Jesus is back from the archives

I had tried to get a new post together for the Easter season but kicking heroin is much harder than I thought and I find that I am unable to complete full sentences at the moment - ack blurb duseldorf!

Today's post is dredged from the archives and it deals with the story of Jesus Christ and his love for chocolate eggs.

So sit back, relax and enjoy.



I was having coffee with Jesus the other day at a local cafe - I'm sure you've heard of Jesus , he's the guy whose claim to fame is being the son of God and being able to change water into wine. The whole "son of God thing" can be a bit of a curse Jesus explained to me as he sipped at his non fat soy latte- he in fact compared being the son of God to Paris Hilton being born into the family of Hotel royalty. "You enter into a life of entitlement and open doors because of your family tree. At no time are you given the opportunity to encounter anything remotely "unpleasant". That is why this whole crucifixion episode hurt so much" - Jesus explained wiping a tear from his eye with the corner of his sleeve.

Jesus was a little distressed at how we are celebrating his death and subsequent resurrection during the "Easter" season. He was going on at one point about how he spent 3 days in a dark , dank and musty tomb and how he developed a severe case of both claustrophobia and foot rot. At no time when he was in the tomb did he encounter any rabbits,chocolate eggs or "door crasher specials". He emphasized this point by pounding on the table, which caused his latte to splash onto his robe.

At this point in the conversation an old lady nervously approached our table and gazed upon Jesus. I had seen that look before when I took my daughter to the Jonas Brothers concert last month. This was look of a hard core Jesus fan.

Jesus stopped in mid sentence and turned to the old lady - she seemed to glow when his eyes turned to her. She said nothing but thrust a Sharpie and a notepad at him.

"And to whom shall I make it out to?" Jesus said

The poor old lady was barely able to get out a response "Marilyn" she squeaked.

"To Marilyn - Peace be with you signed JC" - Jesus scrawled on the notepad. He put the cover on the Sharpie and handed them both back to the woman.

She grabbed the notepad and pen and clutched them to her breast - her eyes burning with a renewed religious fervor - "Bless you, oh bless you " she muttered as she turned and walked back into the city.

"You'll probably find that on EBay within the hour" Jesus said shaking his head sadly.

Wiping the latte froth from his mouth the son of God started to talk again about Easter.

"It was by far the toughest part of my life bar none. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies. The whole resurrection bit caused me back problems that plagued me for years after. Lift with your legs not your back - if I knew that when I tried to roll that stone away from the entrance to the tomb, I'd have never developed my addiction to over the counter pain medication"

The conversation was suddenly interrupted with a heavenly chorus of angels.

Jesus reached into his robes and pulled out his Blackberry - pushing a button on the Blackberry the choir of angels stopped. The son of God glanced down at the screen;

"Excuse me I have to get this it's God calling" he said "he wants me to get some of those Chocolate eggs while I'm here. The old man likes those eggs and they only come out once a year. That's really the only reason why I make the trip back to earth in the first place."

With that Jesus drained his latte, shook my hand and wished me well.He promised he would stay in touch. Getting up from the table he strode out of the cafe on his quest for Chocolate Eggs, a man with a purpose.

Amen

Child Labor - coming soon to an office near you

When people talk about child labor I summon up the image of 8 year olds, toiling for a large athletic footwear corporation and getting paid a crust of bread for a days wages.

The media has always shown child labor as a phenomenon that happens in the dark corners of impoverished nations such as Gambia or India. So you can imagine my surprise when I realized recently that the company I work for does in fact participate in the hiring of children.

I work in an industry that employs thousands of people worldwide and generates billions in dollars in revenue each year. Little of this revenue actually gets paid out to the peons or worker bees like myself toiling away anonymously in the dark.

I can only imagine it was the corporate desire for more revenue that made HR collectively turn their heads when the first 8 year old submitted their resume.

When I finally left grade school I thought that my days of dealing with snotty nosed,whiny malcontents was finally over but alas I can see that is not the case.

Whiny children have become part of the culture of the modern international corporation. Management sees the hiring of children as a "win - win" The company saves money and parents don't have to worry about day care.

How can you tell if your company is hiring children? Look for these signs

1. The Smoking Area has be made into a sandbox

2. The entire building has been "baby proofed"

3. There will be a higher number of employee temper tantrums

4. Mandatory Nap Time

5. Designated parking spots for Tricycles

Don't say I did not warn you - children are becoming a larger part of corporate culture.

One thing to remember is that large corporations will give whiny children anything they want. It's the same tactic that parents have used for decades now- "Finish the quarterly budget report and you can have some ice cream"


-sigh

Sticky Gas Pedals ensure Victory for Toyota

The news about the Toyota recall was everywhere. Here was one of the largest automobile manufacturers in the world being forced to recall millions of cars, as a result of mechanical failures like stuck accelerator pedals.

For a brand that has marketed itself on the safety and reliability of their vehicles could this recall spell the end for yet another of the worlds auto makers?

As unlikely as it seems, the worldwide recall of Toyota's due to sticking accelerators pedals has been a welcome bit of news for one department of the manufacturing behemoth.

The department - TOYOTA MOTORSPORTS. Their mandate is simple - drive fast and win races! You can find Toyota Motorsports on the NASCAR and F1 circuit.

In a recent interview a Toyota Motorsports crew chief was reported as saying "the stuck accelerator pedals could be a huge bonus for us this racing season."

"Our drivers always try to push their cars to the limit, with the stuck gas pedals we gain an important advantage over our competitors. We don't have to worry about losing any speed in the corners. We can rest easy knowing that the car will be going flat out even if the driver would prefer to drive a little slower"

Experts agree that this could very well be the year that Toyota gets the checkered flag.

For any Toyota owners out there here is some advice- get your ride race ready - get rid of the back seat, install a roll bar and fire extinguisher. Get a helmet and head out to the track.

As the head of Toyota Motorsports said recently:

"We need to embrace this dangerous mechanical malfunction not vilify it. It is only through our shoddy engineering that we will find victory at the track"

"An Intelligent Celebrity" or Sasquatch - which is real?

Well the marketing gurus over at Fleechem Uncouth Cockman and Knight are back with another campaign that will have the public eating out of their hands.

Fleecem Uncouth Cockman and Knight (now on referred to as FUCK) was the marketing firm that George Bush and his cronies used for the infamous "Weapons of Mass Destruction" campaign. The WMD campaign was seen by marketing experts as "groundbreaking" and "industry changing".

The success of the campaign was that where never any actual WMD found, but the public still bought into the concept hook line and sinker. A brilliant example of hornswoggling the public that will be referred to in marketing textbooks for years to come.




It's been a few years since their proverbial home run but FUCK is back with a campaign that will rock the very foundations of the society we live in.

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to present the latest FUCK marketing campaign - "The Intelligent Celebrity"

Celebrities up to this point where only recognized for a few things.

If you are a male celebrity it would be your rock hard abs and chiseled jaw, and as a female it would be the size and quality of your boob job, or the latest candid crotch shot.



Now those marketing geniuses are going to convince us that we actually want to know what celebrities think. How celebrities feel about the issues that effect our lives. You know the issues - "How to lose 50 pounds in time for your leading role" and "How designer perfume is changing lives for people everywhere"

When the marketing campaign gets under way we can expect to see celebrities pedaled out on the evening news and give their opinion on current events so we, the great unwashed masses, can benefit from their wisdom(?)

Oh look tonight at 6:00 - "Paris Hilton talks about the crisis in Haiti"

Now that's hot!