Earth Hour, Applesauce and a Stomach Pump

On all the front pages of any news site today you will see people celebrating another successful Earth Day. A moment when the planet joins together to show support for a common purpose - planet Earth.

Yes I know it is a terribly noble gesture but there where a few mishaps during Earth Hour that managed to sneak into the daily news.

Several over enthusiastic Earth Hour participants in Texas went so far as to turn off their oxygen machines in an attempt to lower their carbon footprint. Doctors expect one to make a full recover while the others unfortunately succumbed to their idiocy.

Speaking of idiocy; I went to the fridge to get a snack during earth hour as I was feeling a little peckish. When I opened the fridge there was no reassuring glow of the light bulb so finding that perfect snack was made a little more difficult. Not letting the darkness in the fridge, and my lack of a fully developed echo location system deter me, I reached in and grabbed a package of what I hoped was applesauce. After some cursing and several stubbed toes I was able to find a spoon like device that would enable me to enjoy my snack.

When Earth Hour was over and the lights came on again, I glanced down to my nearly empty container and to my horror saw that I had not been eating applesauce at all. The container had been full that was true, but during that one hour of saving the planet and I had eaten several cups of bacon grease.

I will likely spend my afternoon at the local Hospital getting my stomach pumped - but that is ok I've also found the Hospital a great place to get some green jello.

MMM Jello.....

Barack Obama and tasty crayons

So I’m sure by now you have heard about President Obama’s gaffe on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. If you have not heard about it let me get you up to speed.

Barack Obama was asked by Jay Leno about his bowling prowess – and the President replied with a flippant remark that he has Special Olympian quality bowling skills. Inferring that he has not very good skills, for an able bodied black man. Well the collective masses that reside under mushrooms took offense at the President’s remark and are demanding an apology.

Well it seems that the White House has come up with an unique solution in response to the hue and cry raised by the thin skinned, glass house residing advocates for the disabled. “A Presidential Bowl Off”. The President of the free world Barack Obama will have a best of three bowling match with a team of Special Olympians.

The stakes for this match are high. If the President wins the match he will get a motorized wheelchair customized by Jesse James of Monster Garage fame, and if the Special Olympic Team wins they will get to be President for a day.

It is thought that if the Special Olympic team wins they will immediately pass several laws that will make their quality of life much higher. Representatives for the Department for the Advancement of Feeble Thinkers (DAFT) have suggested that some of the laws could be as follows:

All bags of pretzels will come now with a warning label about the potential choking hazard and their sale will be restricted to people over the age of 21

Art supply manufacturers will now be mandated to make better tasting crayons.


Political analysts initially had some concerns at the idea of a developmentally delayed individual being President, but they where quick to remind us that this would not be the first developmentally delayed person to hold office.

In an unrelated story, former President George Bush has started a tour in support of his new book “Pretzels – The Killer Snack Food”

Forbes Magazine and the Cocaine Connection

If you where looking at the 2009 Forbes list of richest people, you would see that your parents where wrong when they told you crime doesn't pay. Right up there elbowing for top spot with Bill Gates and Warren Buffet is wanted Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Loera . Take a look at the bottom line for this Mexican drug cartel and it looks like they are more profitable than several African countries and definitely richer then Uncle Sam.

This got me to thinking..

Why don’t Ford, Chrysler and GM approach the drug cartel for a loan instead of Uncle Sam? The cartel’s money is likely better and more socially accepted than the US greenback at the moment.

If the big three where to get a loan from the Mexican cartel there are sure going to be conditions attached.

First of all it is likely that the interest on the loan would be higher and any missed or late payments would mean a visit from the Cartel's "Persuasion" department - large oafs with no necks and extremely violent tendencies.

Every car that the big 3 would manufacturer, would have special hidden compartments that would be used to ferry drugs across international borders. As a result of these hidden compartments, drug sniffing dogs would be trained to identify any Ford, Chrysler or GM vehicle in a line up.

Vehicles equipped with Onstar now could use that service to page their local drug dealer. Dealers would then deliver the order of contraband in 30 minutes or it's free.

Drug dealers and street level pushers would be able to offer great deals for new customers. Buy 1/4 lb of cocaine and get a free mini van. With everyone soon driving a mini van it would be hard to tell if your neighbor was a soccer mom or they had acquired an appetite for the "Devil's dander"

Random mini van searches by Police would find few drug users but lots of cup holders and leg room.



The obscene amounts of money the cartel is making makes me wish that I had paid attention in high school chemistry class. Maybe if I had I would be running a meta amphetamine cartel now, and worrying about how I could possibly spend all my money. But instead I find myself writing humor blogs and looking in public fountains for loose change.

Oh what could have been - sigh

A Fairy tale with a modern twist.

Hansel and Gretel was one of the Brothers Grimm fairy tales that I am sure most of us grew up reading. A story of two children who where abandoned by their parents, and ventured deep into the forest only to fall into the clutches of an evil witch who had visions of cooking them up in the oven - the story taking place prior to the invention of the "Set it and Forget it" rotisserie grill.

The children where intrigued by the house that the witch lived in - a quaint little gingerbread affair with gumdrops on the roof and icing for the windows. OK stop right there! What child today is going to be enticed by a house made out of pastry? Other then that portly kid at the end of the block - kids today are smarter, more educated in the ways of the world and not apt to give a gingerbread house a second look. Does this mean that the age of the Fairy Tale is over? Perhaps not. Fairy Tales may just need to get updated to relate to today's youth.

So we can all agree that a Gingerbread house is not likely to cause the children of today to stray off the path of the righteous - but what type of housing would?

I'm thinking at the very least the witch's house should have a wi-fi hotspot, a fridge full of Red Bull, streaming Internet, and a Facebook or Twitter presence. The outside walls of the witch's house are likely to be covered in graffiti from the rival gangs that roam the dark forest.

Come to think of it the house is likely not to be located in a forest at all as most kids never venture far from their couch every day.

It's when we try to modernize Hansel and Gretel that the story starts to fall apart.The parents wanted to abandon the kids in the forest in the original story - now parents are forced to sell their children on E-Bay or hope that Brad and Angelina have room for one more.



In our updated version of the story, it is likely that the witch will die in a hail of gunfire as little Hansel will be packing a glock, and will not put up with any of her shenanigans. Gretel on the other hand will take all the witch's prescription drugs and be selling them to school children to help feed her own habit.

Happily ever after indeed....

A primer for Newbie Nudists

Imagine that you wake up tomorrow to find out that society as you and I know it has changed. The society that we knew, has decided to pass a law banning anyone wearing clothes – that’s right we now are living in a nudist society…

The above scenario got me thinking about the pros and cons of living in a nudist society. I have tried to outline a few items below in the event the “no pants” law every does get passed in your community. This list will give you a step up on the former clothes wearing society that we are currently familiar with.

Not needing to wear clothes anymore may sound liberating but it would have a terrible effect on the already weakened retail sector. We currently place such a large part of who and what we are as people on the clothes we wear. Not having that option anymore will see a path of destruction that cuts through the malls of America and reaches all the way down to the sweatshops of deepest darkest Peru.

Large Corporations such as The Gap and Nike who rely on the dexterous fingers of 8 year olds to produce their goods, will see their empires crumble. The whole child labor industry will be reduced to churning out Happy Meal toys. One small step for man….

If we are to all live in a nudist society I think it very likely that our overall health will improve. Allow me to explain.

Wearing clothes gives us an advantage to hide any unslightly bulges and bumps, but in the new nudist society all of us would be exposed for the discriminating public to gawk.

Can you think of a better motivating factor to put down the Big Mac and to finally pick up some healthy eating and exercise habits, then nosy neighbors peeking at all your “naughty bits”? I didn’t think so.

With so much of humanity now being paraded naked in front of us each day – it will have an impact on the plethora of “B” “C” and “D” list celebrities that rely on impromptu displays of public nudity to get some coverage in the press. Does this mean that we can put the whole “wardrobe malfunction” thing behind us now? And will Paris and Lilo now fade away into obscurity? Please God….

Cities will be rezoned based on how beautiful the people are who live there. Now living on the “wrong side of the tracks” means that you are horribly disfigured rather then destitute or a criminal.

I admit that it will be hard to adjust to a nudist society – I for one am not looking forward to sitting on a vinyl car seat cover in the hot, dog days of summer. You thought the commute was bad before – you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Still wearing pants - Dave

My name is Dave and I am addicted to the Internet

Phew am I glad to be back here…..It has been a longer than planned absence from the “interweb”. I have not done anything noble or noteworthy since I was last here. I have not eradicated smallpox, or solved the Middle East debacle. My lengthy absence from the seedy world of humor blogging can be explained with the simple fact that I have moved.

Moving -the act of packing all your worldly possessions into boxes and asking yourself - “how the hell did I get so much junk?”

Of course part of moving that we all know and love is getting “reconnected” by the hydro, phone, TV and Internet companies. Getting reconnected by these companies does not entail a long drawn out process involving a team of interns and a tub of industrial strength lubricant, nope it simply takes the press of a button to transform you back into a paying customer.

It seems that my Internet provider was unclear on which button was needed to make the transformation and to get me online. I moved the middle of February and yet it is the first week of March before I even received the modem that I needed to get me back online with.

During my time away from the Internet I had a monkey on my back the likes of which was seen only by hard core heroin junkies - I needed a fix of the Internet. I could say that I needed to check my investments online, and how my financial future was dependant on a reliable Internet connection – but that would be a lie.

I needed my daily dose of nonsense that only the Internet and quality sites like Facebook and You Tube where able to provide. Not being online meant I had to rely on reading newspapers – gasp and seedy tabloids to get my fix of nonsense.

Now I can finally put down the newspapers and seedy tabloids, open up my browser and start getting that damn monkey off my back. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some surfing to do…..