Is that a Burrowing Owl in your bed?

Everywhere you look nowadays your eyes are assaulted by the advertising message of the current crop of environmental do gooders. Stop the seal hunt,Reduce Reuse Recycle,Save the Burrowing Owl - Save the Rainforest - Only you can save the planet! Bla Bla Bla -Baa Humbug I say to all of this.

Saving the planet sounds like an awful lot of work, and frankly I have other things to do at the moment. Do you really need my help? If you watch your local news there seems to be a veritable army of "Children of Yuppies" out there organizing bottle drives to save the rain-forest, or the Giant Panda.

If those little do gooders made more efficient use of their time and gave up little things like homework and chores, I'm positive that great progress could be made to save the planet. When the "Children of Yuppies" get organized you would not be forced rely on me - a cynical product of a consumer society - to save mankind.

I mean if I am to help save the world you would want me to give up my gas guzzling SUV and start driving a rickshaw. Um no thanks. My SUV is a symbol of my climb up the corporate ladder and my membership in the "Organization of Lemmings"

To be honest with you, my arteries are much too clogged with saturated fats for me to be able to walk up the stairs, let along operate a rickshaw. And another fact that the environmental crusaders neglect to tell you is that "Chicks" are not impressed with rickshaws.



I need to have all the trappings of excess if I am to have any success with females. Females are so impressed with shiny baubles - think De Beers Diamonds. I've spent too much time chasing that elusive cheese to have acquired any social graces, and I find that I am forced to compensate with an SUV, plasma TV, and butt lifts if I want to impress anyone.

So thank you very much, children of environmentally conscious parents - but I will neglect your offer to help save the planet. My SUV helps me get "lucky" and frankly us men are shallow like that. What good is a Burrowing Owl to you when you have fashion model in your bed?

Exactly - no further questions your honor.

Environmental Tips for the Every Man

Anyone out there with one of those boxes with the moving pictures on it, is familiar with Al Gore and his crusade against Global Warming through his movie "An Inconvenient Truth". He has been the poster boy for saving the world ever since that movie came out. I recently saw the Leonardo DiCaprio and Stephan Hawking movie called "The 11th Hour" It deals with the current global environmental mess we find ourselves in. I do recommend that everyone see the movie so you are informed of the situation. On the subject of the movie I thought I'd insert a comment on Stephan Hawking. The man is a genius to the nth degree but he sure as hell can't act. All his performances look wooden and lifeless. You mailed this one in Stephan. Get your money back from those acting classes.



Movies of the "An Inconvenient Truth" and "11th Hour" ilk always cause me to reflect on what I can do to stem the tide of an imminent disaster. The power of One and all that. I'm not going to sell my car, and boycott all plastic based products. But what changes can I make to my life that will help the world? It was that very question that prompted me to provide the following list of environmentally friendly tips for people who don't want to be inconvenienced.

1. Don't Cut your lawn - green grass will absorb some of the pollutants in the air. Not as much as the rain forest but every bit helps. Don't get envious of your neighbors well manicured lawn - know that in your heart you are the better person by doing your part to save the planet, and they will spend eternity screaming in the pits of hell.

2. Methane is a prime contributor to green house gases, so if you feel the urge to fart, pass gas, break wind whatever you may call it, may I suggest the following environmentally friendly option. Take a glass jar, place it on your buttocks and trap the offending gas in the container. Screw on the air tight cap. It is important that the jars are LABELED APPROPRIATELY and placed in a secure area. Sit back and relax. With this one small step, you are saving dangerous methane gas from escaping into the environment and also recycling glass jars

3. Biofuels - the latest buzz word in the field of energy. The energy from corn or algae can be used to power your house. So delay cleaning your aquarium, let the algae grow and flourish. In only a few weeks you'll be able to harvest the algae, and surf for porn with no carbon footprint.

4. Send your leftover meatloaf to Sudan. North Americans waste so much food, while others are eating dirt in order to survive. Now you can help your fellow man. Instead of scraping the leftovers into the trash - call up one of those "overnight guaranteed" shipping companies such as Fed Ex or UPS, and schedule overnight delivery of your meatloaf to Jafar in Sudan.

This method is also a good way of dealing with the fruit cake you are sure to get over the holidays. Fruit Cake by it's very construction can be sent by regular mail and is not necessary to spend extra postage for overnight delivery.