Swine Flu and my visit to the vet

I woke up yesterday morning with a burning fever,runny nose and sore throat. I tried to take a quick audit of my activities over the past 24 hours. Was I simply suffering from another bout of self inflicted "over indulgence" or rather something more exotic?

I did not see the tell tale signs of over indulgence when I glanced around my living room. No empty boxes of wine, no cigarette burns on the rug, no dirty syringes left lying around, and the cat was not cowering under the couch in fear. Based on the preliminary evidence my dear Dr.Watson, I'd say I may be suffering from something more exotic.

I put my symptoms into Google and waited to see what came back. Hmm this was interesting - based on my search results I may have the Mexican Swine flu. I find this unlikely as I do not even know any Mexicans. Swine , yes I know a few but that was a long time ago in high school. Google says it could be part of a pandemic - that sounds serious.

Not wanting to be ostracized any further by society I decided to give my doctor a call.

After telling my doctors obnoxiously happy receptionist about my symptoms, she immediately cleared his afternoon so I could come in.

When I reached my doctors office I was ushered into a very sterile room and poked, prodded and probed by a huge army of people covered in Haz mat suits. After the round of testing was complete, I was locked in a room and waited for my test results to come back from the lab.

There was some confusion when my test results came back. My doctor has a small family practice, so he was not up to snuff on the latest exotic diseases. He found it necessary to call in professional help to interpret my test results. The only person that was available to assist my doctor on such short notice was my vet Dr. Gooyduck.

The two doctors, well one doctor and one vet if you want to get specific, hummed and hawwed about my test results. There seemed to be some confusion about what exactly may be effecting me. Possible diagnosis where being tossed around at a fast and furious pace.

"Look at his bow legs - it's rickets or scurvy I tell you" my doctor exclaimed

"Nonsense - look at the crazed look in the patients eyes - he has feline distemper" Dr Gooyduck responded.

"Rickets!"
"Feline Distemper!"
"Rickets!"
"Swine Flu!"

I was worried that this would go on all afternoon but the two learned men decided to settle my fate with a best two out of three contest of rock,paper,scissors. A brief time out was called so the two men could concoct their strategies, and then the games began.

The rocks,paper,and scissors flew at a frantic pace, spittle flew from the two men's lips and their eyes bulged dangerously from their sockets when they played the game.

When the dust settled and a victor was declared, I was finally able to make an appointment for my treatment.

Next Thursday I have an appointment with Dr Gooyduck for my shots, and a deworming. My wife tried to convince Dr Gooyduck to have me neutered as well, but thankfully he thought better of it.

The Mullet that killed North America

Ladies and Gentlemen today’s post is about the “Mullet” That’s right the bastard red headed stepchild of high end hair salons everywhere.

The other day at work I heard a colleague use the phrase “… and he preened his mullet every day” The topic of conversation is not important, rather the use of the phrase “preened his mullet” I thought that if you had a mullet you did not “preen”. ”Preening” and “mullets” where words that did not go together, an oxymoron like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence. For the record I do not work at an auto wreckers or slaughterhouse where mullets may be the favored hair style(?), but rather in a professional environment populated by people slaving away in cubicles and paid with crusts of bread.




Mullets are the hair style favored by both possum hunters and NASCAR fans throughout North America. How did this hair style gain favor with this specific demographic? Will the mullet every gain favor with the fashionistas? These are but a few of the questions rattling around in my brain.

Maybe you favor the mullet because of your family bloodline – similar to how royalty works. You get born into "Mulletdom". If your pappy had a mullet, then gosh darn it so will you. This approach is favored in rural areas where families tend to breed together for several generations.

The urban or suburbanite mullet is rarely seen as people who reside in urban areas frequent high end salons and subscribe to manicures, pedicures and getting their teeth bleached in an effort to blend in. (High end salons as a matter of policy will refuse any customer if they request a mullet.) The Urban Mullet only makes an appearance during Halloween or “Joe Dirt” themed dinner parties at select estates in the Hamptons.




With the growth of urban areas and the subsequent decline in rural areas or “Hillbilly breeding territory” it’s possible that the members of the mullet wearing fraternity may be forced to shut down their trap lines and relocate to urban centers.

A large influx of mullets into our urban centers may be all that is needed to push this hairstyle into the realm of respectability. The mullet sporting residents of our cities will be preyed upon by advertisers eager for new customers. New products that appeal to the specific mullet demographic will be developed. Ads for products such as a cologne that smells like bug spray, or lingerie made from recycled Nascar tires will be plastered all over our television sets.

It is at that moment we can confidently say the decline of North American civilization has begun.

A "Socially acceptable Mullet" - now THAT is an oxymoron.

Another Cougar sighting in Hollywood

Celebrities with over inflated opinions of themselves and bulging wallets, have started the trend of adopting children from impoverished nations such as Malawi. This trend started as an obscene Hollywood version of “Keeping up with the Pitt- Jolie’s” but has morphed into an attempt to gain favor with a cynical and unemployed public.

Hollywood spin doctors can be seen regularly on shows such as Entertainment Tonight, spouting off about the new land of opportunity that has been made available to 3rd world refugee children. Before these children thought that appearing in a World Vision commercial - was their only ticket out of their current reality of despair and hunger, but now they can roll the dice and hope for an approving glance from a shopping celebrity.

One minute a malnourished third world child can be hunting for grubs to bring back to their family, and then with a swipe of a platinum Visa card, they are whisked away from their family and loved ones to live a new life under the constant barrage of the paparazzi’s cameras.

To quote Bob Dylan – “The Times they are a changing”. The authorities in Malawi have refused Madonna in her quest for a refugee child. Seems that her money is no good there. This refusal by impoverished nations to jump at the beck and call of the Uber Rich Celebutantes have made the rich and famous scramble for an alternative to adopting 3rd world children.

After several meetings with members of the WWF - the wildlife organization not the wrestling cartel - an agreement has been made that will now allow the uber rich to adopt and parade in public, endangered animal species. The bidding wars for the the cute and cuddly endangered animals, the animals that are guaranteed to win over the public's hearts, is expected to be hot and heavy. Wanna be celebrities will be forced to settle for less desirable animals such as the African Wild Ass or the Dwarf Hutia(picture below)



This new practice of endangered animal adoption by celebrities, gives the celebrities a chance to reflect some of their personality through their choice of adopted animal. "It will give us a better chance to get to know our favorite celebrity." If you listen to the Hollywood spin doctors.

Photos from an upcoming article about the latest celebrity craze is included below.



The more things change.......

Jesus and the Chocolate Eggs

I was having coffee with Jesus the other day at a local cafe - I'm sure you've heard of Jesus , he's the guy whose claim to fame is being the son of God and being able to change water into wine. The whole "son of God thing" can be a bit of a curse Jesus explained to me as he sipped at his non fat soy latte- he in fact compared being the son of God to Paris Hilton being born into the family of Hotel royalty. "You enter into a life of entitlement and open doors because of your family tree. At no time are you given the opportunity to encounter anything remotely "unpleasant". That is why this whole crucifixion episode hurt so much" - Jesus explained wiping a tear from his eye with the corner of his sleeve.

Jesus was a little distressed at how we are celebrating his death and subsequent resurrection during the "Easter" season. He was going on at one point about how he spent 3 days in a dark , dank and musty tomb and how he developed a severe case of both claustrophobia and foot rot. At no time when he was in the tomb did he encounter any rabbits,chocolate eggs or "door crasher specials". He emphasized this point by pounding on the table, which caused his latte to splash onto his robe.

At this point in the conversation an old lady nervously approached our table and gazed upon Jesus. I had seen that look before when I took my daughter to the Jonas Brothers concert last month. This was look of a hard core Jesus fan.

Jesus stopped in mid sentence and turned to the old lady - she seemed to glow when his eyes turned to her. She said nothing but thrust a Sharpie and a notepad at him.

"And to whom shall I make it out to?" Jesus said

The poor old lady was barely able to get out a response "Marilyn" she squeaked.

"To Marilyn - Peace be with you signed JC" - Jesus scrawled on the notepad. He put the cover on the Sharpie and handed them both back to the woman.

She grabbed the notepad and pen and clutched them to her breast - her eyes burning with a renewed religious fervor - "Bless you, oh bless you " she muttered as she turned and walked back into the city.

"You'll probably find that on EBay within the hour" Jesus said shaking his head sadly.

Wiping the latte froth from his mouth the son of God started to talk again about Easter.

"It was by far the toughest part of my life bar none. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies. The whole resurrection bit caused me back problems that plagued me for years after. Lift with your legs not your back - if I knew that when I tried to roll that stone away from the entrance to the tomb, I'd have never developed my addiction to over the counter pain medication"

The conversation was suddenly interrupted with a heavenly chorus of angels.

Jesus reached into his robes and pulled out his Blackberry - pushing a button on the Blackberry the choir of angels stopped. The son of God glanced down at the screen;

"Excuse me I have to get this it's God calling" he said "he wants me to get some of those Chocolate eggs while I'm here. The old man likes those eggs and they only come out once a year. That's really the only reason why I make the trip back to earth in the first place."

With that Jesus drained his latte, shook my hand and wished me well.He promised he would stay in touch. Getting up from the table he strode out of the cafe on his quest for Chocolate Eggs, a man with a purpose.

Amen

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me.... I'm sure you know the rest by now - you sing along I'll wait for you......

Ok, I'm happy to announce that in April "Out of the Mouth of Dave" turned one.
I'm very emotional right now my eyes are welling up with tears. My baby one year old - sigh. Who would have thought that an evening of hot and sweaty quality time with a computer would have conceived such a miscreant member of blogger society? I'm so proud.

I guess this is the part in the speech where I thank all of those that helped me on my way up, so with no further ado let me thank - my fellow man. that's right if your reading this pat yourself on the back. Mankind has provided tons of "blogging fodder" with our steady stream of ridiculousness - Let me present Exhibit A - Paris Hilton, Exhibit B - Soccer Moms - Exhibit C Reality TV, a bloody glove and a partridge in a pear tree. Wheee got caught up in the excitement of the moment.

I think a birthday is a great opportunity to dredge out some humor nuggets from the archives pre 2009 for you to enjoy.

Beaten to Death with a Blunt Instrument

The Ultimate in Home Security

Good News About Flesh Eating Disease

The Good Old Witch Hunt

Transplant or Take out

Home Invasion Etiquette

Hope you enjoy the romp down memory lane in these posts. Once again I would like to thank all the people who have decided to stop in and see exactly what is coming out of my mouth. My therapist thinks it's an important step in my recovery.

Hot Celebrity Fashion Accesory

I was looking through a magazine that specializes in high priced items favored by celebrities and Hollywood's elite when I came upon the following ad.



I found myself racing for the phone to place my order before I realized that I did not even like Madonna's music so I would have no use for the free CD that was being offered in the sale.

If you are one of those "Keeping up with the Joneses" type of people you may want to look into this - be the first on your block to have the hottest celebrity fashion accessory - and Madonna's newest CD