A hooker, A bag of chips and $5

I was sitting parked in my car in a seedier part of town, the sun was going down and societies undesirables were emerging from their crack dens to prowl the streets. Say what you like about society's undesirables but they certainly have an entrepreneurial streak.  Sitting in my car I was offered some crack,meth, molly and a "date" with a toothless lady (?) called Sharon.

I politely declined any and all offers -
"No thank you sir I will not partake of your fine crack cocaine "
"Sorry Sharon I will respectfully decline your offer of a good time"

When I had a moment I sent a text to my wife telling her where I was. To my surprise she replied in a positive manner.

"There you are surrounded by $50 hookers and you with only $5 in your wallet" my wife said

I opened my wallet and my heart dropped when I saw the lone $5 bill in my wallet. She was right.

"This should be fun" my wife continued on " See what fun you can have for $5"

I could hear her laughing as I hung up the phone.

Here was my opportunity  to have a wild and crazy encounter. An encounter that has been endorsed by my wife. An encounter  that I could relive for years through conversation at the work place water cooler.

I talked to the local crack dealer,  and even though crack is a drug for the budget conscience junkie - he would not sell me his wares.

Sharon, even being toothless and having a blackeye "still had standards"

This was not looking good - would I have to tell my wife that she was right and I could not have fun in this den of decadence with $5???

Suddenly inspiration struck me.  I had my eureka moment. I knew how I could have fun for only $5

I slouched down in the front seat and  masturbated - then I went into the corner store and got a bag of chips and a Pepsi.

I can't wait to tell her that I won our bet.....

Forbes Magazine and the Cocaine Connection

If you where looking at the 2009 Forbes list of richest people, you would see that your parents where wrong when they told you crime doesn't pay. Right up there elbowing for top spot with Bill Gates and Warren Buffet is wanted Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman Loera . Take a look at the bottom line for this Mexican drug cartel and it looks like they are more profitable than several African countries and definitely richer then Uncle Sam.

This got me to thinking..

Why don’t Ford, Chrysler and GM approach the drug cartel for a loan instead of Uncle Sam? The cartel’s money is likely better and more socially accepted than the US greenback at the moment.

If the big three where to get a loan from the Mexican cartel there are sure going to be conditions attached.

First of all it is likely that the interest on the loan would be higher and any missed or late payments would mean a visit from the Cartel's "Persuasion" department - large oafs with no necks and extremely violent tendencies.

Every car that the big 3 would manufacturer, would have special hidden compartments that would be used to ferry drugs across international borders. As a result of these hidden compartments, drug sniffing dogs would be trained to identify any Ford, Chrysler or GM vehicle in a line up.

Vehicles equipped with Onstar now could use that service to page their local drug dealer. Dealers would then deliver the order of contraband in 30 minutes or it's free.

Drug dealers and street level pushers would be able to offer great deals for new customers. Buy 1/4 lb of cocaine and get a free mini van. With everyone soon driving a mini van it would be hard to tell if your neighbor was a soccer mom or they had acquired an appetite for the "Devil's dander"

Random mini van searches by Police would find few drug users but lots of cup holders and leg room.



The obscene amounts of money the cartel is making makes me wish that I had paid attention in high school chemistry class. Maybe if I had I would be running a meta amphetamine cartel now, and worrying about how I could possibly spend all my money. But instead I find myself writing humor blogs and looking in public fountains for loose change.

Oh what could have been - sigh

Junkies in the Boardroom

Has this ever happened to you?

You go out with someone for lunch or a social event, and you seem to spend the whole time talking to yourself. Your companion is otherwise engaged, and is focusing all their attention on something else rather than you.

The "something " in question is a cell phone or PDA on which your companion feels the need to text incessantly. As their fingers fly over the tiny keypad you can't help but wonder why you agreed to come out with them at all - it seems with the addition of that telecommunication device your presence is not needed.

Is this what communication or social interaction has come to in our society? People think nothing of answering a cell phone and texting people back even when they are in the middle of a conversation. Social niceties and general good manners are nowhere to be found in the era of Bluetooth and the Blackberry.

You find yourself launching into a heart breaking story of how your daughters puppy was crushed beneath the wheels of the garbage truck this morning - but you know that your companion is not listening. Their eyes dart down to the small screen held in their hands. "Uh huh" - "oh yeah" they mutter as a trickle of drool escapes from the corner of their mouth- you've seen this look in the eyes before. Your momma had it when she was trying to kick heroin back in 1984.



Junkies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are seen on Dateline specials where they cook up an Emeril inspired concoction using just a lighter, tourniquet,and a handful of "rock". While other junkies can be seen in the boardrooms - sweaty palms, eyes bulging out in anticipation of an incoming text. Their fingers type in the air on a phantom Blackberry. They interrupt with "LOL" or "ROFL" at random times in the meeting. It's not a monkey on their back, but a Silverback Mountain Gorilla with an unlimited texting and mobile browsing package.