The Mullet that killed North America

Ladies and Gentlemen today’s post is about the “Mullet” That’s right the bastard red headed stepchild of high end hair salons everywhere.

The other day at work I heard a colleague use the phrase “… and he preened his mullet every day” The topic of conversation is not important, rather the use of the phrase “preened his mullet” I thought that if you had a mullet you did not “preen”. ”Preening” and “mullets” where words that did not go together, an oxymoron like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence. For the record I do not work at an auto wreckers or slaughterhouse where mullets may be the favored hair style(?), but rather in a professional environment populated by people slaving away in cubicles and paid with crusts of bread.




Mullets are the hair style favored by both possum hunters and NASCAR fans throughout North America. How did this hair style gain favor with this specific demographic? Will the mullet every gain favor with the fashionistas? These are but a few of the questions rattling around in my brain.

Maybe you favor the mullet because of your family bloodline – similar to how royalty works. You get born into "Mulletdom". If your pappy had a mullet, then gosh darn it so will you. This approach is favored in rural areas where families tend to breed together for several generations.

The urban or suburbanite mullet is rarely seen as people who reside in urban areas frequent high end salons and subscribe to manicures, pedicures and getting their teeth bleached in an effort to blend in. (High end salons as a matter of policy will refuse any customer if they request a mullet.) The Urban Mullet only makes an appearance during Halloween or “Joe Dirt” themed dinner parties at select estates in the Hamptons.




With the growth of urban areas and the subsequent decline in rural areas or “Hillbilly breeding territory” it’s possible that the members of the mullet wearing fraternity may be forced to shut down their trap lines and relocate to urban centers.

A large influx of mullets into our urban centers may be all that is needed to push this hairstyle into the realm of respectability. The mullet sporting residents of our cities will be preyed upon by advertisers eager for new customers. New products that appeal to the specific mullet demographic will be developed. Ads for products such as a cologne that smells like bug spray, or lingerie made from recycled Nascar tires will be plastered all over our television sets.

It is at that moment we can confidently say the decline of North American civilization has begun.

A "Socially acceptable Mullet" - now THAT is an oxymoron.