Satan - where are you ????

Inspired by the recent posting on I'm Sure I don't know which deals with the images of Jesus that are appearing in public . Jesus as a Cheeto, Jesus as a grilled cheese etc. well it got me to thinking - were is Satan , Jesus' arch nemesis in all of this?

I'm quite sure that if Jesus is appearing in someone's lunch and that makes the local news - this is sure to piss off Satan and he wont take it lying down. Why then have no stories of the images of Satan that some Mexican grandmother found in her tortilla made the press? Are those stories being suppressed by the Vatican?

Does the fact that Satan has not been seen in a Cheeto, or potato chip or even as a stain on the wall , give credence to the appearance of Jesus in popular culture? Could we in fact be witnessing a miracle? The miracle of Jesus in the Melted Cheese.

I thought I saw Satan at Humor Blogs.com but it turned out to be the janitor.

It's Back to School Time...

Well it's the time of year when the kids get ready to go back to school and their parents descend en mass like locusts, to pilfer and pillage the shelves of the local Walmart leaving nothing but expired meat and a book of Koren crossword puzzles for the latecomers.

There probably was more in stock after Katrina hit, then after a round of back to school shoppers. What the hell is all the fuss about? School has been starting up in September for generations. Now at the expense of sounding like a grizzled veteran of the Korean war - in my day, back to school meant getting a binder, paper and pens that is it. It was not necessary to get a lap top, printer, blackberry or even a calculator. Yessum we did our 'rhithmetic in our heads. Least until high school then it just got confusing for me...

You can't tell me that kids today are that much smarter then we where. Take a look at your neighbors kids - do they seem to be mentally gifted? Are they constructing a fusion reactor in their backyard? They're not? Oh I see they're inside on the internet. Don't try to tell me that they are studying either - they are surfing porn. Somethings never change.

Kids they are the future -- AHHHH - with a diet of porn and reality TV through their formative years we're doomed when they get into a position of power.

Are you frightened now? I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they make me a little uneasy.

Questions about the hiring of child labor

So imagine if you would, that you are the hiring manager for the GAP or NIKE, some large conglomerate who's fortune was made on the backs of child labor - you have to hire 200 people as there is a new Michael Jordan sneaker going into production. What are the hiring requirements?

Do the 5 year olds have to have previous experience in a child labor factory? Would a former member of the Chinese Gymnastics team qualify? Do they even have daycare in a child labor camp? or is daycare simply seen as another production line?

So you have hired your 5 year olds for the production floor - assuming that they do not have any previous experience you would have to teach them the ropes on some "sub standard products" I think that is where the plethora of dollar stores get all their products - and we the cost conscience consumers can benefit from their nimble little fingers. And for the grizzled old veterans in the child labor camp - the ones who have seniority and get the plum assignments - what exactly are the plum assignments in a child labor factory? I'm guessing researching play value on the Fisher Price products would be a good gig.

The have 6 year old interns at Humor Blogs.com

Must be accompanied by an adult to this blog.

So I fell to peer pressure and decided to see what my blog was rated - PG, AA, NC 17 etc.
Go here to get your own blog rated but I digress...

A second after I clicked the button I was presented with my R rating . Apparently this rating is based on the fact I used the word Death 15 X's, Bomb 4 X's , Hell 2X's and Murder 1X in my blog. I had no idea.....

The very fact that I mentioned a diaper wearing Hitler, Osma Bin Laden and the Terrorist Olympics, Public Sodomy and Flesh Eating Disease amongst other "offensive" items never even made the radar on their rating system.

That my friends makes me LOL

Oh yeah Humor Blogs.com they make me LOL too...

Good News about Flesh Eating Disease

Flesh eating disease - the term itself sends a shudder down our collective spines as we imagine microscopic creepie crawlies snacking on our innards until we finally expire in a dried out husk of our former selves. I think there is the potential for big money in flesh eating disease - think Hollywood starlets that are obsessed about their weight.

With some federal grant money into the cosmetic application of flesh eating disease or necrotizing fasciitis - for those of you who care about those things - we have the new celebrity weight loss program. There will have to be an intense marketing campaign done to educate people into the positive aspects of Necrotizing Fasciitis - but if people now are lining up for botox injections there is hope for flesh eating disease as a weight loss application.

Hell, Botox paralyzes your face - and you look like Joan Rivers but - here's the spin folks - it reduces wrinkles and makes you look years younger. What busy mom on the go would not want that? Now that same marketing approach and a few high profile celebrities behind the flesh eating disease craze, and it won't be long before people are lining up to have some microscopic creepy crawlies eat away at their innards just so they can fit into their bikini. I just want to lose a few pounds that's all

What would make a good catch phrase for the new weight loss craze soon to sweep the nation?

Flesh Eating Disease - gets you "World Vision" thin in one simple application.

Are you envious of the Ethiopians who can fit into their bikinis? - well be envious no more - Necrotizing Fasciitis - drop the pounds and get on the beach!

Make the Olsen twins look fat - with Necrotizing Fasciitis now in new cheeseburger flavor.

What would you suggest for a catchphrase - I'm on humor blogs .com and they are could stand to lose a few pounds.....

Mary Kate is that you???

Terrorist Olympics

With the global media collectively wetting themselves over the Olympics in Beijing, our poor friends the terrorists are having a hard time getting any press in the papers at all, especially with Michael Phelps and his current exploits.

I suppose one way for terrorists to get back in the news, and do something to restore their tarnished public image, is to host an athletic competition of their own. All the big organizations could submit a team , al Qa'ida, Hizbolah, A Random Group of Iraqi Jihadists, Amway salespeople etc. They could get together in the spirit of competition and togetherness.

I'm wondering what the events would be like at the Terrorist Olympics?

The Molotov Cocktail Throw is a big fan favorite - just be sure not to sit in the first few rows of seats.

Bomb Making - self explanatory - extra marks given for the effective utilization of livestock in the construction

Bomb Smuggling through an obstacle course of underpaid security interns and a radioactive x ray machine

Public Execution - fastest team to successfully kidnap a bystander, saw their head off and get a completed video on you tube. Extra marks are given for the most effective musical score and overall team synchronization.

Flying Events - no explanation needed

What other events do you think would be there? And who would be the official corporate sponsor of those games? I'm thinking it would be either a credit card company or a law firm. I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they are not currently a sponsor.

Hitler wearing adult diapers, directing traffic.....

I've often wondered what it would be like to watch your dreams the next morning on TiVo or a VCR. When we are dreaming everything seems normal, and there is no reason to be concerned about the image of Hitler wearing adult diapers, directing traffic while dressed as a police officer. But when we view this scene the next morning we may be a tad concerned about what lies deep in our subconscious.

It would be interesting to have the luxury to rewind and replay some of your dreams so you can truly revel in them - of course re watching those sex dreams may be best left to a time when your spouse or significant other is out of town. No need to let everyone know about the repressed sexual urges you have towards Mrs Johnson, little Billy's geography teacher.

The future is near where you will be able to slap some electrodes on your head before you fall asleep and have all your dreams recorded. The only real problem I see is if the dreams get used against you in a court of law. Would a jury of my peers - sexually deprived geography teacher enthusiasts - find me guilty of my actions? Or would they see the dreams for the bunch of random goobledee gook that parades through my head every night to the soundtrack of my choosing?

Would you re-watch your dreams? and would you let your spouse watch them with you ?

Would you also go to Humor Blogs.comand vote for me? Thanks

The Ultimate in Home Security

I have the solution to the rash of break ins and home invasion robberies that seems to plague our society these days. The best part about it is it is absolutely FREE! That is right, you don't have to pay a thin dime to get it and if you order in the next ten minutes we'll double your order - Oops got carried away there for a moment and was channeling the Home Shopping Network.

You are probably intrigued as to the origin into this fantastic break through in home security. Well let me provide this graphic as a means of cutting through the confusion.



That is right ladies and gentlemen - the greatest security feature out there is a woman with PMS. Now ladies I know you realize that you can be "less then pleasant" during these times, but this is your opportunity to let your family sleep soundly knowing that they are protected by your uncontrollable bouts of violence and hysteria. What Glock toting , underwear showing , pants hanging down to their knees bad ass is going to target this house? That is right none!

I also believe that in the event you do have to use your bouts of uncontrollable violence and hysteria for the good of your family - no judge or jury would convict you - they most likely will give medals to your family and an ankle bracelet for you.

Of course this leads me into thinking about the benefits of having women in the military. I'm quite certain that a small handful of women - laden down with chocolate and AK - 47's could have taken Iraq in a matter of days and crushed any sign of resistance.

Ladies use your powers for good - not evil and provide the round the clock security that your family deserves.

I'm on Humor Blogs.com They have chocolate there....

(graphic courtesy of Dave's Place)

US Military Intelligence ?????

The guy who is in charge of intelligence gathering for the US Government has a pretty secure job. I mean hey it does not matter if you screw up - take a look at the latest Iran debacle.

For months/years we have been hearing how Iran will have the bomb and it is up to George Bush and everyone who loves America, to bomb the bejesus out of Iran before they attack us. This nuclear attack from Iran seemed immenient - we had to strike first. Hold the phone Martha- Seems that the information that was used to determine if Iran was a threat or not, may not have been accurate.

May Not Have been Accurate????! Would someone not think that if you have the possibility of leading your country into another war that you would have researched all possible angles? Guess not. So if you're keeping score at home we have - 1 currently active war based on bad information ( i.e hidden weapon caches of all sorts of nasty things ) 1 currently active war based primarily on finding Osma Bin Laden ( wanted dead or alive - to quote George W) and one very possible war based on excessive saber rattling and bad info with Iran

Talk about job security -
Conversation between head of US Intelligence and the President probably goes something like this...

Sorry George it seems Saddam did not have any WMD, and it looks like Iran is clean too, we can't find Osma - we've looked everywhere - currently we are scanning the employment roster of 7-11 for possible suspects

No worries - keep up the good work - we'll find/fabricate something - there's big money in war don't you know


Does anyone else find this concerning? If these decisions where coming from a third world country , whose army consists of shepherds with pointy sticks , that would be one thing. But this is coming from the lone superpower in the world. Now are you concerned????

Have to go buy a shovel so I can start digging my bomb shelter in the backyard. I'm on Humor Blogs.com Vote for me for world peace.

Yeah Kids It's Death Penalty Day

Where I live in Canada we have a bogged down and truly inefficient justice system, a fact that I am sure is reflected in other regions on the globe. The main reason why nothing every gets done is that the court system is bogged down with people fighting their seatbelt fines , or pleading insanity to that jaywalking charge. All these frivolous cases tie up the court resources and grinds the wheels of justice to a halt. I think I have a solution to our problem - Death Penalty Day. Allow me to explain;

Death Penalty Day would be a day where regardless of what case you are currently arguing about in court, be it the aforementioned jaywalking charge or 1st degree murder - (beaten to death with blunt instrument anyone?) the automatic sentence would be death. No trial , no witnesses, just read the case for the record, and ship the accused to the gallows. Do not pass go, do not collect cable tv and 3 square meals a day....

It would not take too many of these days for people to re consider fighting that speeding ticket and just paying the fine. Is $50 that important to you when you know you could possibly die by fighting it in court? Of course with the big backlog in cases right now we may need to have multiple "Death Penalty Days" to clear the log jam. Of course the actual date of the Death Penalty Day would be a closely guarded secret, if it wasn't a secret what would be the point?

For the bleeding hearts out there that think Death Penalty Day is too harsh - I offer an alternative - Public Sodomy Day.

The same principles apply in regards to it being a random day and it's sole purpose is to unclog the court system, the main difference is that instead of being put to death, you would be marched to the town square and publicly sodomized by a martial arts expert. The atmosphere would be like a medieval carnival - people would be selling their crafts , baked goods and pirated dvds. Families and children gaily stroll the grounds absorbing all the sights smells and sounds of another successful Public Sodomy Day

Which would be a bigger deterrent to you? My only concern with Public Sodomy Day is that it may breed a repeat criminal who in fact hopes that his/her case falls on Public Sodomy Day

I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they are in no way affiliated with the views expressed here ....

Exercise Routines of the criminally insane

Every once in a while you will the read the story about a mother and her brood of children that where beaten to death by her husband. This story usually unfolds in a trailer park - maybe one in your neighborhood. Now this whole beating people to death thing, got me to thinking - what kind of exercise regimen did the killer under take? How long do you have to train for such a feat?

I can't talk from experience but I'm thinking beating a family to death would take a person who was in pretty good shape - good cardio - can't gas out in the middle of a bludgeoning now can you? So it's not likely that someone who consumes a pack and a half a day of unfiltered Camel's is our killer. Thanks Watson! Hell I get out of breath changing the channels - what kind of shape do you have to be in to go on a killing spree? And think for a moment if the killer's secrets where revealed in a tell all book available at Amazon.com What do you suppose a serial killer's book on exercise tips would be called?

I'm not criminally insane but I am on Humor-Blogs.com - Go there and vote for me I'll be eternally grateful

BLA

The Olympics are coming - does anyone care?

The historic Olympic games are about to start and I think even Osma Bin Laden deep in his Pakistani cave has been caught up in the big Olympic hype machine - the question I have is why do we care anymore?

The Olympics used to be a great event of truly amazing athletes accomplishing great feats - now it is simply athletic people pumping themselves full of HGH, Steriods and masking agents that they have more in common with a pharmacy then anything relating to the honor of true sportsmanship and the Olympic games. It has gotten so bad that Chine had to institute sex testing of it's athletes to see whether they should be in the female or male events. You would have thought that the presence of a penis would indicate a man, and a vagina would indicate a woman - seems that is not the case anymore. They are so hopped up on hormones their own bodies don't know what they are.

Why don't we just market the games as a bunch of drugged up people running and jumping fast- put it all out in open . I mean is there anyone out there that thinks that there are any clean athletes in the Olympics anymore? I think that if you think there are clean athletes you probably voted for George W thinking that he was good choice for world peace.

I'm on Humor Blogs.com and they do random drug testing. On Wednesday we're testing opiates...