There is a very good possibility that millions of children all over the world, will experience the worst Christmas ever in just a few short days.
Why is a "sub standard" Christmas expected? The disastrous state of the economy is undoubtedly a factor effecting Christmas, but it is not to blame this time. The real scrooge for this Christmas is the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) The wet blankets whose sole purpose is to ban specific items from International air travel for the safety of mankind. Santa with his Reindeer powered sled, crosses international borders and is effected by these restrictions.
The following is a list from the TSA that outlines for us, and Santa, what can not be carried on the airplane or sled in Santa's case.
Sporting Goods - bats, lacrosse sticks, hockey sticks, and surprisingly Spear Guns - who knew?
Taser Guns
Knives - of any shape and size. Box Cutters are a definite "no no"
Fruit Cake - who knew that Al Qaeda would use this traditional desert as a weapon of mass destruction. There are those of you who have tried fruit cake and understand how dangerous it can be in the wrong hands.
Firearms - banned - huh?
Replica Firearms - thanks to the TSA little Johnny will not feel the excitement of opening his replica AK- 47 on Christmas morning, and being able to play "Federal Agents and the No Good Terrorist Dogs" - a modern twist on the cops and robbers, or cowboys and Indians story. Those tears that Johnny is crying are for you Mr TSA man.
Santa will also not be able to transport any gases, poisons, or radio active material. Looks like someone is not getting a dirty bomb this Christmas.
The list of items that are banned by the TSA is long and gets longer every day. As a public service I will now provide a list of items that can be transported via airplane or reindeer powered sled.
I know that by reading this list you will ruin your surprise on Christmas morning but it is my job as a public figure to educate the people.
Items approved by the TSA for Christmas gift giving:
Diapers
KY Jelly
Sunglasses
Tampons
Diabetes kit
Air Line tickets
I really wish I could have made some of this up but alas I fear it is the truth.
We can only hope the cocaine that Santa is carrying, is not found in the cavity search. We all need something to look forward to at Christmas.
5 comments:
Personally, I prefer to get my drugs from Wal-mart.
Or is the 'wall' next to the 'mart'?
I forget.
Merry Christmas anyway.
Oh cavity searches will be so much easier once they get the machines that will x ray the entire body. Poor old Santa will have NOTHING to hide then.
Added to the list was mistletoe as it is hemi-parasitic. How will people kiss this year?
Kevin - I have found that the quality of the drugs one can find at the wall next to the mart are horribly inconsistent - look into buying your drugs online from a Canadian distributor
Ettarose - Cavity searches will make that jolly old man shake like a bowl full of jelly
Janet - even with the good ol' stand by Mistletoe not being available this holiday season - I have faith that the abundance of spiked eggnog and holiday cheer available at this time of year, will provide lots of opportunities to get kissed by some drunk and disorderly party goer
Not much left!
Oh well.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
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