Germs, Viruses and Bacterium oh my...

If you pay attention to the advertising out there, our world is simply awash with all manner of germs and viruses. At any moment we are mere seconds away from certain death,from a virus that affixed itself to us when we opened the washroom door. The microscopic vermin are everywhere - door knobs, pens, loose change,your children - it's make the brain over heat, when you start to think about how many of the vermin are out there plotting our demise.

But wait - there is now an answer to our collective germ phobia - hand sanitizers. I'm sure the person who invented these devices - Hans Sanitizer - I believe he was Dutch - won the Noble Prize for his invention and for doing his part for saving humanity.

How do they work? Glad you asked. These small bottles are filled with an alcohol based solution that when applied to your hands kills all germs on contact. In theory it sounds like a great idea - what on earth could go wrong?

Well, consider for a moment where people store these handy life saving devices? Take a poll at your work , or cell block, and I'm sure you'll hear answers like, purses, glove compartments, on my desk etc. Places where the product is easily accessible. But here is the potential flaw in the system - all these places are themselves, a potential ebola virus breeding ground. We need to come up with a product to sanitize the sanitizer.

If your hand sanitizer is sitting on your desk amidst the viruses and bacterium - as soon as you pick it up, you have placed your life, and the life of others at risk. Prior to picking up the sanitizer you need to apply Mr. Hans Sanitizer's newest product "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer". This product comes with latex gloves - packaged in a sterile air tight package - and a bucket with applicator.

Put on the gloves , use the "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer" applicator on the hand sanitizer on your desk, or in your purse. Remove the latex gloves, and dispense the aforementioned hand sanitizer. Rub hands together - ensuring that the nasty germ killing product has effectively covered you.

Phew - that was a lot of work - but saving lives is a task that I will willing undertake. I will let this post serve as my public service announcement.

Remember these easy steps

1. Put on Latex Gloves

2. Use "Han's Sanitizer Sanitizer" Applicator on the surface of any sanitizing product.

3. Then, and only then, can you dispense the life saving sanitizing lotion.

Failure to follow these steps could mean that you, or your family could be stricken with a rare tropical disease. You could then find yourself as the subject of a Discovery Channel documentary - "The family who developed blowholes - check your local listings." Don't let it happen to those you love.

Can I get that with extra snake?

What will the killjoys think of next?

I will now not be able to get my fix of snake - python to be precise at my next dinner out. A restaurateur in the UK was offering up Python in coconut sauce as a Halloween special. But alas we will never experience this delicacy. The animal rights activists state, that the snake continues to live for up to an hour after the head has been removed.

Let's be honest here - how productive can that time be? A snake doesn't do much during it's normal day to day routine, other then consume family pets. It has a fairly mundane existence. So if we where to hack it's head off - there is not apt to be much left outstanding on it's reptilian to-do list. It's not like the restaurant is offer a Noble Prize winner in a delicate cream sauce as an entree.

Well if I can't get my Python in coconut sauce - I think I'll have to try the Koala Skewers - they cook it table side.

Mmmmm - has a faint hint of eucalyptus.....

This bag is not a toy.

Things that make me go hmmm....

So you've had a hang nail now for a few weeks and the pain has gotten unbearable. You find yourself late at night thumbing through your local phone directory looking for a solution. Exotic Dancers, Explosives,Extermination and Fumigation - close but not exactly what you where thinking ah ha here it is Euthanasia - Mercy Killing. Interesting there are several places to choose from. Where do I get consumer reviews for the businesses listed here? I mean who do I choose?

There is a lot of responsibility for any company offering mercy killing - would you want to go to an establishment that accepted competitors coupons? Not likely. What about one that offered you the choice to super size it? Not sure what a "supersize" deal is at a mercy killing store. Apparently the store will include either a family pet, or one family member free of charge, to be included in the package. There is likely a large segment of the married market for whom that offer does not appeal - "I'm dying to get away from him/her " is a phrase heard quite often I am sure by the salespeople at that store.



There are options for the budget conscience consumer as well - a do it yourself kit. Hmm looks like a plastic bag - "Instructions - Place over head - secure tightly" Oh look at this - in red letters at the bottom - "This bag is not a toy"


Here is an interesting option for the DIY crowd- William Hung sings the classics - extended version. Comes with one CD - (Extended version) and an Al-Quaida approved box cutter. It does not come with instructions, but anyone can see you put the CD on track one, and press "repeat all". In no time at all, the manufacturer guarantees that you will happily slice your wrists open - or you get your money back. Now that is an offer that any company would be happy to stand behind.

Our product will kill you, or you get your money back- finally some truth in advertising....

Greenland - Fact or Fiction?

There has been some discussion over at Humor Bloggers.com about the Internet habits of the natives of Greenland, specifically whether they enjoy humor blogs. Rather then looking into the extent of the current Greenland fiber optic cable network, and if it is in fact restricting Greenlanders from enjoying the bounty of the Internet, I ask the question - does in fact Greenland even exist?

Pause for a moment to consider.....

Do you know anyone from Greenland? Perhaps you work with a former Greenlandite? No? Hmm I've talked to my parole officer and he has not known any Greenlanders to have used his services before. Oh and the hot dog vendor on the street corner - after he told me to go F@$%^ myself, stated that he does not believe that any natives of Greenland have bought his hot dogs.

Ok so what does this informal survey prove? Not a lot really - but it raises the question if in fact there even is a Greenland.

Let's look at the evidence.

No one has ever met anyone from Greenland

No one from Greenland has come to my blog - as per Google Analytics

Hot Dog Vendor guy has never knowingly sold his product to a Greenlander

And the country is covered in Ice and Snow

I'm from Canada and we have 10 months of winter and 2 months of bad skiing, but even we have Internet access and we use this technology to surf porn and buy Cheesie Snacks in the shape of Jesus - Ahh technology it's a wonderful thing.

The conspiracy theorists amongst us state that the moon landing was faked - if they can fake that - how hard would it be to make an imaginary country full of ice and snow?

Look at their flag



Does it look like any real thought went into that? Or did the marketing department at Warner Brothers simply have a deadline to meet?



If the people of Greenland get this message - please let me know that

a) Greenland is a valid country and not something dreamed up on a Hollywood backlot somewhere

b) you have Internet Access

c) you have indoor plumbing

An anxious world awaits your response.