August 19, 2009

The Global recession and a rise in Amish crime.

Times are tough all over. This recession that is gripping the world has not shown any favoritism. In fact even the Amish have started to complain about how it is effecting their lifestyle.

One aspect of the Amish that people are familiar with is "Barn Raising". Barn Raising happens when a large mob of able bodied Amish men armed with hammers and chewing tobacco, gather at a neighbors farm. This group of motivated Amish can construct a barn in a single afternoon. Well a combination of the global recession and large industrial scale farming operations, have hit the rural farmer hard and put a serious crimp in the amount of barns needing to be raised by the Amish.



The Amish like Wall St fat cats, know the value of diversification and they have expanded their barn raising operation to also include, the construction of the strip malls and big box stores that you find in your neighborhood. The Amish have a huge competitive advantage over other companies as they generally shun money, and prefer to be paid in denim overalls and leaf tobacco.

Unfortunately the Amish youth have not all signed on to the opportunities represented by big box store construction. Sadly there are reports that some youths have fallen into a life of Amish street crime. Police have reported gangs of Amish youths roaming the rural roads in their modified horse and buggies, looking to pounce on their Amish neighbor returning from a quilting bee, or a wayward suburbanite who stumbled unwittingly into their lair.

Police where alerted to the threat of roaming Amish gangs when they started receiving a higher than normal amount of calls dealing with overturned butter churns.



The Police have expressed concern that the violence from the Amish gangs could escalate as Mexican migrant workers are venturing further into the back roads of Pennsylvania - the very center of the Amish stronghold. The recession makes it harder for everyone to find work and survive and it is only a matter of time before these two groups meet in an epic battle.

In one corner we have the people who make sensible furniture - and I don't mean IKEA, versus the people who make a tasty tortilla - and I don't mean Taco Bell. The battle when it comes will be legendary.

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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Overturned butter churns...(snort) Coffee out my nose!

Donnie said...

Amish gangs and Morman cults are a real growing problem. The Amish gangs want to begin watching American Idol and the Morman cults are drifting away from bicycles. Heathens!!

kathcom said...

This is scary, like that documentary on Rumspringa, where teens go to live among "the English"--and I don't mean the English.

I think a clash between the Mexicans and the Amish is inevitable. Someone who risks life and limb for the promise of America is going to be freaked out by people who don't even want to use electricity. They'll kill them out of fear, like they're zombies.

Speaking of which, can we get zombies in on this culture war. Then we could televise it and make a lot of money.

Unknown said...

really funny...overturned butter churns...lol