A tastier "Meat pocket" and a happier pet.

The Marketing of products or services is the one thing on earth, other than crack cocaine that we are powerless to resist.

Many times you will come out of a Madison Avenue induced trance to find yourself clutching a phone to your ear, confirming your shipping address, and buying complete sets of Pasta Pots just because it was a "limited time offer."

The marketing people have lots of fancy charts and graphs that tell them what we like to eat,drink and excrete. Well these devious minds have hit the proverbial home run when it comes to the marketing of pet foods.

Take a stroll through the pet food aisle at your local grocery store and you will see what I mean. There is a veritable smorgasbord of delicacies that have been constructed, if you believe what the commercials tell us, to allow your precious Fido or Snowflake to have a culinary experience the likes of which could not be found outside of the finest French restaurants.

"New Meat Pockets","Made with real Kobe beef", "Reduce tarter", "Improve your pet's breath". The messages on the colorful packages of pet food assault our eyeballs until we find ourselves submitting to their message, and dragging a 50lb bag of Organic - pre chewed, pre seasoned, gastronomic orgasm inducing Dog Kibble to the checkout.

I'm not sure how many of you reading this are pet owners, but for those who are not let me explain a simple fact about pets and their eating preferences - they are not picky eaters.

Let me present exhibit A:



A dead varmint that has been "seasoning" under the porch for 3 weeks or the latest concoction from the pet food conglomerate? When given the choice, pets will take whatever is covered in dirt and/or hair. They also seem to prefer anything that smells like the bathroom after Uncle Larry visits.

The one phrase that seems to be emblazoned on all the pet food is- "Now with a new improved taste!" I ask you this - are we relying on the educated palate of your tom cat to verify this claim?

We need to conduct a taste test - similar to the Pepsi Challenge only using pet food with the "Original Meaty Chunks" and the "New Improved Meatier Chunks" recipe. Give out samples at your next dinner party and ask your friends to choose whether the new product is indeed tastier then the original.

Pets have limited ability to reason, so do the right thing for them and their health. Sample the pet food options yourself and choose an item that you feel your little Mitzy will truly appreciate. Don't rely on the Madison Avenue fat cats to tell you what your pet likes to eat. Who knows your pet better than you do? that's right - no one!

The Migratory Patterns of Canadians

If you look at the calendar you would see that Summer has officially arrived. I live in Canada and Summer is a traditionally busy time of year for everyone up here. Our igloos have all melted forcing us to become a nomadic people scrounging for food and shelter.

This time of year in Canada is known as "Canadian Seasonal Forced Colonization". Even just a few dozen years ago the seasonal nomadic activities of all Canadians was a time of heightened dangers. With our family homes having disintegrated under the rays of the summer sun we where well and truly exposed to the elements. Polar Bears roamed the lands feeding on sick and elderly Canadians, while packs of Christian Missionaries converted all of those who could not out run the bible thumping "do gooders".

If you where able to elude the bears and evangelists, most Canadians headed to US - Canada border where huge tent cities would seemingly appear overnight. People would cluster near the border in the hopes of pulling a wayward wifi,or television signal out of the air. With the new Digital Television requirements in the US, this has forced many of the Canadian tent cities to rely on books and newspapers - shudder - for their information.



Access to the Internet is a much sought after commodity during the migratory period of Canadians. Every year a black market springs up with people paying outlandish prices for the privilege to update their Facebook status. There is a rumor circulating in the tent city where I am,that Angelina Jolie Pitt traded a wireless network card for somebodies 4 year old.

I for one am grateful that this period of forced migration is simply temporary. In a few weeks when the temperature begins to drop again,me and my fellow Canadians will pack up our meager belongings, fight off the bands of bears and missionaries, and make our way back to our traditional hunting grounds. There is a lot of competition in regards to getting the most desirable spot for your igloo. I think I will start my trip back sooner than the rest of the camp. I have my eyes on a prime piece of real estate - it is right between the Starbucks and The Beer Store.

Mustache Mania - the hot fashion trend sweeping the nation

Well the other day I was shopping in the ultra chic boutique called Dollarama. This chain of boutiques specialize in many fine items ranging from pot scrubbers to plastic figurines of the Virgin Mary. The current demographic seems to be people trying to write humor blogs, and heroin addicts looking for the methadone clinic.

As my eyes scanned the cluttered shelves I was excited to see an item that was guaranteed to make an impact with the global celebutants - "Mustache Mania" it was called. It's unassuming package design does not show consumers the vast potential that they now hold in their hands.



When you purchase "Mustache Mania" you get more than an assortment of left over hair plugs and some industrial adhesive. You get the ability to change into people such as "The Weasel" "The Bruiser" and "The Hollywood". These mustaches give the wearer the ability to experience life as if they where an "A" list celebrity.

If you do happen to be an "A" list celebrity reading this, I am willing to consider reasonable offers for my upcoming screen play entitled - "Mustache Mania - The story of a boy,a mustache and a dream"

I could not believe my good fortune in finding such a hot item of haute couture. It was less than an dollar and it is also a choking hazard! - What more can anyone ask for?

I nonchalantly grabbed all the "Mustache Mania" packages that the store had in stock and with my arms now fully loaded I made my way to the cash register.

It was only after the clerk put the last of my "Mustache Mania" packages in the bag that I let a smile cross my lips. I felt like someone who just found a Picasso at a yard sale.

I'll be modeling the mustaches supplied to see if they give me access to the inner power circles in Hollywood. Stay tuned sports fans.

"The Sheriff" out.....