Walking through the malls at this time of year you are guaranteed to inhale a snootful of a perfume -that should be called "Essence of Mustard Gas". A scent that causes you to get blurred vision and shortness of breath. The culprit always seems to be a senior citizen who is tottering along, seemingly unaware of the scented trail of death and destruction that they are weaving.
Why do they feel the inclination to douse themselves with such a pungent bouquet? How can they carry on their business without their eyes streaming with tears as a result of the fumes they are emitting? These old ladies also seem to travel in packs, or is it a gaggle? can't remember now, but there are always more than one of them. Making them a force to be reckoned with.
Is it possible that they are trying to relive their glory days seen after the liberation of France in the World War Two? Maybe they think that any able bodied man who catches a whiff of their scent will move heaven and earth to get to them and shower them with affection. 
Ladies, World War Two was a different time. Your "Memories of Dunkirk" perfume may have caused the men to come running to you in 1945, but now you will see the men run away in droves, clutching their throats and gasping for air.
If the old biddies are not trying to relive their Glory Days - then the only rational explanation I can find for immersing oneself in such a foul odor, is to get some space when shopping. If you cover yourself in the most noxious scent known to man,you will be guaranteed that no one will come within 15 feet of you and your shopping.
During the busy Holiday season this is a big advantage when it comes to finding a bargain. No more fighting for aisle space, you can shop in a state of peace and tranquility. Of course shop clerks will draw straws to see who has to help you, and your canary will keel dead over when you get home. But for the afternoon you will be free to shop, leaving nothing but credit card receipts, and teary eyed holiday shoppers in your wake.
Hmm maybe they are on to something?
16 comments:
One must not omit the men here! That Old Spice in high doses can clear an entire Wal Mart (not that I would ever go there).
The only thing you missed here was the historical reasoning behind perfume - I believe it relates to the lack of a proper bath.
This shouldn't be too big a problem this year - no one has any money to shop with anyway.
Oh man, can I relate. My grandmother used to wear this really "fragrant", sweet smelling lilac, I think, perfume. Lots of it too! It used to gag everyone within earshot except her. Even my grandad would come over at night to eat and leave her home if she was wearing that stuff. I still can smell it and she's been dead 30 years!
Janet, - yeah you are correct not to forget the men , they have been known to abuse the olfactory senses of shoppers as well - if people are not shopping this year I pray to whatever God's are out there that they continue to bathe
Don, - dead for 30 years and still the scent lingers - that has some serious staying power. That perfume may work well as a paint stripper
Dave...
Well, now I just have to smell it for real! I don't remember that one from my days as a perfume spayer at Neiman's. I do have one called Cinnabar still thrashing about my limbic region. By the way, if there is a perfume that causes kisses like the one in that pic, send me a case. That's one of my all time favorite images.
Eve
The fact is that they get used to the smell. It numbs the olfactory glands so they keep splashing it on because they have lost the sense of smell. The worst thing is the huggers that are wearing "Pepe La Pew #5" and you smell it the reat of the day.
They need to stop having those women lurking at department store escalators with atomizers and too much time on their hands.
Got ya Stumbled and humbled :)
Eve - the item that causes kisses like the one in the picture, I don't believe was perfume at all, but something called "Whiskey"
Ettarose - those huggers wearing Pepe La Pew #5 are yet another reason to carry a taser
Lidian - the taser can also be utilized on those women with atomizers. that should teach them a lesson...
Don - thanks for the stumble
This seriously made me crack up on a day I needed...er, cracking up!
Holy cow. And these are the same ladies you get stuck behind for hours in line as they sift through their little change purses.
Awesome post, Dave!
This is a fantastic idea for me to clear away the crowds when I do my Christmas shopping. Thanks for the tip!
(totally stumbling this!)
Kiki - don't get me started on those ladies and their coin purses - exact bloody change ARGH!!!
Nanny Goat - you can use the tip just, let me know when and where you will be shopping so I can be prepared
If someone sprays perfume on me I fart on them.
It's only fair.
Maybe the store I work at should consider stocking up on this stuff for the holiday season. We need something to clear out the crowds.
Mike - one man's fart is another man's cologne
One Hypo - this perfume is a much more friendly alternative for crowd control options at your store, rather than rubber bullets and water cannons.
Love your perfume & your post too, Perfumania also have it's wonderful collection of perfumes.
As someone who actually lives near a Dunkirk (an American city in New York named after the one in France), I can say, there are times in the right places that it's appropriate. But it's nothing like Cheyenne when the wind is right and the refineries are going hot and heavy!
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