The Real "Nativity Story"

At the risk of putting myself on a Vatican City blacklist, I wanted to focus this post on "The Nativity Story". I'm sure you've heard about it, it's the one about a down on your luck carpenter who's wife gave birth to the son of God in a barn. I know eh? What kind of story line is that? Well new information has come to light and I'm happy to say that Out of the Mouth of Dave is the first website to publish it.

The latest information deals with the whole idea of the "virgin birth". To put it simply - Mary was pregnant but she claims she had never had sex.

I'm not sure how many men are okay with their wives "popping" out another man's baby. If you watch The Jerry Springer Show this type of thing happens all the time and the men involved are none to happy it seems.

Well new documents reveal that Joseph was no different. When he found out that Mary had another man's baby he hit the roof, and when he heard her explanation about it being God's baby - witnesses who where there say "Joseph's eyes bulged dangerously and spittle flew from his lips"

Joseph was adamant that the public would find out the truth about how God was impregnating other men's wives.

God being all knowing, found out about Joseph's plan and set up a meeting with the irate carpenter.

There where no witnesses to the actual meeting between God and the lowly carpenter, so we are forced to rely on the assumptions from learned scholars about what happened on that December 25th many years ago.

Several of the leading religious scholars agree that God offered Joseph "hush" money if he kept the story quiet. The payment was to be made in Gold, Frankincense and Myhre. Of course if Joseph took the money there would be a few conditions. There was the standard non disclosure agreement, and God could now reveal the birth of his son in any fashion he saw fit. That is how the story of Jesus being born in a manger and receiving gifts from adoring followers came to be.

Joseph dropped off the collective radar after the birth of Jesus - there are those who say he lived a lavish lifestyle complete with his own herd of camels, while other scholars state he spent the rest of his life drunk and resentful at his wife.

Jesus went on to achieve great success in the theater. From appearing as himself in his school's Christmas pageant, to the pinnacle of his career - being cast as the lead in the Mel Gibson blockbuster - " The Passion of the Christ"

Now you know the rest of the story....

A glance into the past....

Tis the season to buy back scratchers and curse the credit card companies. Damn you Jesus why did you have to be born on Christmas of all days??? It's busy enough at this time of year.

Between the time I spend delousing the homeless, and saving Malaysian orphans from Brad and Angelina, I have not been able to expunge the thoughts that are rattling around in my head. For that I apologize. Until I can bash out some witty insight let me roll out something from the archives.

A little something for the season from yours truly

If you're still in the mood for more festive merriment take a look at another oldie but a goodie - Christmas in Gitmo - ahhh I'm getting that tingly feeling again.

The Perfect Murder Weapon

I have figured out how to commit the perfect murder. Yeah you read that right, the perfect murder and there is no way those fancy CSI folks could catch you. I tell you if OJ had done this years ago he would be out there right now playing golf instead of um err...oh never mind.

I did not start out looking for ways to commit the perfect murder - the idea just came to me. Let me set the scene for you.

It was early evening and I was getting peckish, it was time to think about what I was going to have for dinner. Opening the fridge I saw the usual assortment of condiments, and left over lasagna that populate fridges in every neighborhood in North America. "Not tonight thank you" I said to the lasagna and shut the door quickly. I was tired of hearing it complain about how no one wanted it anymore.

Perhaps there was a delectable morsel in the freezer compartment of the fridge. Thinking positive thoughts, I opened up the freezer door, and that is when it happened. My eureka moment. That was when the seed for committing the perfect murder was planted.

As soon as I had opened the freezer door, a frozen pork roast decided to fall out and hit the floor with a solid THUMP! landing inches away from my feet.

My heart was pounding, adrenaline raced through my veins. I had come very close to being horribly injured in a frozen pork roast accident. I would be forced to live the remainder of my unhappy life doing Public Service Announcements about the dangers that hide in your freezer. Spot the Dangers - Thaw your meat!

I had looked death, or at least horrible disfigurement in the eyes, and it had blinked first. I thought I was invincible.

With my pulse still racing I reached down to grab the offending hunk of frozen pork. When I picked it up and felt it's weight in my hands, it was so cold and hard.

I made a few practice swings with the frozen pork roast. I envisioned how I would crush in the skull of the hapless delivery person. The frozen pork roast whistled through the air - yeah this could work. It was entirely possible to bludgeon something to death with a frozen hunk of meat, and then simply eat the murder weapon. There would be no trace bits of evidence left behind for those CSI bastards to find.



The body of my victim - hmm that may be more difficult to get rid of. Maybe I'll ship it over to North Korea so they can harvest it for organs or maybe it can be a guest judge on Dancing with the Stars. Hmmmm

Birth of the Frankenpenis

We certainly live in interesting times. Just the other day, Scientists where able to create a fully functional rabbit penis grown from penis cells harvested from one unhappy donor rabbit. Don't believe me you can read it here

My first thought after reading the article was "What the @#*&!??" We have the choice to throw money and resources at eradicating a disease, or we can play God and try to make a rabbit penis.

Seems like the learned men and women have once again made the right choice for society.

It's not like the rabbit species needs any encouragement to fornicate. We all know rabbit mothers have births that rival that of the Octomom.




I'm afraid to ask how the scientists checked to see if manufactured penis was fully functional. I read an article in the Scientific Armenian that an intern was made to dress in a Bunny suit and parade around a room full of male rabbits and their new "frankenpensises". When the rabbits caught sight of the intern, the scientists could clearly see the success of their experiment.


After the intern's interaction with the Frankenpenis -they where shown a video of the Easter Bunny. The intern was observed to get down on all fours and present their rear end to the video screen, seemingly trying to get the video image of the Easter Bunny to copulate with them. It looks like a session with the Frankenpenis has had a profound effect on all parties.

The article goes on to say that the intern is expected to make a full recovery.

One thing that is clear to me about this crazy scenario, and why the frankenpenis was so successful- is that the penis does not require any brain cells to operate. Scientists will continue to try to replicate a human brain cell but until they succeed you can expect more frankenpenises to be popping up near you......

Is that a Burrowing Owl in your bed?

Everywhere you look nowadays your eyes are assaulted by the advertising message of the current crop of environmental do gooders. Stop the seal hunt,Reduce Reuse Recycle,Save the Burrowing Owl - Save the Rainforest - Only you can save the planet! Bla Bla Bla -Baa Humbug I say to all of this.

Saving the planet sounds like an awful lot of work, and frankly I have other things to do at the moment. Do you really need my help? If you watch your local news there seems to be a veritable army of "Children of Yuppies" out there organizing bottle drives to save the rain-forest, or the Giant Panda.

If those little do gooders made more efficient use of their time and gave up little things like homework and chores, I'm positive that great progress could be made to save the planet. When the "Children of Yuppies" get organized you would not be forced rely on me - a cynical product of a consumer society - to save mankind.

I mean if I am to help save the world you would want me to give up my gas guzzling SUV and start driving a rickshaw. Um no thanks. My SUV is a symbol of my climb up the corporate ladder and my membership in the "Organization of Lemmings"

To be honest with you, my arteries are much too clogged with saturated fats for me to be able to walk up the stairs, let along operate a rickshaw. And another fact that the environmental crusaders neglect to tell you is that "Chicks" are not impressed with rickshaws.



I need to have all the trappings of excess if I am to have any success with females. Females are so impressed with shiny baubles - think De Beers Diamonds. I've spent too much time chasing that elusive cheese to have acquired any social graces, and I find that I am forced to compensate with an SUV, plasma TV, and butt lifts if I want to impress anyone.

So thank you very much, children of environmentally conscious parents - but I will neglect your offer to help save the planet. My SUV helps me get "lucky" and frankly us men are shallow like that. What good is a Burrowing Owl to you when you have fashion model in your bed?

Exactly - no further questions your honor.

Achieving Immortality through snack foods

"I pledge allegiance to our Twinkie overlord. May his creamy filling and flaky goodness continue to flourish. Amen"

That's what they will be saying soon about me - just you wait and see.

I am writing this latest post from within the comfy confines of my ACME brand hermetically sealed bubble. The media has stirred us up to a level of hysteria not seen since the infamous Princess Diana and Mother Theresa pictorial in Playboy.

Swine Flu is everywhere. The death of mankind is imminent! Civilization will be wiped out leaving nothing but cockroaches and Twinkies to dance on our corpses!

I ask you this - how the hell did Twinkies get everlasting life? Everlasting life is the mythical holy grail that is sought after by Celebrities and the obscenely rich.

You would think that whomever invented the Twinkie knew about the lifesaving properties of this delicious snack food. Could that scientist have injected some of that irresistible creamy filling into their veins in their quest to become a God? I shudder at the thought.

I'm sure right now there is a secret society where members of the global elite get together once a year to inject themselves with the "nectar of the Twinkie" to ensure immortality.

I lack the technology to successfully inject "Twinkie Nectar" into my veins. But I plan to gorge on them non stop in the hopes that my molecular structure will change to that of a Twinkie.

It's been three weeks since I started my feast on Twinkies and it's unclear whether I have been successful in achieving immortality. The irony is it would take a global catastrophe for me to recognize my success. In the meantime I will stay here in my hermetically sealed bubble, and eagerly watch as the news reports show the destruction of mankind. State by state, country by country.

It is only when the TV station finally goes off the air, that I will emerge from my cocoon and show the remaining cockroaches that I am their GOD!

Oh they will worship me or I will have them all whipped....

Government Agency gives hope to parents of bratty children

Parents wash daughters mouth out with soap and get arrested!

The media is full of stories like these. Stories of parents who use "tough love" techniques in an attempt to discipline their brood of foul mouthed malcontents. These stories never end well for the parents involved. They are usually dragged off to work in a chain gang as a result of an anonymous call to the authorities from a "concerned citizen".

Perhaps you are a parent of a foul mouthed malcontent, or maybe you work with one. Well you can now rest easy knowing that Big Brother has officially entered the child discipline business.

I'm not talking about a Dick Cheney approved Water Boarding kit for little Billy, but rather a 1- 800 number that has been set up for parents to call to get guidance on disciplining their own children.

If we believe the Government's literature on this program they state;

"Parents who are afraid to discipline their children for fear of being arrested can now speak to a certified child law expert. Our experts will let concerned parents know the appropriate level of discipline they can administer for each specific situation."

"Let the punishment fit the crime"
"This hurts me more then it hurts you"
"Spare the rod and spoil the child"

"These are not just phrases from days gone by, but they are an integral part of this departments approach and mandate when it comes to our nation's children"



They have a sample list of appropriate disciplinary responses for some of the more common scenarios. I have included a few below.

Situation: Child throws tantrum in large department store - out of sight of both concerned citizens and security cameras.

Response: Spank the child - place offending party over your knee and strike buttocks firmly until child repents.

Situation: Child throws tantrum in large department store in front of a camera crew from the local TV station.

Response: Hug the offending party - rub their back or head in a reassuring way - make sure the camera crew sees you being such a good parent. Under your breath tell the child that you will be opening up a good old fashioned can o' whoop ass when you get home.



Hmm this is interesting - in the fine print at the bottom of all the legal mumbo jumbo I saw this phrase...

"The techniques and methods applied here are property of the US Government and Guantanamo Bay Naval Base and can not be modified or altered without the written consent of Richard Cheney"

Big Brother - always looking out for our best interests.

Scientists create the Woman of the future.

These are exciting times we live in. I just read in the latest issue of "The Scientific Armenian" that scientists have created the woman of the future. The same people who brought us Dolly the Sheep now bring us the Six Breasted Woman.

Now before you send me any nasty emails - let me explain how and why scientists developed this woman of the future.

More and more women are going in for fertility treatment to enable them to have a child. In the olden days - the 1970's - there where few occurrences of people having twins and even fewer triplets. Sure you would see twins out and about in society, but they where considered a social oddity similar to that sideshow staple the bearded lady.

Now thanks to the latest fertility drugs, having twins is as common as microwave popcorn. Yawn. Hoo Hum Bla Bla Bla

Mothers of today are having litters of babies. Four kids, 5 kids and even 8 bouncing babies are all examples of a normal birth now a days.

Well the mothers of yesteryear where cursed by Mother Nature with only having two breasts to provide nourishment for their young. Today's births of four to six children at a time would never survive to a two breasted woman.

So the learned men and woman of various influential medical schools, put their collective craniums together to come up with a solution . And that solution was the 6 breasted woman.

This woman of the future - (nicknamed Dolly - in reference to the first cloned sheep not Miss Parton), will have 6 fully functional breasts that will enable her to provide all the nourishment that her newborns will ever need.

There is a wee bit of a downside to this story for the men out there. Most pregnancies today occur as a result of scientists working in laboratories, and not couples working in their bedrooms.

Soon there will be no need for men to play their part in the miracle of life. Expectant Mothers will be able to pick the father of their brood from a catalog. A "Seed Catalog" if you will.

Scientists are thinking that the penis will simply shrivel up and drop off.

That is a bold and blunt statement but there you have it. When I read the words I still can't believe it.

I think I need a moment to compose myself......

America's Hot New Reality Show

You just have to read the tabloids to see all the stars(?) crying about how they where abused as a child by their father/mother nanny etc. How they where forced into a destructive cycle of alcohol and drug abuse, because they where not allowed to have their own cell phone growing up in da hood. If all the magazines documenting the hardships of celebrities where laid out end to end, it would circle the world several times over.

If you want examples I have provided a few links for you:

Christina Aguilera talking about her father beating her for disturbing his afternoon nap.

Daughter of The Mamas and The Papas star talks about having sex with dear old dad.

Umm The Mamas and The Papas? I'm not sure the twittering youth of today have any idea about the group nor do they care. That select demographic tends to ignore anything that a) does not shower them with attention or b) happened longer then 48 hour ago. But I digress...

I'm thinking that the rash of celebrity abuse stories could open up the possibility for an exciting new TV show this fall.

Unless you have been living in Tora Bora for the past few years, everyone should be familiar with the plethora of Reality - talent shows that are on TV now. "So you think you can Dance?" "American Idol", "America has Talent" and on and on it goes.



Well it would seem that the majority of celebrities out there have been abused in one shape or form during their youth. What better way to tap into some exciting new talent, and exploit someone's pain at the same time,then to stage a talent show at your local Children's Aid Society?

Some of the names being tossed around by the studio executives for the upcoming show are as follows:

"Dance Orphan Dance!"

"Little Orphan Idol"

"Sing for your supper."

"Upcoming celebrities exploited by fat cat studio executives for ratings"

Winners of the new Children's Aid Idol show will get their own line of clothing, and a show on the Disney channel.

Everyone loves a good Rags to Riches story so executives are expecting big things from the show when it hits the air. Call your local Children's Aid to schedule an audition or see a live taping of the show.

George & Osama - an off broadway play

The anniversary of 9-11 was marked by memorials services, speeches and one very happy former President of the USA - George W Bush. Allow me to explain;



A key component of George Dubya's Presidency was him ranting and raving about finding the nefarious Osama Bin Laden. The man responsible for the attack on America on Sept 11. "Wanted Dead or Alive" was the mantra at the White House. And for years the White House used bunker busting bomb, after bunker busting bomb hoping to cook themselves up one reclusive Jihadist. But alas George Dubya completed his Presidency without being able to announce to CNN the capture of the infamous Osama Bin Laden.

It seems that former President George Bush has taken to fantasizing about the capturing of Osama Bin Laden in a new play he wrote, directed and stars in called "Mission Accomplished - A hero in the White House"

The play starts with our intrepid hero deep in Tora Bora armed only with a Bowie Knife and some bad intentions, fighting his way ever closer to his target - Osama Bin Laden.(The part of OBL is played by Mohammed Ibrahim Festivus Jones a 3rd year theater student)



Of course this being a play put on by a former President, it is safe to say that he gets the bad guy in the end and peace blossoms throughout the lands.

If you listen to former first lady Barbara Bush the play has been a great success.

"This play dealing with the capture, trial and subsequent execution of Osama Bin Laden has improved George's mood considerably. Prior to the play he would mope around the house. He was miserable and very irritable. Even Dick (Cheney) stopped coming round. Writing "A hero in the White House" has given George the chance to fulfill his dreams."

For the privileged few who have seen the play the reviews have been positive.

"Mission Accomplished George bravo!" - Dick Cheney

"I laughed, I cried, I peed a little - great stuff!" - Condoleezza Rice


There are no plans to take the play to Broadway yet, but rumors are circulating that it could be opening at Gitmo very soon. Perhaps as part of the Guantanamo Christmas Assembly. More details to follow.

--No theater students where harmed in the play, though a few migrant workers where shot by on overzealous Dick Cheney. Osama Bin Laden is still roaming free and is yet to fall into the arms of US forces.

Cash for Clunkers 2 - Out with the old - in with the new.

Well it seems that the Cash for Clunkers initiative that the Obama administration put in place has been a huge success. The program was designed to give consumers a cash incentive to turn in their old gas guzzling cars, for newer more efficient models. The idea is that buying these new cars will provide jobs for their neighbors, and pollute the environment less. A win win for all involved if you believe the Government press releases.

On the subject of Government press releases - I have found one from the Department for the Advancement of Feeble Thinking (DAFT) that looks like we will be seeing more of the cash for clunkers initiative. The Press release is included below:




There has been such a positive response about the "Cash for Clunkers" program that DAFT has decided to implement a Cash for Clunkers 2 program with the sole purpose of stimulating the economy.

Couples who have been legally married for a period greater than 10 years are invited to take part in this exciting Government program. Eligible couples can "trade in" their old spouse and receive up to $10,000 in tax free funds.

There are very specific requirements on how the tax free dollars can be spent. Please see subsection 2A for more details.

Subsection 2A

Government funds received through the Cash for Clunkers 2 program can only be spent to "woo" a new spouse. The money can be spent on items such as dinners out with your new love interest, theater tickets,jewelery, hotel rooms etc.

Government studies have shown that people in a new relationship report that they feel better, sleep better and most importantly they spend more money. The Cash for Clunkers 2 program is designed to take advantage of that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling that new lovers get.



There are a lot of unhappily married couples out there. Do not let that stop you from living the life you deserve. Trade in your old clunker of a spouse and get some Uncle Sam greenbacks to help you in your quest for Mr or Mrs Right.

We are expecting that the money spent on items such as jewelry, dinners and theater tickets will have a positive impact on the "luxury" industry during these tough times.

Fields such as Family Counseling, and Therapists can also expect to see an increase in their business.

Interested parties who want to take advantage of the Cash for Clunkers 2 program - please note that breast implants , and stomach stapling must be accompanied with the proper forms signed by your physician to be eligible.

The Global recession and a rise in Amish crime.

Times are tough all over. This recession that is gripping the world has not shown any favoritism. In fact even the Amish have started to complain about how it is effecting their lifestyle.

One aspect of the Amish that people are familiar with is "Barn Raising". Barn Raising happens when a large mob of able bodied Amish men armed with hammers and chewing tobacco, gather at a neighbors farm. This group of motivated Amish can construct a barn in a single afternoon. Well a combination of the global recession and large industrial scale farming operations, have hit the rural farmer hard and put a serious crimp in the amount of barns needing to be raised by the Amish.



The Amish like Wall St fat cats, know the value of diversification and they have expanded their barn raising operation to also include, the construction of the strip malls and big box stores that you find in your neighborhood. The Amish have a huge competitive advantage over other companies as they generally shun money, and prefer to be paid in denim overalls and leaf tobacco.

Unfortunately the Amish youth have not all signed on to the opportunities represented by big box store construction. Sadly there are reports that some youths have fallen into a life of Amish street crime. Police have reported gangs of Amish youths roaming the rural roads in their modified horse and buggies, looking to pounce on their Amish neighbor returning from a quilting bee, or a wayward suburbanite who stumbled unwittingly into their lair.

Police where alerted to the threat of roaming Amish gangs when they started receiving a higher than normal amount of calls dealing with overturned butter churns.



The Police have expressed concern that the violence from the Amish gangs could escalate as Mexican migrant workers are venturing further into the back roads of Pennsylvania - the very center of the Amish stronghold. The recession makes it harder for everyone to find work and survive and it is only a matter of time before these two groups meet in an epic battle.

In one corner we have the people who make sensible furniture - and I don't mean IKEA, versus the people who make a tasty tortilla - and I don't mean Taco Bell. The battle when it comes will be legendary.

Are you smarter than a microwave oven?

I fear that if mankind continues down our current path, in a few short years the cognitive ability of mankind will be superseded by simple household appliances such as the coffeemaker or microwave. We are going to wake up one morning and find ourselves being ruled over by a programmable toaster.

Let’s consider the facts shall we;

Computers chips are getting smaller and more technologically advanced. An article in the Scientific Armenian stated that the computer chip in the programmable egg timers of today, is in fact more powerful then the computer chip that was used during the entire “Race for Space” in the 1960’s. Computers in their early years where housed in warehouses and where serviced by teams of scientists scuttling here and there in an attempt to diagnose the chirps and beeps emitting from the steam belching behemoths.

Fast forward a few decades and we can see that computers have made much bigger advancements than mankind has. Consider how the Blackberry has spread it's influence though society. It is now considered a vital accessory to any successful business person. The field of medicine has made huge steps forward thanks to computers as well. Computers now allow for the improved acquisition, display and analysis of radionuclide data that is used in Nuclear Medicine.

The speed at which technology is advancing makes your head spin.

What advancements can mankind speak of? – Ladies and Gentlemen let me present mankind’s crowning glory – “Cheese in a Can” and Reality TV.



A steady diet of either of aforementioned items and your brain is sure to atrophy and shrivel up to the size of a raisin. Don’t believe me? Try this experiment and for fun use your spouse as the “control”



Watch back to back episodes of Rock of Love whilst dining on an aerosol propelled “cheese” like product. If you find yourself saying either of the following phrases – “Hey this cheese like product is tasty and delicious” or “Rock of Love is such a touching drama it's like how Daddy met Momma”

Do not pass Go or collect $200 but hitch a ride on public transit – it’s obvious you should not be driving in your condition - and kindly ask the nice Bus driver person to run the wheels of their bus over your head repeatedly until you are dead.

If on the other hand you find yourself gagging at both the “Cheese” like product and Rock of Love – go forth and procreate. Copulate, copulate copulate. This is your duty as a reasonably intelligent human being . Spread your genes. It is only the speed of your sperm and fertility of your eggs that will save mankind from a thankless existence paying homage to a waffle maker.

A tastier "Meat pocket" and a happier pet.

The Marketing of products or services is the one thing on earth, other than crack cocaine that we are powerless to resist.

Many times you will come out of a Madison Avenue induced trance to find yourself clutching a phone to your ear, confirming your shipping address, and buying complete sets of Pasta Pots just because it was a "limited time offer."

The marketing people have lots of fancy charts and graphs that tell them what we like to eat,drink and excrete. Well these devious minds have hit the proverbial home run when it comes to the marketing of pet foods.

Take a stroll through the pet food aisle at your local grocery store and you will see what I mean. There is a veritable smorgasbord of delicacies that have been constructed, if you believe what the commercials tell us, to allow your precious Fido or Snowflake to have a culinary experience the likes of which could not be found outside of the finest French restaurants.

"New Meat Pockets","Made with real Kobe beef", "Reduce tarter", "Improve your pet's breath". The messages on the colorful packages of pet food assault our eyeballs until we find ourselves submitting to their message, and dragging a 50lb bag of Organic - pre chewed, pre seasoned, gastronomic orgasm inducing Dog Kibble to the checkout.

I'm not sure how many of you reading this are pet owners, but for those who are not let me explain a simple fact about pets and their eating preferences - they are not picky eaters.

Let me present exhibit A:



A dead varmint that has been "seasoning" under the porch for 3 weeks or the latest concoction from the pet food conglomerate? When given the choice, pets will take whatever is covered in dirt and/or hair. They also seem to prefer anything that smells like the bathroom after Uncle Larry visits.

The one phrase that seems to be emblazoned on all the pet food is- "Now with a new improved taste!" I ask you this - are we relying on the educated palate of your tom cat to verify this claim?

We need to conduct a taste test - similar to the Pepsi Challenge only using pet food with the "Original Meaty Chunks" and the "New Improved Meatier Chunks" recipe. Give out samples at your next dinner party and ask your friends to choose whether the new product is indeed tastier then the original.

Pets have limited ability to reason, so do the right thing for them and their health. Sample the pet food options yourself and choose an item that you feel your little Mitzy will truly appreciate. Don't rely on the Madison Avenue fat cats to tell you what your pet likes to eat. Who knows your pet better than you do? that's right - no one!

The Migratory Patterns of Canadians

If you look at the calendar you would see that Summer has officially arrived. I live in Canada and Summer is a traditionally busy time of year for everyone up here. Our igloos have all melted forcing us to become a nomadic people scrounging for food and shelter.

This time of year in Canada is known as "Canadian Seasonal Forced Colonization". Even just a few dozen years ago the seasonal nomadic activities of all Canadians was a time of heightened dangers. With our family homes having disintegrated under the rays of the summer sun we where well and truly exposed to the elements. Polar Bears roamed the lands feeding on sick and elderly Canadians, while packs of Christian Missionaries converted all of those who could not out run the bible thumping "do gooders".

If you where able to elude the bears and evangelists, most Canadians headed to US - Canada border where huge tent cities would seemingly appear overnight. People would cluster near the border in the hopes of pulling a wayward wifi,or television signal out of the air. With the new Digital Television requirements in the US, this has forced many of the Canadian tent cities to rely on books and newspapers - shudder - for their information.



Access to the Internet is a much sought after commodity during the migratory period of Canadians. Every year a black market springs up with people paying outlandish prices for the privilege to update their Facebook status. There is a rumor circulating in the tent city where I am,that Angelina Jolie Pitt traded a wireless network card for somebodies 4 year old.

I for one am grateful that this period of forced migration is simply temporary. In a few weeks when the temperature begins to drop again,me and my fellow Canadians will pack up our meager belongings, fight off the bands of bears and missionaries, and make our way back to our traditional hunting grounds. There is a lot of competition in regards to getting the most desirable spot for your igloo. I think I will start my trip back sooner than the rest of the camp. I have my eyes on a prime piece of real estate - it is right between the Starbucks and The Beer Store.

Mustache Mania - the hot fashion trend sweeping the nation

Well the other day I was shopping in the ultra chic boutique called Dollarama. This chain of boutiques specialize in many fine items ranging from pot scrubbers to plastic figurines of the Virgin Mary. The current demographic seems to be people trying to write humor blogs, and heroin addicts looking for the methadone clinic.

As my eyes scanned the cluttered shelves I was excited to see an item that was guaranteed to make an impact with the global celebutants - "Mustache Mania" it was called. It's unassuming package design does not show consumers the vast potential that they now hold in their hands.



When you purchase "Mustache Mania" you get more than an assortment of left over hair plugs and some industrial adhesive. You get the ability to change into people such as "The Weasel" "The Bruiser" and "The Hollywood". These mustaches give the wearer the ability to experience life as if they where an "A" list celebrity.

If you do happen to be an "A" list celebrity reading this, I am willing to consider reasonable offers for my upcoming screen play entitled - "Mustache Mania - The story of a boy,a mustache and a dream"

I could not believe my good fortune in finding such a hot item of haute couture. It was less than an dollar and it is also a choking hazard! - What more can anyone ask for?

I nonchalantly grabbed all the "Mustache Mania" packages that the store had in stock and with my arms now fully loaded I made my way to the cash register.

It was only after the clerk put the last of my "Mustache Mania" packages in the bag that I let a smile cross my lips. I felt like someone who just found a Picasso at a yard sale.

I'll be modeling the mustaches supplied to see if they give me access to the inner power circles in Hollywood. Stay tuned sports fans.

"The Sheriff" out.....

Where in the @#*# is Osama Bin Laden?

It's been several years now since George Dubya declared a jihad on Osama Bin Laden's head. Other then the occasional low budget video rant we have seen nothing from the elusive Bin Laden. As a public service I have decided to include some evidence that was provided to me from Government sources that could help narrow the hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

These are the facts and they are undisputed.

Osama is an older man of 52 years having being born in 1957 in the back of a Saudi Arabian city bus. US Government studies show that members of that specific demographic favor recreational activities such as Casinos and wine tours not running Jihads. Perhaps Osama has finally decided to put down his Kalashnikov and seek out the simpler pursuits?

I submit as evidence a grainy Government photo taken Aug 2008 which allegedly shows Osama Bin Laden and an unidentified companion playing a vigorous game of lawn bowling.



This picture would certainly add fuel to the fire of those who believe Osama has moved on to a life of leisure. Looking at the photo it seems to me, an untrained observer that Osama has a freakishly large head.

Perhaps Osama has taken up residence in a large urban center such as Las Vegas or Miami Beach which could fulfill all his entertainment needs. My initial thought is Osma is not going to settle someplace like Las Vegas. Las Vegas has too much going on to stimulate his senses. Too many lights, too many sounds and too many partially clad showgirls. All of these things add up to sensory overload for anyone who has spent anytime living in a damp hole in the ground.

Several government agencies have reported seeing him on several cruise ships dominating at the shuffleboard court.

It's true that I have never organized a Jihad before, but I would imagine to run a successful Jihad you would require a Hi speed internet connection. Seeing as the frozen hinterlands of the lawless Afghanistan/Pakistan border lack a reliable wi-fi connection I'm confident that we can cross those locations off the list of places where Osama can be found.

Now there is one item that I was made aware of through my connections at DAFT (Department for the Advancement of Feeble Thinking) which is not common knowledge about Osama Bin Laden. My source states that Osama is never far from his trusty camel "Stuttgart". Now most jurisdictions have specific bylaws that restrict the type of animal a home owner can have on their property. One area of the country that is extremely lax in regards to this is Las Vegas. Celebrities like Sigfried and Roy have lived for years with their brood of white tigers, and Celine Dion has a family of beavers living in her guest house. It's quite common to see people like Tom Jones walking their exotic pets early Sunday morning en route to Starbucks.

In his latest video tape Osama can be seen ranting and raving about how Susan Boyle was robbed at the finals of Britain has talent. His latest frothing at the mouth outburst, can only come from someone who is plugged into popular culture through cable tv or the use of websites like You Tube.

I'm beginning to think that Uncle Sam needs to go to Vegas and poke around there - all the evidence seems to be pointing to the fact that you can find Osama on the Vegas Strip.

Father's Day on a high speed connection.

I was out of the house early this morning before anyone else got up. I know today was Father's Day and I was probably ruining a little boy's plans by leaving early but I had to close the Paterson deal if I wanted to keep putting food on the table and a Lexus in the driveway. My son Josh could always get therapy - paid for through my company benefits if my leaving early had a negative impact on his life.

My drive into work went smoothly. There was less traffic then usual at this early hour. I know in a few hours the highways and city streets would be plugged with car loads of guilt ridden offspring ferrying dear old dad to a greasy spoon diner for breakfast, or to the golf course for an early morning tee off.

When I arrived at work I could see that I was the first one here, even my boss Mr Weeds had not made it in yet. Mr. Weeds was a notorious workaholic and made promotions based on how big the bags under your eyes where.

I had been working at the head office of Fleece Uncouth Cockman and Knight (FUCK) for over 15 years now. I had all the trappings of a successful executive. The large house with the well manicured lawn in the 'burbs, the obligatory Lexus in my driveway, a distant and alcoholic wife and a son and daughter who where raised by nannies and Dr Phil. Yeah if you listen to corporate America I had made it.

I suppose there are those of you out there that think I should feel bad for missing an overcooked breakfast prepared by my children. To you I say this, with the surge in technological advancements and electronic doo dads out there on the market place it's now easier than ever before to connect with your children from the office.



Today on Father's Day it's true that I missed getting woken up by my children as they offered me a plate of burnt offerings, but I can turn on my webcam here at work and see the children as they tip toe into my room to shower me with Ties and Macaroni Art. Later while I prepare for the business meeting I can get regular Twitter updates - tweets I believe they are called, about what is happening at my breakfast table. "We're having pancakes" and "Mom can't find the corkscrew" It'll be just like being there. Thanks to technology I can experience Father's Day with my family from my prestigious corner office at Fleece Uncouth Cockman and Knight.

When I finally close the Paterson deal we'll upgrade our wireless plan to include unlimited texting so we can stay even closer as a family - OMG LOL

My ship has finally come in....

Well tonight when I logged in to get my email I was happy to see that I had been chosen by some wealthy Solomon Island native to be showered with gold rupees ,pesos or drachmas (not sure what the currency is in the Solomon Island) but never the less my ship has finally come in. I have included below my lucky email along with my responses (in bold) to my new benefactor.




======================================================================================
Mrs Gift Clement
From Solomon Island
Avenue 8450

Hello my dear ,

This message might come to you as a supprised. I am Mrs Gift Clement from Solomon Island. I am married to Mr.Clement William from UK who worked in UK Embassy in GUINEE for nine years before he died in the year 2000.

We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

I am sorry that my current lifestyle has little similarity to the one shared by you and the former Mr. Clement William. I am a practicing Satanist currently under house arrest. I was found responsible for killing and dismembering several spammers. The people who send you emails about Penis size and Nigerian Bank accounts. Not the people who have acquired a taste for the canned meat


Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. Pshaw - the bible is so last years news. If you want a book that will change your life - subscribe to TV Guide.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5 Million in a bank recently, my DOCTOR told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church,organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in.

I want a Muslim or church,organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of Allah/God is maintained. --That fact I am a convicted murderer of spammers has made me an honored citizen in most US states, so it should bode well for meeting your criteria for being a "good person"

I have little desire to get an orphan as I am neither a celebrity or a member of Hollywood's elite. I'm not familiar with either the house of God, or Allah for that matter, but the house of Dave could do with a makeover. I will send you photos of my home reno after I have received your check.

l took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not good at all because they are the one that killed my husband in other to have all my late husband prperties and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in badly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace".

I'm not sure about the Lord fighting the good fight for you - but according to Perez Hilton.com the Jonas brothers are really just holographic images designed by a Wall St marketing firm to appeal to the valuable tween demographic. Sorry I interrupted, you where saying...Please go on.....

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.

I want you and the Muslim or church or other organization to always pray for me because the almighty is my shephard.
Speaking of shepherds...that reminds me of a joke I heard once. "Why did God invent women?" "Because sheep can't cook" BADA BING!

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.Please never disclose this convenant to anyone ok.

I won't disclose our correspondence but I may post it on my blog - I imagine that would be ok eh?

I will need the below information to enable me forward it to my bank so that they will contact you immediately:-

(1) Your complete names - my friends call me Dave but I am thinking of changing it to one of the lesser known elements from the periodic table. Caesium has a nice ring to it I think.

(2)Your house address I'm currently living out of a VW van parked at the corner of Bridge and Maple. It's the rust colored one. Just knock and I'll let you in.

(3).Company name if any. Former CEO of GM

(4).Private telephone number I'm living in a F*&^%$ VW van- do you think I have a phone or fax?

(5) Private fax number you're starting to annoy me with all your questions

(6) Private email address --I'm warning you.

(7) Your brief profile - I'm a very angry convicted murderer who is upset over the fact that your questions are revealing deficiencies in my life. I'm a 30 something year old man living in a van - without a phone or fax???

(8) Your Photograph - Take a look on Interpol for a recent photo

(9) Your bank account. I had all my money in real estate that is why I'm now living in a van.


Please do keep the confidential of this transaction for my funds security reason otherwise i will look for another perosn right? Once again, remember to always been in your computer because delay is not good for my health i can die any day so you should get back to me as to forward your information to my bank so that they will transfer these funds before i die.

Thanks and Remain blessed.
Mrs Gift Clement.

=====================================================================================

Sounds legit don't you think? I reckon I'll send it off and see what it gets me. Hey if you want to forward any of the spam you are receiving I figure you can send it to Mrs Clement in the Solomon Islands at gift_clements4@yahoo.com Gives her something to read on her death bed.

A "2 for 1" shoe sale and a brush with death.

The call came at 4:30 in the morning. It was too early for Sandeep and his band of telemarketing cronies to be calling North America, so the phone call pulling me from my state of slumber was likely important.

"My water broke- the baby is on it's way"

The voice was that of my stepdaughter.

"Broke now?" I replied "Just use some Shamwow, it'll clean it right up. It's good for cars and motorhomes but I sure a little home birthing is not out of the question. Try that first, then we can discuss this baby thing in a few hours. Hang in there keep your head up - talk to you in the morning" With that I placed the phone back in it's cradle and stumbled back to my bed.

It seemed to be mere seconds after my head hit the pillow that I was again woken up. Not by a ringing phone this time but by two hysterical females. My wife and the aforementioned pregnant stepdaughter where hurling both abuse and pointy objects at my former slumbering form.

"She's having the baby - get your NO GOOD *@#%*%! ASS OUT OF THAT BED!"

I tried to focus on the rapidly changing situation whilst dodging the missiles that where being hurled with great accuracy at my "sensitive bits".

I tried to distract my attackers by throwing fliers advertising shoe sales.



"Look over there it's a 2 for 1 sale" I gesticulated frantically at the papers I had hurled at their feet.

"Oh look at those sandals, they're so cute. I'd have to get a new dress to go with them" My stepdaughter replied.

Maybe my tactic was working, maybe I had successfully distracted my attackers. Releasing a little sigh I began to settle into the covers one more time.

"Not so fast jackass." my wife responded. It seems it would take more than a 2 for 1 sale to throw her off my scent.

"She's having the baby and you can either drive us to the hospital, or you can experience the miracle of birth - live and in technicolor here in your house."

Shuddering at the thought of orchestrating a home based birth, I rolled out of bed wincing slightly as a result my newly bruised "sensitive bits" and got dressed for the drive to the hospital.

"Before we go to the hospital" I heard my stepdaughter saying, "can we stop at the store and get some of those fabulous sandals?"

"What those," I responded, glancing disinterestedly at the 2 for 1 shoe sale flier I had thrown earlier. "Oh I wouldn't worry about that - the sale was last week"

With a speed and ferocity that is only seen on FOX "When Animals attack" specials. My stepdaughter had her hands on my throat and was trying to choke me.

My eyes raced around the room, I could see my wife coming towards me. Finally someone to help me out of my predicament.

"You're doing it all wrong dear." I heard my wife saying. "If you want to choke a man you need to put your hand here and .....

Blackness ..peace

In all seriousness now - Baby Jude was delivered in a hospital by professionals, and mother, baby and father are doing fine. I on the other hand am afraid of clowns.

The Steroid Bar at Home Depot

There are few things that raise testosterone levels in men to dangerous levels. They are in no particular order; V8 engines, womens beach volleyball , barbecues,and any home improvement project that involves power tools.

It seems to be an integral part of a "real man's" DNA to have the ability and desire, to dismantle a V8 engine , and rebuild it using parts that are constructed out of old lawnmowers. Alpha Male Mechanics will group together with others of their kind and they will spin tall tales involving rebuilt carbs, the tensile strength of carbon fiber and high performance engine modifications harnessing the power of farts to propel vehicles to unheard of speeds. Don't take my word for it, take a look on You Tube and you'll see what I am talking about.

Even though I have the necessary genitalia and genetic makeup, I can never gain entrance into this exclusive club of Alpha Male Mechanics. Their entrance requirements are quite strict. For the test this year it is an essay question on the best way to improve the torque in a '74 hemi engine. You can only use items you can find in a "real man's" glove compartment - which if you believe the test contains items such as a socket set,lubricant - know what I mean , say no more - nudge nudge wink wink - and a filleting knife. I'm guessing the correct answer is to put the filleting knife to the throat of an auto mechanic and threaten to sever a major artery unless he finds a way to improve compression in your 74 hemi. But that is just me.....

If you really want to see the hold that power tools have on males on this planet look no farther then the steroid bar that opened up at my local Home Depot. Home Depot is well known for having a huge assortment of power tools and hardware gadgetry. And we are already aware as to the supernatural pull that power tools have over men so it seemed like the natural spot to put a Steroid Bar - it's called "The Juiced Bar" - Catchy name if you ask me, which no one did.


Finally there is a place where former professional athletes can hold court and teach the up and comers all they need to know when it comes to steroids. Items that are discussed over a syringe are how to trick a urine test, and the proper etiquette when injecting your friends. "The Juiced Bar" even has workshops you can sign up for. Coming up next weekend up is "Harnessing your 'roid rage" and "Bench press your drill press".

I understand the "rage" thing as that is an emotion that I have encountered before, but I'm not clear on what a "drill press" is. I think it must be a Chippendale's dance routine.

Dude what's with Twitter?

Can someone explain to me the whole "Twitter" craze? Maybe I'm missing something but I have little desire - no scratch that - no desire to know when someone is "eating a ham sandwich", or "thinking about watching American Idol."

If you are honest with yourself, most people have nothing note worthy to say at the best of times - why do they think that their thoughts have more substance to them when published on the latest social networking site? Who is that interesting that you want to be updated via wifi connection about their every coming and going?

It was in the news recently about which celebrity had the most followers on Twitter. Ashton Kutcher's name came up several times in these articles. To build on my previous point about people not having anything news worthy to contribute to the plethora of tweets and twitters that are out there consider this;

If a celebrity's cinematic claim to fame is "Dude where's my Car?" - what makes you think that getting regular updates via Twitter will give you any more insight into their character?

Imagine for a moment that the collective twittering of planet earth would be analyzed by scientists hundreds of years from now. It has been said that you can learn much about a people through the study of their communication. What on earth would these learned men and women deduce from our nonsensical twitterings?

Ancient civilizations had items such as the "Rosetta Stone" that allowed scientists to gain valuable insight into their culture and how they lived. Scientists of tomorrow will be forced to rely on gems such as "picking up dry cleaning" and "eating marinated figs, mmh delicious" to give them insight.

If these same scientists of tomorrow get a hold of "Dude where's my Car?" I fear no good can come of it.

Camping Adventures

Well this weekend here in Canada is the Victoria Day long weekend. Victoria Day was originally instituted to commemorate Queen Victoria’s birthday but now symbolizes the traditional start of camping season and opening up the cottages.

What you consider “camping” I suppose is defined based on what demographic group you fall into.

For those of you who are between the ages of 16 – 25 – “Camping” is a simple process. It may or may not involve a tent or any camping equipment at all. It will include lots of alcohol, drugs and a veritable pharmacy of mind altering stimulants the like not seen since Grandma’s hip replacement. Food is an item that is often forgotten entirely. In fact people would rather fill the remaining space in their already overloaded vehicles with the aforementioned drugs and alcohol rather then bring along silly items like food.

At the end of a weekend camping, you can expect to have several bruises and possible broken bones that where a result of you trying to find your inner “Captain Morgan”. It is also possible that you will be shunned by members of the opposite sex for the remainder of your adult life based solely on your enthusiastic review of the latest Star Trek film.

The stories, and injuries that come about as a result of these mayhem fueled weekends will follow you for years. The statute of limitations though, that varies based on your district – contact your local authorities to see when can put that “incident with the donkey” behind you.

For the demographic group 26 – 55 your camping experiences are much closer to what you may see in commercials. Your camping adventures will be filled with, fishing with the kids, cooking dinner over an open fire and singing songs around the campfire. Could this be the idyllic camping adventures that people reminisce about?

Alas dear friends there is more to your camping adventures then what is shown in commercials. Some of the camping excitement that is not often depicted in any advertising campaigns are the following;

- Removing a fishing lure from the ear lobe of a hapless family member as a result of an erratic cast by an enthusiastic 8 year old.

- applying ointment to your “nether regions” as a result of squatting in a patch of poison ivy.

- Dad severing a major artery whilst trying to clean the fish little Billy caught.

- And Mom polishing off the “cooking wine” and nearly drowning in the lake.

Oh the memories……

For those of you over the age of 55, camping is defined as going into your impeccably manicured backyard and reminiscing over icy cold refreshments about camping mishaps of yesteryear.

Government studies have shown that it is statistically safer to pitch a tent in your living room, cook up a plate of fish sticks and watch reruns of "Dancing with the Stars" rather then venture off into the great unknown. The only thing that could possibly come close to the excitement of camping, may be stuffing live kittens down your pants and going to a Michael Vick dog fight.

Let this post serve as a lesson for the generations that will come after us. Leave the great outdoors to the spotted owls and grizzly bears. Stay inside where it's safe.

Mothers Day - not all that it seems

Mothers Day - the perfect "Hallmark" holiday. The holiday that came out of a Norman Rockwell picture if you believe the tripe the advertisers are pitching. Can anyone out there relate to the "Wholesome" family image being portrayed in the Mother's Day commercials? Kids are cute, both the father and mother are beautiful, and the dog is a golden retriever.

You don't even have to look but you know that the family depicted in the commercials, live in the burbs, have a picket fence and drive a mini van. ACK!

I hate to be the one to bring this up, but everything is not exactly as it seems on TV. Allow me to explain.

What the camera does not show you in this slice of "Wholesome Family Values" is the huge wad of bills that little Billy got from peddling his grandmother's painkillers to his classmates.

Nor do we see the needle marks on Mother's arms. Those are tastefully hidden behind the vase of tulips on the table. In the 60's The Rolling Stones sang about Mother's little helper -
"Kids are different today, I hear ev'ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she's not really ill, there's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day"

Well instead of pills the Mom of the new millennium needs a syringe of high grade heroin to give here the energy she needs to help her fulfill her duties as soccer mom.

Dad - well he's having an affair with his secretary and is thinking of fleeing the country.

Little Suzie - surely she can't be tainted in any way? She is the family princess and pure as Ivory soap.

Hate to break it to you campers, but Little Suzie has a successful web cam empire running a stable of underage school girls that cater to the repressed needs of the "All American Dad". Business is booming and she is looking to expand her market and target the clergy. If the Vatican was worried about the new Angels & Demons film, they ought to be more concerned about Little Suzie and her plan to take over the world.

You would think that this would kill the dream of the"typical American family" but no. People love the idea of the perfect family and like to hold out hope that indeed that family is out there somewhere. People strive to achieve this lofty goal. I think the first step in achieving this goal is to have the right pet. This afternoon I'm getting a Golden Retriever, and after that I will put a new coat of paint on my picket fence.

HBDC Story Meme

The collection of ne'er do wells and social misfits at Humor Bloggers Dot Com are at it again. This time around we're trying to work as a semi cohesive unit to collectively write a story. "Many keyboards and only one mind" is what Confucius said so without further ado I present the collective works of the Humor Bloggers.

(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn't her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.

(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn't just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldahyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman's terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she'd thought many times before, but never said aloud.

"It's smaller than I thought it would be."

(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.


Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its' stem wrapped in a napkin with the message

'? from Your Secret Admirer ?'

written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she'd had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.

(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn't trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.

She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.

Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.

Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states....

(AmyOops) But on her journey back, she learned in Belguim they don't use deutschmarks to open the toliets. So here she was stranded in a strange country and had to use the bathroom.

Oh whats a girl to do....

( Ettarose) She did the only thing she could think to do. She hiked her skirt up and grabbing her naughty parts, let loose with a long perfectly aimed stream of pee that went up over the cracked wooden stall door and gave a satisfying groan as she heard it hit her mark. “Hey!” someone yelled from the other side of the locked door. “Watch who the hell you are pissing on you skank!” Wanda was so startled she lost her concentration and as her pee dribbled down her legs and soaked her bobby socks. The door slammed open and there stood the biggest, hairiest lesbian Wanda had ever seen. “Where did you learn to do that?” she asked in awe as Wanda’s piss dripped off her nose. Oh great Wanda thought, now what?

(Lady Sarcasm) Wanda thought that it she played up on the woman's (?) awe, that she could charm her way right out of this hot mess. "I was a model for the P-mate, and eventually I showed them I could do it without a P-mate, so I was fired." Wanda explained. "Why I'll be!" said the burly lesbian known as Jackee. Jackee's awe was short lived Wanda noticed. Jackee was stepping forward. "That model thing was kind of cute, but what are you going to do about the fact that you just pissed all over me huh?" asked Jackee. Wanda immediately thought of that formaldahyde and tree sap smelling Triceratops penis...

“Do you wanna?” asked Wanda. “Do I wanna what?” countered Jackee. “Do you wanna foot long?” clarified Wanda. “No honey, I don’t go that way” exclaimed Jackee. “No, no” said a weary Wanda, “Do you wanna foot long for five bucks?” “Hey! shouted Jackee, “I won’t go there at any price!” Disappointed, Wanda quelled the rumblings in her tummy. She’d had her heart set on that steak and mushroom foot-long submarine sandwhich at Subway.

To subtly shift the subject of speech Wanda whispered “I absolutely adore alliteration”. “Some would say so” joked Jackee. “Oh, did I say that outloud” wondered Wanda, “Sorry”.

“I have a penis” proclaimed Wanda. “And I thought I was hiding something” retorted Jackee. “No, no” said Wanda, “It’s not mine – it belonged to a Triceratops. Here, look.”

“Oh my it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before” sighed Jackie. “Yeah, I can’t imagine you’ve seen many penises, eh?” queried (no pun intended – queer-eed) Wanda.

But that’s where Wanda was wrong (no alliteration intended). It turned out Jackee was not only of the poetess Sappho persuasion, she was also... (rimshit followed by cymbals)(hey, this is a cheap meme, not a big budget hollywood suspense thriller) ...a palaeontologist!!!

“Au contraire” parlayed Jackie – because not only was she a gay palaeontologist, but she came from gay Pa-ree!!! “I have seen many pre-historic penises, just never one this small or one this bleu, sacre!”

“Hmmm,” Wanda thought, “That’s the first time I’ve heard a big dyke complain about a small dick!”

Wanda's attention was drawn to a drop of her urine that was slowly rolling down the nose of her new lesbian friend. The droplet seemed to balance on the end of Jackee's nose and glisten in the sun. Her moment with the urine was shattered when Jackee blurted out - "So can I see it again?"

"See what? I thought you did not like dicks?" Wanda responded

"Not your dick silly , the dino dick. Back at my lab in gay paree - it's located in the homosexual section of the city, don't judge me the rent is cheap. Anyways in my lab we can conduct all sorts of tests on the dino dick and maybe learn something about its' former owner"

"Um I dunno, what can you learn from a dick?"

"Well if you listen to my girlfriend you can learn how to belch, scratch your ass and use power tools" Jackee laughed.

"Maybe you're right Jackee, testing the dino dick in the lab could get me closer to finding out who sent me the prehistoric penis. Where did they get it? and what message are they trying to send me?"

"So you and your dino dick will come to my lab in Paris for testing?

"Speaking for my dick I can say that we would be happy to join you at your lab"

"Excellent Excellent" Jackee exclaimed jumping up and down causing the remaining urine to fly off her in a fine mist. "You'll love Paris, and I can't wait for you to meet my girlfriend. She has her own vagina now. You honestly can't tell she used to be an accountant named Steve"

Wanda shuddered inside about the prospect of meeting a post operative "Steve", but she forced a smile and responded - "Great So when can we go?"

Now onto "Wannasmile" for the next exciting installment....

The Four Horsepeople of the Apocalypse

During this latest media induced crisis, a time when our thoughts turn to death, pandemics,pestilence and plagues. My thoughts of course turned to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse - do you think it's time that they updated their preferred mode of transportation? Who rides horses anymore? It's so 1800's. And their whole schtick of being "harbingers of doom" --woo woo - is getting a bit old. Time to dust off the horsemen and update their image.

Seeing as the horsemen are agents of death it's not likely that they will be driving an environmentally sound choice like a Toyota Prius as their preferred vehicle. I'm thinking they will be driving souped up dune buggies like the ones seen in the Mad Max films. Vehicles that belch out clouds of noxious ozone destroying pollutants and run exclusively on leaded gasoline. Actually the vehicles wont run on gasoline at all, but they will run on a highly explosive mixture made out of kittens and song birds.



Times have changed and I for one think that the horsemen would find greater success if they replaced some of their numbers with females. I know that if I ever saw a shrieking woman driving a kitten powered toxin spewing vehicle of destruction, I for one would welcome death. We all know the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and I'm sure we have all met some women that makes us pause for a moment and wonder if Hell can really be all that bad...



The traditional four horsemen of the apocalypse - now referred to as "the horsepeople of the apocalypse" came bearing gifts of war,famine,pestilence and death - well the new horsepeople will bring a more updated assortment of goodies for public consumption.

Pestilence and death will be replaced by Spoiled lunch meat and Swine Flu.

New vulnerabilities in mankind will be exploited by the horsepeople.

With a push of a button the horsepeople will be able to release millions of gallons of peanut oil from their vehicles. Those with peanut allergies will be swept away in the oily wall of death, while those remaining will be forced to swim for their lives or perish in a sea of peanuty goodness.

Thanks to the wonder of modern technology we will be able to witness the swath of death and destruction inflicted by the horsepeople via breaking news updates on CNN.

I wonder if the Horsepeople are on Twitter? Maybe I’ll send them a quick note and see if they can pay a "special" visit to the people on my list. They are all worthy candidates for a visit. The people who started the idea of being "Politically Correct" are at the top of my list, along with the inventors of Muzak and Reality TV. Maybe I'll include an episode of The Bachelor or Rock of Love so the Horsepeople have the proper motivation when they come a calling.