There have been rumblings from the octogenarians in the Ivory towers at the Vatican, that attendance at mass has been dropping. They need to increase the numbers of people coming through the turnstile. Well I'm happy to report that one of the Vatican's own Swiss Guards was able to smuggle out a rough draft of ideas that the Pope himself scrawled on some papal stationary.
1. Bidding for the part of the "host" or "Body of Christ" will be made available to companies such as Oreo or Jelly Belly. (Using candy to lure children is a tactic that pedophiles have used for years and now we see the Church using the same approach. Do you suppose there are pedophiles in the Vatican? Heavens no!)
2. Product placement will be used at mass. The can of Coke on the altar or the package of Marlboro's that the Pope smokes will provide an air of familiarity to the church goers and hopefully help in removing the air of "stuffiness" that has plagued the Church for years.
3.Choir members will be female only, and their wardrobe will be designed by the team that brought you Coyote Ugly. Sex Sells.
4. The Pope will now be seen at all major celebrity affairs such as movie premieres or the Grammy Awards. Be seen by the people
5. Start a 1-900 prayer line. Reach out and heal the people for $1.99 a minute.
6. Get "caught" by paparazzi in a compromising position with an "A" list female celebrity . Bad publicity is good publicity.
7. Release a CD of the Pope singing the classics. Be sure to include a duet with Mother Theresa.
8. Provide the voice for an animated character in the upcoming Pixar film
Brace yourself people - His holiness will be exploding onto all the major media near you.
5 comments:
I love this blasphemous blog - catchy alliterative title. I personally am looking forward to the duet with Mother Theresa; get out the Ouiji board!
Thanks Janet - I figure through the magic of technology that the pontiff can "hook up" with Mother Theresa in the same way that was used by Natalie Cole for her Duet with Nat King Cole
"Choir members will be female only,.."
Excllent ideas Dave, except there should be a holy rule that said females can't be over 80 years old and/or have a body mass index of over 250.
(Otherwise it kind of destroys the affect.)
or is that *effect*? Shit ..
Anyway your pic might be a good qualifier.
Having read the list, my first thought was, "I don't doubt it."
Kevin - you are right about have a note about potential choir members BMI - remember this is just a rough draft that came out of the Vatican - I'm sure that those antiquated men in the Vatican will rectify this.
Purple - just remember where you heard it first when the Vatican's new rules hit the press
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