I had tried to get a new post together for the Easter season but kicking heroin is much harder than I thought and I find that I am unable to complete full sentences at the moment - ack blurb duseldorf!
Today's post is dredged from the archives and it deals with the story of Jesus Christ and his love for chocolate eggs.
So sit back, relax and enjoy.
I was having coffee with Jesus the other day at a local cafe - I'm sure you've heard of Jesus , he's the guy whose claim to fame is being the son of God and being able to change water into wine. The whole "son of God thing" can be a bit of a curse Jesus explained to me as he sipped at his non fat soy latte- he in fact compared being the son of God to Paris Hilton being born into the family of Hotel royalty. "You enter into a life of entitlement and open doors because of your family tree. At no time are you given the opportunity to encounter anything remotely "unpleasant". That is why this whole crucifixion episode hurt so much" - Jesus explained wiping a tear from his eye with the corner of his sleeve.
Jesus was a little distressed at how we are celebrating his death and subsequent resurrection during the "Easter" season. He was going on at one point about how he spent 3 days in a dark , dank and musty tomb and how he developed a severe case of both claustrophobia and foot rot. At no time when he was in the tomb did he encounter any rabbits,chocolate eggs or "door crasher specials". He emphasized this point by pounding on the table, which caused his latte to splash onto his robe.
At this point in the conversation an old lady nervously approached our table and gazed upon Jesus. I had seen that look before when I took my daughter to the Jonas Brothers concert last month. This was look of a hard core Jesus fan.
Jesus stopped in mid sentence and turned to the old lady - she seemed to glow when his eyes turned to her. She said nothing but thrust a Sharpie and a notepad at him.
"And to whom shall I make it out to?" Jesus said
The poor old lady was barely able to get out a response "Marilyn" she squeaked.
"To Marilyn - Peace be with you signed JC" - Jesus scrawled on the notepad. He put the cover on the Sharpie and handed them both back to the woman.
She grabbed the notepad and pen and clutched them to her breast - her eyes burning with a renewed religious fervor - "Bless you, oh bless you " she muttered as she turned and walked back into the city.
"You'll probably find that on EBay within the hour" Jesus said shaking his head sadly.
Wiping the latte froth from his mouth the son of God started to talk again about Easter.
"It was by far the toughest part of my life bar none. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies. The whole resurrection bit caused me back problems that plagued me for years after. Lift with your legs not your back - if I knew that when I tried to roll that stone away from the entrance to the tomb, I'd have never developed my addiction to over the counter pain medication"
The conversation was suddenly interrupted with a heavenly chorus of angels.
Jesus reached into his robes and pulled out his Blackberry - pushing a button on the Blackberry the choir of angels stopped. The son of God glanced down at the screen;
"Excuse me I have to get this it's God calling" he said "he wants me to get some of those Chocolate eggs while I'm here. The old man likes those eggs and they only come out once a year. That's really the only reason why I make the trip back to earth in the first place."
With that Jesus drained his latte, shook my hand and wished me well.He promised he would stay in touch. Getting up from the table he strode out of the cafe on his quest for Chocolate Eggs, a man with a purpose.
Amen
0 comments:
Post a Comment