Seal Hunting Revised

The Seal Hunt - yes you read it right, that ritual when grown men get together with heavy pointy clubs and beat cute little baby seals to death. If you are a card carrying member of PETA, or a fan of Sir Paul McCartney, you are likely outraged at the senseless slaughter that happens each year. Well an organization has decided to do something about the seal hunt - read on....

The Association for Bludgeoning Baby Animals or ABBA has decided to implement some rules and regulations that it's card carrying members need to strictly adhere too if they wish to retain membership privileges.

The main talking points are outlined below along with explanations where applicable.

Mobility:

When a seal is out of the water it's overall mobility is severely restricted making it a much easier target for a "clubbin". To compensate for the seals lack of mobility it is now required that all ABBA members must drink several shots of corn liquor prior to starting to hunt. The amount of shots that are needed by each member will be determined by body weight and tenure in the club.

The minimum alcohol requirement for each ABBA member will be 10 ounces per year in the club. So if you have been in the club for two years, then you are required to drink 10 X 2 shots of corn liquor. Having the more experienced members drink larger quantities levels the playing field dramatically.



SEAL DECOYS:

Scattered randomly on the ice flows will be seal decoys that are filled with ball bearings and high explosives. Crushing in the head of one of these decoys will activate the high explosive charge, causing the decoy to spew it's ball bearing cargo over a wide area causing possible death and destruction to any hunter silly enough to fall for the ruse.

PETA MEMBERS: - Members of organizations such as PETA, and high profile celebrities like Sir.Paul will no longer be exempt from meeting the business end of a hunters club. Members of these organizations will now have a choice prior to be deposited in amongst the seals.

Their choices are as follows:

1. A megaphone and live internet feed that will broadcast their message to the world - but they have to wear leg shackles that will severely restrict their ability to out run an angry hunter

2. A list of addresses for card carrying members of ABBA, along with a genuine sealing club to use on the ABBA members. There is a catch though - Every time an ABBA member gets attacked by a radical - 10 seals will have cosmetics tested on them, and one baby seal will be adopted by Brad and Angelina.

I think these new rules level the playing field for both the seal and the hunter. It won't be long before seal hunting becomes the hottest Pay Per View craze eclipsing Boxing and MMA in regards to revenue generated.

Obama's Presidential Breakfast analyzed

Breaking news on CNN this morning:

According to reports that are just coming in newly elected President Barrack Obama is believed to have had a hearty breakfast of French Toast with a glass of Orange juice.

Analysts are thinking that the symbolism of the French Toast is Barrack's attempt to rekindle the relationship with the people of France that has been sorely neglected by the previous administration. No confirmation at this point in time on if the President used Maple Syrup on his French toast in an attempt to gain favor with Canada. We will update that item when more information comes available.

The Orange Juice is an obvious attempt to reach out to the Florida orange growers who have experienced some difficult times recently and will benefit from the positive image of the new President relaxing with a glass of OJ.


Historically the butter that was used at the Presidential table was made in the US of A, but we are unable to confirm or deny reports that the people's President Obama ,has switched to a more "heart healthy " option such as margarine. Reports have mentioned that the lobbyist for the margarine industry has been seen leaving the Oval office. This switch to margarine from the traditional butter, can be another example of the "changing of the guard" in both political stripes as well as breakfast condiments.

To quote the American icon Bob Dylan - "The times they are a changing"

We now return to regular scheduled programing.

Huzzah for humor bloggers

Well it seems that my blog has not been operating in a vacuum since it's inception last year. Today the nice people over at Beyond Left Field featured my blog on their Pulitzer Prize worthy feature "The Sunday Suck Up Times".

It's nice to know the stuff the seeps out of my Grey matter and lands on these blog pages has an audience. Humor bloggers are a rare breed, similar to Bigfoot or a pigmy albino meerkat but the best of the best and the creme de la creme can be found at Humor Bloggers.com



You owe it to yourself to go over there and peer in at the humor bloggers in their natural habitat. They really are very similar to Gorillas but with less poo throwing.

You still here? What are you waiting for? Get over there now!

Superheros - not just for Heterosexuals anymore

So I just read a recent article that talks about how Stan Lee, the creator of Spider Man will soon reveal the first gay superhero

You and I knew it was only a matter of time before the first spandex wearing crime fighter crawled out of the closet.I don't follow comics or cartoon Superheros so I lack any insider knowledge about this upcoming gay crime fighter. The idea of an openly gay crime fighter is amusing to me. What will he be called? What will his superpowers be? And of course what will he wear?

I envision that the gay superhero will have "design" superpowers where he will come into the nefarious underlord's lair and redecorate it. Change the look - spice it up a bit with some new curtains,throw pillows and bauble covered accessories. No one can conduct a campaign for evil when their lair is decorated with throw pillows I mean come on now.

What will he be called? Not sure - maybe something like "Bedazzlore" or "The Designer" We'll have to wait and see what Stan Lee has come up with.

His outfit of course will be what sets him apart from his super hero friends. Our gay hero will have legendary skills with "The Bedazzler" Being able to create breathtaking designs from the shiny rhinestones. Of course it will be his awe inspiring skills with "The Bedazzler" that will lead to the inevitable showdown with "Sequin Boy" but it is not the time to reveal how that encounter will end. Suffice to say that our gay hero was able to use his mastery of "The Bedazzler" to carve out a lucrative business for himself in Nashville.

Junkies in the Boardroom

Has this ever happened to you?

You go out with someone for lunch or a social event, and you seem to spend the whole time talking to yourself. Your companion is otherwise engaged, and is focusing all their attention on something else rather than you.

The "something " in question is a cell phone or PDA on which your companion feels the need to text incessantly. As their fingers fly over the tiny keypad you can't help but wonder why you agreed to come out with them at all - it seems with the addition of that telecommunication device your presence is not needed.

Is this what communication or social interaction has come to in our society? People think nothing of answering a cell phone and texting people back even when they are in the middle of a conversation. Social niceties and general good manners are nowhere to be found in the era of Bluetooth and the Blackberry.

You find yourself launching into a heart breaking story of how your daughters puppy was crushed beneath the wheels of the garbage truck this morning - but you know that your companion is not listening. Their eyes dart down to the small screen held in their hands. "Uh huh" - "oh yeah" they mutter as a trickle of drool escapes from the corner of their mouth- you've seen this look in the eyes before. Your momma had it when she was trying to kick heroin back in 1984.



Junkies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are seen on Dateline specials where they cook up an Emeril inspired concoction using just a lighter, tourniquet,and a handful of "rock". While other junkies can be seen in the boardrooms - sweaty palms, eyes bulging out in anticipation of an incoming text. Their fingers type in the air on a phantom Blackberry. They interrupt with "LOL" or "ROFL" at random times in the meeting. It's not a monkey on their back, but a Silverback Mountain Gorilla with an unlimited texting and mobile browsing package.

Papal paper published promising people a plenty

There have been rumblings from the octogenarians in the Ivory towers at the Vatican, that attendance at mass has been dropping. They need to increase the numbers of people coming through the turnstile. Well I'm happy to report that one of the Vatican's own Swiss Guards was able to smuggle out a rough draft of ideas that the Pope himself scrawled on some papal stationary.

1. Bidding for the part of the "host" or "Body of Christ" will be made available to companies such as Oreo or Jelly Belly. (Using candy to lure children is a tactic that pedophiles have used for years and now we see the Church using the same approach. Do you suppose there are pedophiles in the Vatican? Heavens no!)

2. Product placement will be used at mass. The can of Coke on the altar or the package of Marlboro's that the Pope smokes will provide an air of familiarity to the church goers and hopefully help in removing the air of "stuffiness" that has plagued the Church for years.

3.Choir members will be female only, and their wardrobe will be designed by the team that brought you Coyote Ugly. Sex Sells.



4. The Pope will now be seen at all major celebrity affairs such as movie premieres or the Grammy Awards. Be seen by the people

5. Start a 1-900 prayer line. Reach out and heal the people for $1.99 a minute.

6. Get "caught" by paparazzi in a compromising position with an "A" list female celebrity . Bad publicity is good publicity.

7. Release a CD of the Pope singing the classics. Be sure to include a duet with Mother Theresa.

8. Provide the voice for an animated character in the upcoming Pixar film


Brace yourself people - His holiness will be exploding onto all the major media near you.

Senior Citizen Scooters the source of road rage

The other day while I was trying to navigate the snow covered streets where I live, I was forced to jam on the brakes so not to run over a senior citizen in a "mobility stroller" driving down the street.

I have been completely unaware that "mobility strollers" are licensed for the road. I was under the false impression that the strollers where solely to be used on the sidewalks. Used as an aide to help the senior do their daily chores.

At the moment in question the sidewalk was clear - in fact it was in better shape then the city street, but here was a Normandy veteran driving right down the busy road without a care in the world.

I think they know damn well what they are doing. They are invincible. I mean who in their right mind is going to mow down a person in a mobility stroller? The hue and cry from the general public when they read about it in the paper would be enough to force you out of town. No Police officer will ticket them either for exactly the same reason.

So the seniors flaunt their disdain for the traffic laws, and meander down to the dry cleaners at a sedate 3 MPH while we are forced to grit our teeth and fight the urge to accelerate.

Well I say if they want to drive on the roads they have to operate under the same rules as everyone else. They need to be able to keep up with the traffic, they can't use the car pool lane and must yield to the bus. Let's start with those and see how it works out.

I can't be the only one who has had these thoughts - ok maybe I am, but can anyone explain to me why seniors feel they can drive their scooters on the streets?