Power tools are not my friends.

After this past weekend I vow never to touch a table saw or do any DIY household improvements again. The prognosis from the doctor was positive and he thinks that I should be able to live a perfectly normal life with a new Orangutan arm.

Yeah, you read that right , an orangutan arm. Orangutan's are renown for their climbing ability so when the stitches come out I'm looking forward to showing off at the rock climbing wall down the street. Finding a shirt that fits is difficult now as one arm is a good 6 inches longer than the other one but we all have to make sacrifices.

How did I come to need an Orangutan arm stitched on to me? Good question. I'll clear up the confusion.

Last weekend when I was nearing the bottom of my "Honey Do" list,the last slip of paper I pulled out had one simple request on it. "Replace broken boards in the fence" Finally something I could handle. My DIY skills where limited to vacuuming and taking the garbage out - but replace fence boards - pshaw how hard could it be?

Going down to the basement I pulled out a few boards that would suit my purposes. It was simply a matter of measuring , twice and cutting once, and running the boards through the table saw and I could expect to be done shortly after.

I started up the saw and it burst into action with an uncharacteristic high pitched whine. Hmm that's odd I thought, no matter, I only had to make few cuts, then I could shut the saw off, and have it sit in a state of inaction for another 6 months before I needed it again.


It was only when the first few cuts where made, that I realized that something was wrong. As soon as the saw teeth bit into the board, the saw blade wobbled dangerously. I assumed, wrongly, that it was merely my eyes playing tricks on me, so I soldiered on cutting the board. Let me insert here a simple note about ensuring all table saws be thoroughly checked prior to starting for any defects or loose bolts. The saw blade continued to bite into the board, no problems, but suddenly the blade hit a knot in the wood. There was a loud KLANG! and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room with my new primate arm.

I talked to the paramedic who found my arm, he stated that he had had several cases of people injuring themselves on the exact same ACME Table Saw model that I used. Who knew that ACME did not have quality products? The model I had was apparently ACME's first venture into the industrial paper shredder market, and was not suited to handle anything tougher then 15 sheets of paper.

The Orangutan arm was a lucky coincidence if you listen to the paramedic tell the tale. Apparently shortly after I arrived at the hospital there was a large accident involving several trucks from the traveling Circus. The Orangutan truck got the worst of the accident and in the confusion an organ donor card was wrongly associated with "Gyppo" the Orangutan. Once my surgeon had put the call out for a donor arm, the carnage at the circus accident was being cleaned up, and they where able to find a suitable donor arm for me.

I've been warned to expect a few side effects with my new arm,increased climbing ability was one, as well as the need to throw my feces at bystanders. They gave me pills to hopefully control the bouts of poo flinging so I'm expecting to be back at work on Monday.