Germs, Viruses and Bacterium oh my...

If you pay attention to the advertising out there, our world is simply awash with all manner of germs and viruses. At any moment we are mere seconds away from certain death,from a virus that affixed itself to us when we opened the washroom door. The microscopic vermin are everywhere - door knobs, pens, loose change,your children - it's make the brain over heat, when you start to think about how many of the vermin are out there plotting our demise.

But wait - there is now an answer to our collective germ phobia - hand sanitizers. I'm sure the person who invented these devices - Hans Sanitizer - I believe he was Dutch - won the Noble Prize for his invention and for doing his part for saving humanity.

How do they work? Glad you asked. These small bottles are filled with an alcohol based solution that when applied to your hands kills all germs on contact. In theory it sounds like a great idea - what on earth could go wrong?

Well, consider for a moment where people store these handy life saving devices? Take a poll at your work , or cell block, and I'm sure you'll hear answers like, purses, glove compartments, on my desk etc. Places where the product is easily accessible. But here is the potential flaw in the system - all these places are themselves, a potential ebola virus breeding ground. We need to come up with a product to sanitize the sanitizer.

If your hand sanitizer is sitting on your desk amidst the viruses and bacterium - as soon as you pick it up, you have placed your life, and the life of others at risk. Prior to picking up the sanitizer you need to apply Mr. Hans Sanitizer's newest product "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer". This product comes with latex gloves - packaged in a sterile air tight package - and a bucket with applicator.

Put on the gloves , use the "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer" applicator on the hand sanitizer on your desk, or in your purse. Remove the latex gloves, and dispense the aforementioned hand sanitizer. Rub hands together - ensuring that the nasty germ killing product has effectively covered you.

Phew - that was a lot of work - but saving lives is a task that I will willing undertake. I will let this post serve as my public service announcement.

Remember these easy steps

1. Put on Latex Gloves

2. Use "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer" Applicator on the surface of any sanitizing product.

3. Then, and only then, can you dispense the life saving sanitizing lotion.

Failure to follow these steps could mean that you, or your family could be stricken with a rare tropical disease. You could then find yourself as the subject of a Discovery Channel documentary - "The family who developed blowholes - check your local listings." Don't let it happen to those you love.

Can I get that with extra snake?

What will the killjoys think of next?

I will now not be able to get my fix of snake - python to be precise at my next dinner out. A restaurateur in the UK was offering up Python in coconut sauce as a Halloween special. But alas we will never experience this delicacy. The animal rights activists state, that the snake continues to live for up to an hour after the head has been removed.

Let's be honest here - how productive can that time be? A snake doesn't do much during it's normal day to day routine, other then consume family pets. It has a fairly mundane existence. So if we where to hack it's head off - there is not apt to be much left outstanding on it's reptilian to-do list. It's not like the restaurant is offer a Noble Prize winner in a delicate cream sauce as an entree.

Well if I can't get my Python in coconut sauce - I think I'll have to try the Koala Skewers - they cook it table side.

Mmmmm - has a faint hint of eucalyptus.....

This bag is not a toy.

Things that make me go hmmm....

So you've had a hang nail now for a few weeks and the pain has gotten unbearable. You find yourself late at night thumbing through your local phone directory looking for a solution. Exotic Dancers, Explosives,Extermination and Fumigation - close but not exactly what you where thinking ah ha here it is Euthanasia - Mercy Killing. Interesting there are several places to choose from. Where do I get consumer reviews for the businesses listed here? I mean who do I choose?

There is a lot of responsibility for any company offering mercy killing - would you want to go to an establishment that accepted competitors coupons? Not likely. What about one that offered you the choice to super size it? Not sure what a "supersize" deal is at a mercy killing store. Apparently the store will include either a family pet, or one family member free of charge, to be included in the package. There is likely a large segment of the married market for whom that offer does not appeal - "I'm dying to get away from him/her " is a phrase heard quite often I am sure by the salespeople at that store.



There are options for the budget conscience consumer as well - a do it yourself kit. Hmm looks like a plastic bag - "Instructions - Place over head - secure tightly" Oh look at this - in red letters at the bottom - "This bag is not a toy"


Here is an interesting option for the DIY crowd- William Hung sings the classics - extended version. Comes with one CD - (Extended version) and an Al-Quaida approved box cutter. It does not come with instructions, but anyone can see you put the CD on track one, and press "repeat all". In no time at all, the manufacturer guarantees that you will happily slice your wrists open - or you get your money back. Now that is an offer that any company would be happy to stand behind.

Our product will kill you, or you get your money back- finally some truth in advertising....

Greenland - Fact or Fiction?

There has been some discussion over at Humor Bloggers.com about the Internet habits of the natives of Greenland, specifically whether they enjoy humor blogs. Rather then looking into the extent of the current Greenland fiber optic cable network, and if it is in fact restricting Greenlanders from enjoying the bounty of the Internet, I ask the question - does in fact Greenland even exist?

Pause for a moment to consider.....

Do you know anyone from Greenland? Perhaps you work with a former Greenlandite? No? Hmm I've talked to my parole officer and he has not known any Greenlanders to have used his services before. Oh and the hot dog vendor on the street corner - after he told me to go F@$%^ myself, stated that he does not believe that any natives of Greenland have bought his hot dogs.

Ok so what does this informal survey prove? Not a lot really - but it raises the question if in fact there even is a Greenland.

Let's look at the evidence.

No one has ever met anyone from Greenland

No one from Greenland has come to my blog - as per Google Analytics

Hot Dog Vendor guy has never knowingly sold his product to a Greenlander

And the country is covered in Ice and Snow

I'm from Canada and we have 10 months of winter and 2 months of bad skiing, but even we have Internet access and we use this technology to surf porn and buy Cheesie Snacks in the shape of Jesus - Ahh technology it's a wonderful thing.

The conspiracy theorists amongst us state that the moon landing was faked - if they can fake that - how hard would it be to make an imaginary country full of ice and snow?

Look at their flag



Does it look like any real thought went into that? Or did the marketing department at Warner Brothers simply have a deadline to meet?



If the people of Greenland get this message - please let me know that

a) Greenland is a valid country and not something dreamed up on a Hollywood backlot somewhere

b) you have Internet Access

c) you have indoor plumbing

An anxious world awaits your response.

Halloween and the woman within.

Halloween, All Hallows Eve,whatever you call it - it's the one time of the year when grown men can prance around in their wife's lingerie and make up, and not get added to the sex offender list.



What is it with men dressing up as women at Halloween? I mean it certainly is anything but original. Any Halloween party is apt to have several hairy overweight men mincing around in high heels and fishnets - I'm sorry about that image - but you have to see the truth for what it is - and it is not a pretty picture.

Do you have a man in your life,or social circle, that dresses up in womens' clothing every year for Halloween? Sure they may try to keep it fresh and "original" - one year Betty Boop ,next year Pam Anderson and this year he's looking at that Paris Hilton costume. This is not normal behavior for anyone with an XY chromosone.

When you catch him prancing around in front of the mirror in your stockings and garter belt and he tells you he's trying out a new Halloween costume - in June - be concerned. I mean ladies - the manufacturers tell you that the fabric stretches, but your stockings won't be the same after that hairy, stinky creature poured himself into it.

Buy him some Cher DVD's and put a lock on your closet - you can thank me later.

And the Blind shall see and the lame will walk again ...

This just in...The End is Near. Impending Doom is Immenient, we're all going to die! But what's this you say? - my donation of $50 can save me from being on Satan's dance card? Well it certainly is a good thing that I tuned into this evangelical infomercial.

You've all seen them - faith healers pacing the stage, healing the sick and making the lame walk. The fact that they exist does not concern me. There are crazies everywhere - need proof - stroll any street in your hometown late at night. The crazies come out to look for grubs and berries, and preach about how Homer Simpson is the new Messiah.



My question is how do the crazies get a national TV show? and who in God's green earth believes these guys?

Hell, we as humans are not the smartest inhabitants on the planet - in fact I have worked with people who would lose to Blue Green Algae in an IQ test, but even they would have a hard time sending their money to these televised snake oil salesmen. Seems people will believe anything if it is on that box with the moving pictures on it. Help me restore my faith in the intelligence of my fellow man.

If you ever, ever, feel the urge to put pen to paper and fill out a check for Reverend Jessie Greenjeans and his miracle bottle of Anti - Satanic scented body lotion - first slap yourself - hard - then fill the check out to me, and send it along. I'm sure I can find a good use for your money. And you have my assurances, along with my personal close relationship to Reverand Homer Simpson, to ease your fears that I will spend the money in an irresponsible manner.

The dead vote in Texas.

To quote Monty Python .."Bring out your dead, Bring out your dead"
I'm assuming of course, that you have a corpse or two still lying around in the basement or the garage. It's awkward dragging a corpse to the curb on garbage day,and the neighbors do tend stare and talk amongst themselves.... Well fear not, there is a perfectly reasonable solution to your corpse problem. Take them voting with you. Yes folks that wing of the government that is in charge of registering voters, has decided to register dead people Read it here if you don't believe me - I'll wait....

Ok do you see now? Just because your dead, does not mean that you cannot be part of the democratic process. Mighty thoughtful of those government types to let the dead vote, but to me it sets a dangerous precedent. If the dead can vote what is to stop the government from allowing house pets, ornamental flowers and women to vote as well? And if that goes through we're all going to hell in an proverbial hand basket.

Sarcasm is defined as: a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark

To hell with the polar bears I'm driving Jimmy to school!

International Walk your Kid to School Day - mark your calendars folks. Oct 8th. You can save the planet and mankind by walking your children to school.

Correct me if I'm wrong but did we not walk to school everyday in the olden days - i.e 10- 15 years ago? Now little Jimmy has to get a ride from mommy just to get his shoes from the closet.

If "International Walk to School Day " was being marketed as a chance for families to bond whilst they walk their brood to school - I would find it unpalatable sure, but a lot easier to swallow then this charade. Park the SUV and save the environment by walking Jimmy to school.

While you have the SUV parked - throw out the video game console and computer so little Jimmy is "forced " to play outside - get some exercise kid. And parents - stop using your loud , annoying and pollutant spewing leaf blowers - try an environmentally friendly tool called a ...rake.

If you want to save the environment -sell one of your SUV's and get a rickshaw. You can still drive your kids to school and you can save the planet too. As a fellow occupant of the planet - let me be the first to thank you.



Of course if will only take a few days of running little Jimmy to school in a rickshaw, before your cholesterol impacted arteries burst, and you fall to the ground clutching your chest. But fear not dear suburbanite - your sacrifice was worth it.

Childhood obesity and diabetes is on the rise you say? Hmm I wonder why? Can I get the fries supersized?

Growing up in the 70's with lead based paint.

I had the pleasure of growing up in the 70's and 80's. A time dear reader when we rode bicycles without helmets and lived to tell the tale. A time when a there was lead everywhere. Toys that where not made in China had lead in them, We grew up in lead painted cribs and we regularly snacked on peeling flakes of lead paint . Oh the memories..sigh....

The 70's was also a time when kids played outside. Now kids don't leave their homes for fear that a strolling band o' pedophiles snatches them up and uses them as a prop in a bizarre satanic ritual. When we played outside we never thought of using sunscreen - what the hell was that? Now parents are slathering their brood in SPF 600 and reapplying every 15 minutes for fear their children get assaulted by UV rays. And what are UV rays anyway? They sure were not around in the 70's

Children today stay tucked away in doors surfing the internet. Where it is much safer ......

And don't get me started on pesticides - hell we had stuff that would cause birth defects in every creature on the food chain and no one thought anything of it, but by golly it would clean your house and kill the weeds in your garden.

What changed? When did the overly protective parents find the time to get organized, between driving their kids to school,piano practice , soccer practice and organizing a bottle drive for the amazon rain forest.

I'm thinking if we don't come to our collective senses quickly, we'll all be living in hermetically sealed bubbles and living on a diet of processed food - because we all know that man made food is safer then anything nature ever could have come up with.