I have figured out how to commit the perfect murder. Yeah you read that right, the perfect murder and there is no way those fancy CSI folks could catch you. I tell you if OJ had done this years ago he would be out there right now playing golf instead of um err...oh never mind.
I did not start out looking for ways to commit the perfect murder - the idea just came to me. Let me set the scene for you.
It was early evening and I was getting peckish, it was time to think about what I was going to have for dinner. Opening the fridge I saw the usual assortment of condiments, and left over lasagna that populate fridges in every neighborhood in North America. "Not tonight thank you" I said to the lasagna and shut the door quickly. I was tired of hearing it complain about how no one wanted it anymore.
Perhaps there was a delectable morsel in the freezer compartment of the fridge. Thinking positive thoughts, I opened up the freezer door, and that is when it happened. My eureka moment. That was when the seed for committing the perfect murder was planted.
As soon as I had opened the freezer door, a frozen pork roast decided to fall out and hit the floor with a solid THUMP! landing inches away from my feet.
My heart was pounding, adrenaline raced through my veins. I had come very close to being horribly injured in a frozen pork roast accident. I would be forced to live the remainder of my unhappy life doing Public Service Announcements about the dangers that hide in your freezer. Spot the Dangers - Thaw your meat!
I had looked death, or at least horrible disfigurement in the eyes, and it had blinked first. I thought I was invincible.
With my pulse still racing I reached down to grab the offending hunk of frozen pork. When I picked it up and felt it's weight in my hands, it was so cold and hard.
I made a few practice swings with the frozen pork roast. I envisioned how I would crush in the skull of the hapless delivery person. The frozen pork roast whistled through the air - yeah this could work. It was entirely possible to bludgeon something to death with a frozen hunk of meat, and then simply eat the murder weapon. There would be no trace bits of evidence left behind for those CSI bastards to find. 
The body of my victim - hmm that may be more difficult to get rid of. Maybe I'll ship it over to North Korea so they can harvest it for organs or maybe it can be a guest judge on Dancing with the Stars. Hmmmm
14 comments:
Actually, disposing of a body isn't as tough as you think, if you have the stomach for it. You simply have to cut the body into small pieces, and feed the pieces to your dog. A big bonfire works well also, if you can get past the smell. The key here is to destroy identifying features and obliterate the DNA.
I mean, that's what I heard.
Knucklehead - in regards to body disposal I've heard it's handy to have at least one friend with a pig farm - city dwellers should still UPS their victims to North Korea for harvesting as suggested
I know a guy. Call him The Cleaner. For $2000, he'll make it look like it never happened.
This was a strangely informative post.
I once killed a man using frozen corn then tried to eat the evidence thinking the same thing.
FYI - don't kill people with things that don't digest. Hindsight sucks.
The more you know.
Signed,
Prisoner 3487192
Informative, Dave, but methinks you shouldn't have said so much. CSI has all the evidence it needs right here. :)
Unicorn - This post was purely for educational reasons and I in no way support your upcoming killing spree
Rambler - Egads I think you may be right - I think I'll go with the insanity defense - Cluck Cluck Caw Caw ....tweet tweet
Mooooog - I tried the same thing before - but I used canned corn. I gave up on it as I could never find a recipe that made the can taste half way palatable...live and learn
You could send the bodies to Peru. I hear they are doing good things with bodies over there. You know sucking out the fat and all.
I would rather make a bullet from the meat but those damn mythbusters squashed that idea. How about I just stab people. Good old fashioned stabbing. Yeah.
Mepsipax - There are a few drawbacks too stabbing people - first you have the left over evidence to dispose of and second you need to be in adequate shape to complete the feat. Refer to this link for more info :
http://www.outofthemouthofdave.com/2008/08/exercise-routines-of-criminally-insane.html
informative article...in a CSI way!!
I think you've got the makings of a terrific spin-off here. CSI: Meat Murders.
I make and market a DNA polluter. It's full of millions of DNA samples. You pour it over the murder scene and then there are so many that the CSI guys can't get through them all and they have no case...
Actually that was the plot of an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents - woman killed her husband with a leg of lamb, then roasted. Called the police, said there was a burgler, while the cops are investigating she serves them the leg of lamb - murder weapon gone!
grace, you are talking about the short sory by Roald Dahl "lamb to the Slaughter"
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