some discussion over at Humor Bloggers.com about the Internet habits of the natives of Greenland, specifically whether they enjoy humor blogs. Rather then looking into the extent of the current Greenland fiber optic cable network, and if it is in fact restricting Greenlanders from enjoying the bounty of the Internet, I ask the question - does in fact Greenland even exist?

Pause for a moment to consider.....

Do you know anyone from Greenland? Perhaps you work with a former Greenlandite? No? Hmm I've talked to my parole officer and he has not known any Greenlanders to have used his services before. Oh and the hot dog vendor on the street corner - after he told me to go F@$%^ myself, stated that he does not believe that any natives of Greenland have bought his hot dogs.

Ok so what does this informal survey prove? Not a lot really - but it raises the question if in fact there even is a Greenland.

Let's look at the evidence.

No one has ever met anyone from Greenland

No one from Greenland has come to my blog - as per Google Analytics

Hot Dog Vendor guy has never knowingly sold his product to a Greenlander

And the country is covered in Ice and Snow

I'm from Canada and we have 10 months of winter and 2 months of bad skiing, but even we have Internet access and we use this technology to surf porn and buy Cheesie Snacks in the shape of Jesus - Ahh technology it's a wonderful thing.

The conspiracy theorists amongst us state that the moon landing was faked - if they can fake that - how hard would it be to make an imaginary country full of ice and snow?

Look at their flag



Does it look like any real thought went into that? Or did the marketing department at Warner Brothers simply have a deadline to meet?



If the people of Greenland get this message - please let me know that

a) Greenland is a valid country and not something dreamed up on a Hollywood backlot somewhere

b) you have Internet Access

c) you have indoor plumbing

An anxious world awaits your response.

Halloween and the woman within.

Halloween, All Hallows Eve,whatever you call it - it's the one time of the year when grown men can prance around in their wife's lingerie and make up, and not get added to the sex offender list.



What is it with men dressing up as women at Halloween? I mean it certainly is anything but original. Any Halloween party is apt to have several hairy overweight men mincing around in high heels and fishnets - I'm sorry about that image - but you have to see the truth for what it is - and it is not a pretty picture.

Do you have a man in your life,or social circle, that dresses up in womens' clothing every year for Halloween? Sure they may try to keep it fresh and "original" - one year Betty Boop ,next year Pam Anderson and this year he's looking at that Paris Hilton costume. This is not normal behavior for anyone with an XY chromosone.

When you catch him prancing around in front of the mirror in your stockings and garter belt and he tells you he's trying out a new Halloween costume - in June - be concerned. I mean ladies - the manufacturers tell you that the fabric stretches, but your stockings won't be the same after that hairy, stinky creature poured himself into it.

Buy him some Cher DVD's and put a lock on your closet - you can thank me later.

And the Blind shall see and the lame will walk again ...

This just in...The End is Near. Impending Doom is Immenient, we're all going to die! But what's this you say? - my donation of $50 can save me from being on Satan's dance card? Well it certainly is a good thing that I tuned into this evangelical infomercial.

You've all seen them - faith healers pacing the stage, healing the sick and making the lame walk. The fact that they exist does not concern me. There are crazies everywhere - need proof - stroll any street in your hometown late at night. The crazies come out to look for grubs and berries, and preach about how Homer Simpson is the new Messiah.



My question is how do the crazies get a national TV show? and who in God's green earth believes these guys?

Hell, we as humans are not the smartest inhabitants on the planet - in fact I have worked with people who would lose to Blue Green Algae in an IQ test, but even they would have a hard time sending their money to these televised snake oil salesmen. Seems people will believe anything if it is on that box with the moving pictures on it. Help me restore my faith in the intelligence of my fellow man.

If you ever, ever, feel the urge to put pen to paper and fill out a check for Reverend Jessie Greenjeans and his miracle bottle of Anti - Satanic scented body lotion - first slap yourself - hard - then fill the check out to me, and send it along. I'm sure I can find a good use for your money. And you have my assurances, along with my personal close relationship to Reverand Homer Simpson, to ease your fears that I will spend the money in an irresponsible manner.

The dead vote in Texas.

To quote Monty Python .."Bring out your dead, Bring out your dead"
I'm assuming of course, that you have a corpse or two still lying around in the basement or the garage. It's awkward dragging a corpse to the curb on garbage day,and the neighbors do tend stare and talk amongst themselves.... Well fear not, there is a perfectly reasonable solution to your corpse problem. Take them voting with you. Yes folks that wing of the government that is in charge of registering voters, has decided to register dead people Read it here if you don't believe me - I'll wait....

Ok do you see now? Just because your dead, does not mean that you cannot be part of the democratic process. Mighty thoughtful of those government types to let the dead vote, but to me it sets a dangerous precedent. If the dead can vote what is to stop the government from allowing house pets, ornamental flowers and women to vote as well? And if that goes through we're all going to hell in an proverbial hand basket.

Sarcasm is defined as: a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark

To hell with the polar bears I'm driving Jimmy to school!

International Walk your Kid to School Day - mark your calendars folks. Oct 8th. You can save the planet and mankind by walking your children to school.

Correct me if I'm wrong but did we not walk to school everyday in the olden days - i.e 10- 15 years ago? Now little Jimmy has to get a ride from mommy just to get his shoes from the closet.

If "International Walk to School Day " was being marketed as a chance for families to bond whilst they walk their brood to school - I would find it unpalatable sure, but a lot easier to swallow then this charade. Park the SUV and save the environment by walking Jimmy to school.

While you have the SUV parked - throw out the video game console and computer so little Jimmy is "forced " to play outside - get some exercise kid. And parents - stop using your loud , annoying and pollutant spewing leaf blowers - try an environmentally friendly tool called a ...rake.

If you want to save the environment -sell one of your SUV's and get a rickshaw. You can still drive your kids to school and you can save the planet too. As a fellow occupant of the planet - let me be the first to thank you.



Of course if will only take a few days of running little Jimmy to school in a rickshaw, before your cholesterol impacted arteries burst, and you fall to the ground clutching your chest. But fear not dear suburbanite - your sacrifice was worth it.

Childhood obesity and diabetes is on the rise you say? Hmm I wonder why? Can I get the fries supersized?

Growing up in the 70's with lead based paint.

I had the pleasure of growing up in the 70's and 80's. A time dear reader when we rode bicycles without helmets and lived to tell the tale. A time when a there was lead everywhere. Toys that where not made in China had lead in them, We grew up in lead painted cribs and we regularly snacked on peeling flakes of lead paint . Oh the memories..sigh....

The 70's was also a time when kids played outside. Now kids don't leave their homes for fear that a strolling band o' pedophiles snatches them up and uses them as a prop in a bizarre satanic ritual. When we played outside we never thought of using sunscreen - what the hell was that? Now parents are slathering their brood in SPF 600 and reapplying every 15 minutes for fear their children get assaulted by UV rays. And what are UV rays anyway? They sure were not around in the 70's

Children today stay tucked away in doors surfing the internet. Where it is much safer ......

And don't get me started on pesticides - hell we had stuff that would cause birth defects in every creature on the food chain and no one thought anything of it, but by golly it would clean your house and kill the weeds in your garden.

What changed? When did the overly protective parents find the time to get organized, between driving their kids to school,piano practice , soccer practice and organizing a bottle drive for the amazon rain forest.

I'm thinking if we don't come to our collective senses quickly, we'll all be living in hermetically sealed bubbles and living on a diet of processed food - because we all know that man made food is safer then anything nature ever could have come up with.

He loves me , he loves me not....

This image appears compliments of yours truly. Something that I dredged out of the archives and an example of some of the cartoons that I do when I get struck with a creative idea. Hope you enjoy it.

Oh yeah so your up to date - Lilo is a lesbian, and the US economy is going down the toilet. La La La

Like Nero - George fiddles while the US combusts

PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human Milk

Sometimes as a blogger you have those days when you just can't find anything to write about, and then there are those days when the blogs just seem to write themselves.

I present by way of an example the following headline:

PETA Urges Ben & Jerry's To Use Human Milk

Do I really even need to add anything to this? I mean it's funny enough as it is right now. Maybe Pamela Anderson wants to expand her role with the organization and sees this as the right opportunity.

Apparently milking a cow is cruel and unusual punishment - to the cow. I've had the pleasure (?) of having worked on dairy farms in the past and all the cows there seemed well adjusted, and actually eager to get milked. Of course it could have been a farm of fetish cows who liked their udders manipulated by large metal machines - I did not look into it at the time.

PETA states that the milk from the cow should go to the baby calf . Ok fair enough - but shouldn't the milk from the lactating human mother be used for her baby as well? If that is the case where do they propose to get this supply of mother's milk? There cannot be that many lactating women without children, out there ready and willing to sell any excess breast milk to Ben and Jerry's.

If this goes through as PETA hopes, the wet nurse market will explode and there will be yet another reason for people to swim the Rio Grande

Imagine if you will what this breast milk ice cream would be called? Ben and Jerry's has fun names to start with but this is likely to take the cake. What would you call it?

Vote for me at Humor Blogs.com

Karma at work...

It's funny how karma works. For you lazy sods out there who can't be be bothered to click on the link to read the article yourself - allow me to summarize...Boss who fired a group of former employees got his comeuppance when they all took time out of their busy days to bludgeon him to death.. Ahhh warms the cockles of your heart doesn't it? Where the hell are your cockles anyway? But I digress.

Imagine if all the people who have lost their savings and their homes due to the current US financial mess, got organized and bludgeoned to death some of the CEOs who are making millions off this crisis - that would make for some entertaining nightly news. Hell why stop at the CEO - take a trip to Washington. Lots of targets there just asking for a thumpin'. Someone needs to make a facebook group and get this thing organized. Do not look at me - I'm an ideas guy - get it off the ground - that is someone else's department. Oh and speaking of departments, yours is closing on Friday - we'll be happy to provide a box for your things.

The CEO works at Humor Blogs.com Take your angry, newly unemployed asses, over there and deliver a thumpin'.


Oh yeah this picture ^^doesn't have anything to do with the post..... When in doubt insert gratuitous cleavage picture.

French's Mustard and the Freshness Seal

Well the other day my wife and I were at a local steakhouse for dinner. Before our food arrived our waitress had dropped off a container of condiments. Well boredom drove me to reading the labels on the mustard , ketchup, etc and in doing so I discover a very important piece of demographical information.

To summarize - those who use French's products are dolts. Don't worry I'll explain. There is a section on the label - I think it was entitled something silly like "How to enjoy your French's mustard" and it contained a series of steps you needed to do to allow the mustardy goodness to come forth. Step 1: - remove lid Step 2: remove freshness seal Step 3: replace lid Step 4: squeeze bottle.

You can't make these things up people.

My first thought was, if you need instructions on how to operate mustard you likely have larger issues. Do not pass go - do not collect 200 dollars - go directly to the sterilization clinic and do us all a favor.

Another odd thing was that these inane instructions where not repeated on all the condiments - just French's products. Seems consumers of French's may not be all that smart. An example of the instructions on the other condiments - "open the f*#@&^% bottle and squeeze jackass" - ok maybe I paraphrased a bit but the intention is the same.

It's scary to think that there are people out there right now - you probably work with some - that need help in order to properly "operate"(?) a condiment bottle. These same people in all likelihood drive cars, probably have firearms in their homes and God help us all may have successfully reproduced. We're doomed - a nation of dolts - they walk among us

Remove the freshness seal at Humor Blogs.com and be sure to vote for me.

May not be exactly as advertised - Buyer Beware

This post is on our cultures current obsession with plastic surgery - all done with the intention of making you look years younger, look hotter etc.

What plastic surgery really does now, is just confuse the hell out of any potential admirers. Are those her real breasts - or am I simply salivating over bags of saline??

So many people are having surgery now, that it should be mandatory for the plastic surgery obsessed members of our society, to carry a card that states that they have had extensive surgery and are not exactly as advertised. Perhaps it could include a checklist so people can see that this person is not a natural Adonis but rather a walking bill board for Dr Gonzales' home of the $20 butt lift.

I submit as evidence your honor a list of the plastic surgery being conducting now - list is provided courtesy of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons - and you know they would not lie..

* breast augmentation or enlargement
* breast implant removals
* breast lift
* buttock lift
* chin, cheek, or jaw reshaping (facial implants or soft tissue augmentation)
* dermabrasion
* eyelid lift
* facelift
* forehead lift
* hair replacement/transplantation
* lip augmentation
* liposuction
* lower body lift
* nose reshaping
* thigh lift
* tummy tuck
* upper arm lift
* Botox injections
* cellulite treatment
* chemical peel
* plumping/collagen or fat injections (facial rejuvenation)
* laser skin resurfacing
* laser treatment of leg veins

Breasts are the top three surgeries listed - no surprise there. I'm sure that us men and our peanut sized brains are responsible for that somehow. Women - if you show a man some serious cleavage, he will lose the ability to speak and turn into a drooling, frothing at the mouth imbecile.

It's a rare thing to see a natural beauty nowadays. Could you imagine for a moment the singles bar if this plastic surgery card was in place? Me thinks that there would be less cougar sightings.....

They got the fat sucked out of their ass over at Humor Blogs.com

What happened to the good old witch hunt?

What happened to the good old witch hunt? I'm talking of the time that grown men and women got gripped by hysteria and ran around their neighborhoods stoning, burning and dunking (early version of water boarding) any unfortunate sap that crossed their path. It truly was a golden time for panic and hysteria and the ability for getting back at your neighbors.

If there where as many "witches" as some of the crazy puritans said there where I' m sure some have survived to the present day. I'm not talking of practitioners of Wicca but rather the whole "eye of toad, wing of bat" kind of witches.

At the peak of the witch hunt craze, people where arbitrarily accusing anyone who acted and talked different of witchcraft - a death sentence to all in involved. Now if we accused people today of acting or talking differently - we are more likely to give them Ritalin or the current pharmaceutical flavor of the month and likely see ourselves on Jerry Springer - "I done thought she was a witch Jerry "

Yes sir we have effectively medicated any modern witch into a state of compliance.

Nostalgia always make me feel blue - we will never experience the fear/joy of seeing your neighbor sentenced to death for witchcraft - nor are we ever likely to experience the carnival atmosphere at a witch burning - no chance to buy souvenirs and tell the grand kids. No chance to try a new career as witch hunter. No, thanks to modern science we are stuck here in our hamster wheels chasing after the cheese.

They have hamsters at Humor Blogs.com

Anniversary of that fateful day

Everyone older then 7 knows what happened on this day 7 years ago - you don't need me to remind you. The most influential day in our history , and if you can stand the use of an over used cliche - the day that changed history.

So much has changed in our world since that day, and it is not likely that we will ever be able to revert back to how we lived our lives prior to 9/11 - this is the new reality.

I'm a Canadian so I have a different outlook on this situation simply because I do not reside in the US. Your troops are stuck in a quagmire of a war with no end in sight - and that makes me feel sad for the troops. Men and women who are just doing their jobs and find themselves in the middle of a cluster F*** because of inept politicians.

There are people out there that fully believe and stand behind the logic and rationale applied by George Bush when it came to starting the wars - I speak of both Iraq and Afghanistan. There are others out there the "conspiracy theorists" that state that 9/11 was just one move in an intricate game of chess executed by the global elite.

Where is the truth? No one knows for sure. The one thing I would like to state is that when an emotional and traumatic event such as 9/11 happens it is doubly important that we don't let our thoughts and emotions get effected by the adrenaline of the situation. We need to let logical rationale thinking, and the asking of questions be our moral compass through the difficult times. It is when we dismiss outright the opinions and points of view contrary to ours that we show our ignorance.

Voting for this post simply shows that you too agree.

I'm on Humor Blogs.com

Politicians and a steel cage match

Well Canada will soon be thrown into the drudgery of another election. Our TV's will soon be plastered with politicians selling their special brand of snake oil. The press will be digging into all the dirty corners of the candidates closets. Exposing episodes of seedy bathroom encounters and frilly lingerie. Prime time television runs the risk of being interrupted for special bulletins on a nightly basis of candidates snipping ribbons at the tractor factory.

There has to be a better alternative to this nation wide state of confusion that will soon strike our nation.



I'd like to see politicians tap into the current Mixed Martial Arts craze and have elimination tournaments to find the next member of Parliament. Throw two candidates into a steel cage and have them battle it out for supremacy. It would be a round robin format - if you win your match you would move onto the next round. This would continue for each specific area until only one candidate remained.

The best part of the whole program is that we the voting public, get to see politicians beat the tar out of each other every night until election day. Now that makes for some good TV.

It probably would not take long for this steel cage format to be the standard for all levels of government. People may pay attention to their local municipal politicians if they knew there is the potential of a steel cage match every few years.

To use this format in the current US situation I'm not sure how I would predict the cage match between McCain and Obama. Obama is younger and likely has better stamina and quicker reflexes, but McCain is a wily veteran and is sure to have learned a few tricks during his stint as a POW so I'd put nothing past him.

You know Vegas would love the format - can you imagine the wagering. Finally people would have a reason to pay attention to the election. More focus would be on candidates conditioning and diet, as opposed to foreign policy and taxation programs.


Do you have a better option? If so let me know.

I'm on Humor Blogs and they approved this message.

Increase traffic to your blog - Guaranteed Sucess

So if you are like me and try to maintain a blog in the deep dank expanse of the internet, the idea of how to increase your traffic has most likely crossed your mind. Of course you have tried the usual suspects - signing up on humor bloggers.com, writing about breasts, cleavage, gratuitous sex and violence. All of these tried and true solutions and your stats barely register any increase.

How then can you guarantee an increase in readership? It's simple dear reader - Write blog entries about Islam. If there is one group of religious extremists with less of a sense of humor I have not found them yet. Hell even the Amish have been known to let out the odd chortle and guffaw in the midst of a barn raising - but nary a giggle crosses the lips of the Islamic extremists.

Now you have to be careful in regards to the amount of traffic, hate mail and death threats you want to generate. The extremists put out a death sentence on Salman Rushdie for writing a book that was not favorable to Islam - so try to temper down the anti Islamic rhetoric so you just receive a spanking or an old fashioned "talking to" from the extremists.

A few calls to CNN to tell the world of your plight, and presto chango - your server will crash from the surge in traffic.

Vote for me at Humor Blogs Allah and myself do appreciate it.

Satan - where are you ????

Inspired by the recent posting on I'm Sure I don't know which deals with the images of Jesus that are appearing in public . Jesus as a Cheeto, Jesus as a grilled cheese etc. well it got me to thinking - were is Satan , Jesus' arch nemesis in all of this?

I'm quite sure that if Jesus is appearing in someone's lunch and that makes the local news - this is sure to piss off Satan and he wont take it lying down. Why then have no stories of the images of Satan that some Mexican grandmother found in her tortilla made the press? Are those stories being suppressed by the Vatican?

Does the fact that Satan has not been seen in a Cheeto, or potato chip or even as a stain on the wall , give credence to the appearance of Jesus in popular culture? Could we in fact be witnessing a miracle? The miracle of Jesus in the Melted Cheese.

I thought I saw Satan at Humor Blogs.com but it turned out to be the janitor.

It's Back to School Time...

Well it's the time of year when the kids get ready to go back to school and their parents descend en mass like locusts, to pilfer and pillage the shelves of the local Walmart leaving nothing but expired meat and a book of Koren crossword puzzles for the latecomers.

There probably was more in stock after Katrina hit, then after a round of back to school shoppers. What the hell is all the fuss about? School has been starting up in September for generations. Now at the expense of sounding like a grizzled veteran of the Korean war - in my day, back to school meant getting a binder, paper and pens that is it. It was not necessary to get a lap top, printer, blackberry or even a calculator. Yessum we did our 'rhithmetic in our heads. Least until high school then it just got confusing for me...

You can't tell me that kids today are that much smarter then we where. Take a look at your neighbors kids - do they seem to be mentally gifted? Are they constructing a fusion reactor in their backyard? They're not? Oh I see they're inside on the internet. Don't try to tell me that they are studying either - they are surfing porn. Somethings never change.

Kids they are the future -- AHHHH - with a diet of porn and reality TV through their formative years we're doomed when they get into a position of power.

Are you frightened now? I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they make me a little uneasy.

Questions about the hiring of child labor

So imagine if you would, that you are the hiring manager for the GAP or NIKE, some large conglomerate who's fortune was made on the backs of child labor - you have to hire 200 people as there is a new Michael Jordan sneaker going into production. What are the hiring requirements?

Do the 5 year olds have to have previous experience in a child labor factory? Would a former member of the Chinese Gymnastics team qualify? Do they even have daycare in a child labor camp? or is daycare simply seen as another production line?

So you have hired your 5 year olds for the production floor - assuming that they do not have any previous experience you would have to teach them the ropes on some "sub standard products" I think that is where the plethora of dollar stores get all their products - and we the cost conscience consumers can benefit from their nimble little fingers. And for the grizzled old veterans in the child labor camp - the ones who have seniority and get the plum assignments - what exactly are the plum assignments in a child labor factory? I'm guessing researching play value on the Fisher Price products would be a good gig.

The have 6 year old interns at Humor Blogs.com

Must be accompanied by an adult to this blog.

So I fell to peer pressure and decided to see what my blog was rated - PG, AA, NC 17 etc.
Go here to get your own blog rated but I digress...

A second after I clicked the button I was presented with my R rating . Apparently this rating is based on the fact I used the word Death 15 X's, Bomb 4 X's , Hell 2X's and Murder 1X in my blog. I had no idea.....

The very fact that I mentioned a diaper wearing Hitler, Osma Bin Laden and the Terrorist Olympics, Public Sodomy and Flesh Eating Disease amongst other "offensive" items never even made the radar on their rating system.

That my friends makes me LOL

Oh yeah Humor Blogs.com they make me LOL too...

Good News about Flesh Eating Disease

Flesh eating disease - the term itself sends a shudder down our collective spines as we imagine microscopic creepie crawlies snacking on our innards until we finally expire in a dried out husk of our former selves. I think there is the potential for big money in flesh eating disease - think Hollywood starlets that are obsessed about their weight.

With some federal grant money into the cosmetic application of flesh eating disease or necrotizing fasciitis - for those of you who care about those things - we have the new celebrity weight loss program. There will have to be an intense marketing campaign done to educate people into the positive aspects of Necrotizing Fasciitis - but if people now are lining up for botox injections there is hope for flesh eating disease as a weight loss application.

Hell, Botox paralyzes your face - and you look like Joan Rivers but - here's the spin folks - it reduces wrinkles and makes you look years younger. What busy mom on the go would not want that? Now that same marketing approach and a few high profile celebrities behind the flesh eating disease craze, and it won't be long before people are lining up to have some microscopic creepy crawlies eat away at their innards just so they can fit into their bikini. I just want to lose a few pounds that's all

What would make a good catch phrase for the new weight loss craze soon to sweep the nation?

Flesh Eating Disease - gets you "World Vision" thin in one simple application.

Are you envious of the Ethiopians who can fit into their bikinis? - well be envious no more - Necrotizing Fasciitis - drop the pounds and get on the beach!

Make the Olsen twins look fat - with Necrotizing Fasciitis now in new cheeseburger flavor.

What would you suggest for a catchphrase - I'm on humor blogs .com and they are could stand to lose a few pounds.....

Mary Kate is that you???

Terrorist Olympics

With the global media collectively wetting themselves over the Olympics in Beijing, our poor friends the terrorists are having a hard time getting any press in the papers at all, especially with Michael Phelps and his current exploits.

I suppose one way for terrorists to get back in the news, and do something to restore their tarnished public image, is to host an athletic competition of their own. All the big organizations could submit a team , al Qa'ida, Hizbolah, A Random Group of Iraqi Jihadists, Amway salespeople etc. They could get together in the spirit of competition and togetherness.

I'm wondering what the events would be like at the Terrorist Olympics?

The Molotov Cocktail Throw is a big fan favorite - just be sure not to sit in the first few rows of seats.

Bomb Making - self explanatory - extra marks given for the effective utilization of livestock in the construction

Bomb Smuggling through an obstacle course of underpaid security interns and a radioactive x ray machine

Public Execution - fastest team to successfully kidnap a bystander, saw their head off and get a completed video on you tube. Extra marks are given for the most effective musical score and overall team synchronization.

Flying Events - no explanation needed

What other events do you think would be there? And who would be the official corporate sponsor of those games? I'm thinking it would be either a credit card company or a law firm. I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they are not currently a sponsor.

Hitler wearing adult diapers, directing traffic.....

I've often wondered what it would be like to watch your dreams the next morning on TiVo or a VCR. When we are dreaming everything seems normal, and there is no reason to be concerned about the image of Hitler wearing adult diapers, directing traffic while dressed as a police officer. But when we view this scene the next morning we may be a tad concerned about what lies deep in our subconscious.

It would be interesting to have the luxury to rewind and replay some of your dreams so you can truly revel in them - of course re watching those sex dreams may be best left to a time when your spouse or significant other is out of town. No need to let everyone know about the repressed sexual urges you have towards Mrs Johnson, little Billy's geography teacher.

The future is near where you will be able to slap some electrodes on your head before you fall asleep and have all your dreams recorded. The only real problem I see is if the dreams get used against you in a court of law. Would a jury of my peers - sexually deprived geography teacher enthusiasts - find me guilty of my actions? Or would they see the dreams for the bunch of random goobledee gook that parades through my head every night to the soundtrack of my choosing?

Would you re-watch your dreams? and would you let your spouse watch them with you ?

Would you also go to Humor Blogs.comand vote for me? Thanks

The Ultimate in Home Security

I have the solution to the rash of break ins and home invasion robberies that seems to plague our society these days. The best part about it is it is absolutely FREE! That is right, you don't have to pay a thin dime to get it and if you order in the next ten minutes we'll double your order - Oops got carried away there for a moment and was channeling the Home Shopping Network.

You are probably intrigued as to the origin into this fantastic break through in home security. Well let me provide this graphic as a means of cutting through the confusion.



That is right ladies and gentlemen - the greatest security feature out there is a woman with PMS. Now ladies I know you realize that you can be "less then pleasant" during these times, but this is your opportunity to let your family sleep soundly knowing that they are protected by your uncontrollable bouts of violence and hysteria. What Glock toting , underwear showing , pants hanging down to their knees bad ass is going to target this house? That is right none!

I also believe that in the event you do have to use your bouts of uncontrollable violence and hysteria for the good of your family - no judge or jury would convict you - they most likely will give medals to your family and an ankle bracelet for you.

Of course this leads me into thinking about the benefits of having women in the military. I'm quite certain that a small handful of women - laden down with chocolate and AK - 47's could have taken Iraq in a matter of days and crushed any sign of resistance.

Ladies use your powers for good - not evil and provide the round the clock security that your family deserves.

I'm on Humor Blogs.com They have chocolate there....

(graphic courtesy of Dave's Place)

US Military Intelligence ?????

The guy who is in charge of intelligence gathering for the US Government has a pretty secure job. I mean hey it does not matter if you screw up - take a look at the latest Iran debacle.

For months/years we have been hearing how Iran will have the bomb and it is up to George Bush and everyone who loves America, to bomb the bejesus out of Iran before they attack us. This nuclear attack from Iran seemed immenient - we had to strike first. Hold the phone Martha- Seems that the information that was used to determine if Iran was a threat or not, may not have been accurate.

May Not Have been Accurate????! Would someone not think that if you have the possibility of leading your country into another war that you would have researched all possible angles? Guess not. So if you're keeping score at home we have - 1 currently active war based on bad information ( i.e hidden weapon caches of all sorts of nasty things ) 1 currently active war based primarily on finding Osma Bin Laden ( wanted dead or alive - to quote George W) and one very possible war based on excessive saber rattling and bad info with Iran

Talk about job security -
Conversation between head of US Intelligence and the President probably goes something like this...

Sorry George it seems Saddam did not have any WMD, and it looks like Iran is clean too, we can't find Osma - we've looked everywhere - currently we are scanning the employment roster of 7-11 for possible suspects

No worries - keep up the good work - we'll find/fabricate something - there's big money in war don't you know


Does anyone else find this concerning? If these decisions where coming from a third world country , whose army consists of shepherds with pointy sticks , that would be one thing. But this is coming from the lone superpower in the world. Now are you concerned????

Have to go buy a shovel so I can start digging my bomb shelter in the backyard. I'm on Humor Blogs.com Vote for me for world peace.

Yeah Kids It's Death Penalty Day

Where I live in Canada we have a bogged down and truly inefficient justice system, a fact that I am sure is reflected in other regions on the globe. The main reason why nothing every gets done is that the court system is bogged down with people fighting their seatbelt fines , or pleading insanity to that jaywalking charge. All these frivolous cases tie up the court resources and grinds the wheels of justice to a halt. I think I have a solution to our problem - Death Penalty Day. Allow me to explain;

Death Penalty Day would be a day where regardless of what case you are currently arguing about in court, be it the aforementioned jaywalking charge or 1st degree murder - (beaten to death with blunt instrument anyone?) the automatic sentence would be death. No trial , no witnesses, just read the case for the record, and ship the accused to the gallows. Do not pass go, do not collect cable tv and 3 square meals a day....

It would not take too many of these days for people to re consider fighting that speeding ticket and just paying the fine. Is $50 that important to you when you know you could possibly die by fighting it in court? Of course with the big backlog in cases right now we may need to have multiple "Death Penalty Days" to clear the log jam. Of course the actual date of the Death Penalty Day would be a closely guarded secret, if it wasn't a secret what would be the point?

For the bleeding hearts out there that think Death Penalty Day is too harsh - I offer an alternative - Public Sodomy Day.

The same principles apply in regards to it being a random day and it's sole purpose is to unclog the court system, the main difference is that instead of being put to death, you would be marched to the town square and publicly sodomized by a martial arts expert. The atmosphere would be like a medieval carnival - people would be selling their crafts , baked goods and pirated dvds. Families and children gaily stroll the grounds absorbing all the sights smells and sounds of another successful Public Sodomy Day

Which would be a bigger deterrent to you? My only concern with Public Sodomy Day is that it may breed a repeat criminal who in fact hopes that his/her case falls on Public Sodomy Day

I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they are in no way affiliated with the views expressed here ....

Exercise Routines of the criminally insane

Every once in a while you will the read the story about a mother and her brood of children that where beaten to death by her husband. This story usually unfolds in a trailer park - maybe one in your neighborhood. Now this whole beating people to death thing, got me to thinking - what kind of exercise regimen did the killer under take? How long do you have to train for such a feat?

I can't talk from experience but I'm thinking beating a family to death would take a person who was in pretty good shape - good cardio - can't gas out in the middle of a bludgeoning now can you? So it's not likely that someone who consumes a pack and a half a day of unfiltered Camel's is our killer. Thanks Watson! Hell I get out of breath changing the channels - what kind of shape do you have to be in to go on a killing spree? And think for a moment if the killer's secrets where revealed in a tell all book available at Amazon.com What do you suppose a serial killer's book on exercise tips would be called?

I'm not criminally insane but I am on Humor-Blogs.com - Go there and vote for me I'll be eternally grateful

BLA

The Olympics are coming - does anyone care?

The historic Olympic games are about to start and I think even Osma Bin Laden deep in his Pakistani cave has been caught up in the big Olympic hype machine - the question I have is why do we care anymore?

The Olympics used to be a great event of truly amazing athletes accomplishing great feats - now it is simply athletic people pumping themselves full of HGH, Steriods and masking agents that they have more in common with a pharmacy then anything relating to the honor of true sportsmanship and the Olympic games. It has gotten so bad that Chine had to institute sex testing of it's athletes to see whether they should be in the female or male events. You would have thought that the presence of a penis would indicate a man, and a vagina would indicate a woman - seems that is not the case anymore. They are so hopped up on hormones their own bodies don't know what they are.

Why don't we just market the games as a bunch of drugged up people running and jumping fast- put it all out in open . I mean is there anyone out there that thinks that there are any clean athletes in the Olympics anymore? I think that if you think there are clean athletes you probably voted for George W thinking that he was good choice for world peace.

I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they do random drug testing. On Wednesday we're testing opiates...

Christopher Columbus Sailing the Internet

There certainly are some interesting items out there on that thing called the Internet. There are times when I feel like an explorer venturing into unknown territory just by clicking on that link to Monkey Spunk.com What will I find when I get there? Will it be a site dedicated to the nasty sexual habits of our primate brothers and sisters? Will it feature bizzare ethnic recipes? or could it be a website dealing with the lifestyles of the rich and famous???

It truly boggles the mind. I find that I cannot fight the urge, and in spite of my better judgment and general sense of decency I click the link and get transported to Monkeyspunk.com . I as a matter of purpose will not tell you what I saw there - click the link yourself - explore new frontiers.

It seems it is moments like these where we are explorers and feel what Christopher Columbus felt when he set eyes on his new world. Seems like every nook and crany of our planet earth has been discovered, exploited and available for viewing on Google earth, and it is only through surfing the web we are able to find something new.

For those of you who went to Monkeyspunk.com are you as confused as I am now? What the hell was that all about??? What did I see? Where am I ? Who are you? Will that hurt??

I'm on Humor Blogs.com if you have a moment click the link and rate my blog - I do appreciate it.

BLA

Beaten to death with a blunt instrument

Beaten to death with a blunt instrument. That is how the papers say he met his untimely demise. Thankfully that is a phrase that we likely have not heard uttered, but what do you reckon was the instrument of death?

If I was to beat someone to death with a blunt instrument I'd probably use a French horn or Tuba. Figure it's light enough but I'm wondering if it could stand up to the pounding on some unfortunate person's cranium? I think the worst blunt instrument to use on a killing spree would likely be an accordion. Could you imagine the racket? It would sound like Walter Ostanek falling down a flight of stairs. Imagine the 911 operator who took the call...

"911 what is your emergency?"

"It sounds like my neighbor is being beaten to death with an accordion"

"Sir what you are hearing is called Polka - a genre of dance music popular throughout Europe. It is supposed to sound like that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Sir - I am a trained professional - to be fair Polka music is an acquired taste similar to Brussel Sprouts."

"Oh ok . Thank you"

CLICK

Aha the perfect crime........

I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they are part of the witness protection plan.

Jesus is Coming What Will You Wear?

As the saying goes "Dress to Impress" so if your choice of blouse or pants can sway the decision of the good Lord offering you a ticket to heaven, or a non stop express flight to Lucifer and his cronies what would you wear?

Talk about pressure... Would you risk showing up at final judgment wearing a baggy sweat suit - assuming that Jesus is more concerned about what is in your heart, as opposed to what brand of designer jeans you're wearing? Or would you splurge and cover yourself with bling and holy relics that you purchased off eBay in an attempt to gain favor with the Lord? I'm sure he'd be most impressed with that cheese sandwich that has his mother's image on it.

I think it is safe to say that God likes hats - big hats. Look at the Pope , Cardinals, Bishops etc they all have flashy "show hats" in their wardrobe. They probably have some insider information that we could benefit from. If God likes hats I think heaven will be full of Texans with their big "swallow your whole head" cowboy hat. Hmmm a heaven full of hat wearing Texans...maybe I'll call in sick on judgment day....

Other examples of brilliance(?) such as this cartoon can be seen at one of my websites http://www.geocities.com/davidp_crane
It has not been updated in forever but there are a few gems up there - take a minute to look at the single panel cartoons while you contemplate your wardrobe for the second coming.

BLA!

Celebrity Children - what is the fuss all about?

Is anyone else as tired as I am hearing about Brad and Angelina's newborn twins? They had babies - ok they had twins - but with the plethora of fertility drugs and in vitro fertilization out there, it seems that everyone is having twins now, even 70 year old Indian grandmothers (http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2008/07/04/grandmother.html).

And why did they not adopt more "Asian" children? Was there not a sale being offered at the orphanage? Or did they already had a complete set? Yeah I know - my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek - but why all the hub bub about celebrity kids? Their kids are the same as our kids albeit on a path of entitlement and platinum visa cards.

This type of global fawning at the feet of celebrities does nothing more then feed their egos and the idea that they are somehow, someway , a better person then us. Total bunk! Nothing would make me happier then if we could boycott all celebrity news shows, tabloids etc. Imagine if there was a red carpet movie premiere and no one showed up to cover it? Maybe then celebrities will realize that they really are not bringing anything of substance to the collective table. They ain't no Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela.

But alas there seems to be a high population of sheep and lemmings amongst my fellow man so I fear I must lead the boycott against this tripe alone. Who is with me??


Bla!

I'm on Humor Blogs.com check them out.