The Good News behind Childhood Obesity

People say that every cloud has a silver lining and the gray cloud of rising childhood obesity is no exception. How can an increase in number of obese children have any positive impact at all? Allow me to explain.

The spike in childhood obesity is due to the fact that kids today are much more sedentary than previous generations. Kids now play video games instead of road hockey, they spend their days "tweeting" and "Facebooking" instead of building tree forts and playing "Cowboys and Native American Casino Owners".

Of course this sedentary lifestyle means that our kids are packing on the pounds especially when you add in the high fat, high sugar snack foods they gorge on during their all night sessions of World of Warcraft.

So with all this going on where the hell is the silver lining?

Well you see it's quite simple really - Pedophiles don't like fat kids!

A controversial Vatican based research program studied the habits of pedophiles and found out that the vast majority of pedophiles do not find pudgy, portly, obese children attractive at all.

This ground breaking research study shows that pedophiles are not much different than ourselves - other than the fact they have sex with children - but pedophiles like a partner who takes care of themselves and hasn't gone to pot with love handles and beer bellies at the age of twelve.

What is today's parent supposed to do with this information? Should they continue to keep their children safe inside away from pedophiles and have them gorge on Cheetos knowing that childhood diabetes is not far away? Or should they throw out the X boxes and video games and force their children play outside at the mercy of the roving gangs of pedophiles?

Playing outside sounds crazy but kids used to do it years ago. My suggestion is to throw out the X Boxes and video games. To protect their children against pedophiles they can simply not have their children go anywhere near any of the following;
Priests, Sport Coaches, Cub Scout Leaders, Barbers, Butchers, Candlestick makers....

Oh yeah as a final safety measure any truly loving parent should buy their children a Glock 9. Nothing says "I Love you" like a handgun.

Hello there

I wanted to make a quick post to let everyone know that I am taking a bit of a break from blogging. Real Life has a tendancy of coming along and shaking you by the scruff of the neck. And that is exacetly what has happened at my end. Rest assured I will be back poking fun at the crazy world we live in. In the meantime take a look through the archives - there is gold in there.

- Dave

Justin Bieber fights the Forces of Evil

The PC Nazis have been the forces behind successful campaigns like putting Parental Advisory stickers on music CD's. Our world now is a much safer place as a result of those advisory stickers, well that and George Bush finding Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction - cough - cough

Hang on a minute. Advisory Stickers on CD's - that is what the PC Nazis have given us? CD's pshaw! Who still buys those old things? Everyone knows that gangstas with any street cred at all do not buy their CD's at yo' momma's Walmart. They will happily violate copyright laws as much as possible through the downloading of music via the Internet.

If you listen to the PC Nazis, they will tell you that the new soundtrack for street gangs is wholesome musical acts such as Justin Bieber and The Jonas Brothers as opposed to N.W.A. or Fiddy( 50)Cent. Yes those bland cookie cutter pop stars with their upbeat music and polished images, will help the dysfunctional and disinterested youth of today find purpose and repress their feelings of rage and inadequacy.

Incidentally my friends on the Police Force have not noticed any improvements in the relationship between the Police and the "gangbangers" since parental advisory stickers started appearing on CD's.

Police working in the Street Crime division for large cities like LA or NYC have started a pilot project where they play the music (?) of Justin Bieber through megaphones while they patrol the dangerous streets at night.

The results have been surprising to say the least as LAPD Officer Paul Chapman states "The other night my partner and I where patrolling the lower east side, a notoriously dangerous section of town, we had Bieber playing through a megaphone and I actually saw a group of street thugs stop stabbing a homeless person as we drove up. The hoodlums put down their knives and where gripped with "Bieber Fever". They sang and danced until our patrol car drove past them and the music faded away. I took a look in the rearview mirror and I could see the gangbangers stabbing the homeless person again. For one short glorious moment the music of Justin Bieber was able to vanquish the forces of evil and stop another senseless act of violence"

It would seem based on these results that Bieber Fever could be a powerful tool in the fight against evil. A tool that I am confident to say will soon be used by both law enforcement agencies, and several branches of the Military.

Never mind more Bunker Busters - we need Uncle Sam to pump some Justin Bieber into the caves of Afghanistan - Hey Osama - are you strong enough to resist Bieber Fever?

To Catch a Predator - the Vatican Edition

Every time we turn on the TV we are hearing about yet another pedophilic incident involving the Vatican and a violated altar boy. Well it's not going to be getting better any time soon for the old men in their Ivory Towers at the Vatican. Dateline NBC has released news that their vigilante reality show To Catch a Predator has just finished filming a special Vatican City edition.

To Catch a Predator is of course the Dateline NBC reality show where we see "respected members of society" caught in an undercover, underage, sex sting all live and in living color streamed to our living rooms. Television certainly has come a long way from the early days and "Leave it to Beaver" but I digress.

I've had the opportunity to see the Vatican Special and I for one found it quite enlightening.

It was mentioned several times in the show that the Holy Father had an "unholy" and unnatural attraction to former Calvin Klein underwear model Mark Wahlberg. This attraction seems to be more than just tabloid fodder when the NBC cameras focus on an autographed picture of the former model sitting on the bedside table.
It says:
Good God Holy Father you rocked!! - Mark W



I bet Jesus was rolling over in his grave when he say that photo....

The television crew certainly where busy during their stay at the Vatican. In the little time they spent trolling the seedy underbelly of Vatican City they where able to catch an Archbishop, 2 Cardinals and 14 Priests. They said it was like shooting fish in a barrel,or clubbing baby seals on an ice floe.

I did learn one interesting fact during the NBC Special. It seems that that US Department of Justice -the people responsible for the Witness Protection Program will be joining forces with the Vatican.

The Vatican has been so successful when it comes to hiding and relocating pedophile priests that the Department of Justice feels it can use the same practices and processes when it comes to protecting high level informants like Mickey “The Worm” Costelle and Osama Bin Laden

We certainly live in interesting times.....