The call came at 4:30 in the morning. It was too early for Sandeep and his band of telemarketing cronies to be calling North America, so the phone call pulling me from my state of slumber was likely important.
"My water broke- the baby is on it's way"
The voice was that of my stepdaughter.
"Broke now?" I replied "Just use some Shamwow, it'll clean it right up. It's good for cars and motorhomes but I sure a little home birthing is not out of the question. Try that first, then we can discuss this baby thing in a few hours. Hang in there keep your head up - talk to you in the morning" With that I placed the phone back in it's cradle and stumbled back to my bed.
It seemed to be mere seconds after my head hit the pillow that I was again woken up. Not by a ringing phone this time but by two hysterical females. My wife and the aforementioned pregnant stepdaughter where hurling both abuse and pointy objects at my former slumbering form.
"She's having the baby - get your NO GOOD *@#%*%! ASS OUT OF THAT BED!"
I tried to focus on the rapidly changing situation whilst dodging the missiles that where being hurled with great accuracy at my "sensitive bits".
I tried to distract my attackers by throwing fliers advertising shoe sales.
"Look over there it's a 2 for 1 sale" I gesticulated frantically at the papers I had hurled at their feet.
"Oh look at those sandals, they're so cute. I'd have to get a new dress to go with them" My stepdaughter replied.
Maybe my tactic was working, maybe I had successfully distracted my attackers. Releasing a little sigh I began to settle into the covers one more time.
"Not so fast jackass." my wife responded. It seems it would take more than a 2 for 1 sale to throw her off my scent.
"She's having the baby and you can either drive us to the hospital, or you can experience the miracle of birth - live and in technicolor here in your house."
Shuddering at the thought of orchestrating a home based birth, I rolled out of bed wincing slightly as a result my newly bruised "sensitive bits" and got dressed for the drive to the hospital.
"Before we go to the hospital" I heard my stepdaughter saying, "can we stop at the store and get some of those fabulous sandals?"
"What those," I responded, glancing disinterestedly at the 2 for 1 shoe sale flier I had thrown earlier. "Oh I wouldn't worry about that - the sale was last week"
With a speed and ferocity that is only seen on FOX "When Animals attack" specials. My stepdaughter had her hands on my throat and was trying to choke me.
My eyes raced around the room, I could see my wife coming towards me. Finally someone to help me out of my predicament.
"You're doing it all wrong dear." I heard my wife saying. "If you want to choke a man you need to put your hand here and .....
Blackness ..peace
In all seriousness now - Baby Jude was delivered in a hospital by professionals, and mother, baby and father are doing fine. I on the other hand am afraid of clowns.
5 comments:
A 2 for 1 sale to get their minds off a birthing? I'm surprised it didn't work with both of them! After all, women are notorious shoe shoppers, all except me that is :D
Hell, a sale at Goodfoot is a truly rare miracle. Labour generally takes a few hours, some of which I would have killed building up my Nike SB shoe collection.
You should have been forced to watch every detail of the birth and on the way home you should have had to stop and buy new shoes for the ladies and NOT the ones on sale! You nut.
Oh, David...what ever will I do with you??? Shoe stores aren't open at 4:30am, even I would have realized that! But, just the same I am glad I could inspire you with such thought and creativity for your blog. :o)
Yay!!! Congratulations! And an awesome story!
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