Where in the @#*# is Osama Bin Laden?

It's been several years now since George Dubya declared a jihad on Osama Bin Laden's head. Other then the occasional low budget video rant we have seen nothing from the elusive Bin Laden. As a public service I have decided to include some evidence that was provided to me from Government sources that could help narrow the hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

These are the facts and they are undisputed.

Osama is an older man of 52 years having being born in 1957 in the back of a Saudi Arabian city bus. US Government studies show that members of that specific demographic favor recreational activities such as Casinos and wine tours not running Jihads. Perhaps Osama has finally decided to put down his Kalashnikov and seek out the simpler pursuits?

I submit as evidence a grainy Government photo taken Aug 2008 which allegedly shows Osama Bin Laden and an unidentified companion playing a vigorous game of lawn bowling.



This picture would certainly add fuel to the fire of those who believe Osama has moved on to a life of leisure. Looking at the photo it seems to me, an untrained observer that Osama has a freakishly large head.

Perhaps Osama has taken up residence in a large urban center such as Las Vegas or Miami Beach which could fulfill all his entertainment needs. My initial thought is Osma is not going to settle someplace like Las Vegas. Las Vegas has too much going on to stimulate his senses. Too many lights, too many sounds and too many partially clad showgirls. All of these things add up to sensory overload for anyone who has spent anytime living in a damp hole in the ground.

Several government agencies have reported seeing him on several cruise ships dominating at the shuffleboard court.

It's true that I have never organized a Jihad before, but I would imagine to run a successful Jihad you would require a Hi speed internet connection. Seeing as the frozen hinterlands of the lawless Afghanistan/Pakistan border lack a reliable wi-fi connection I'm confident that we can cross those locations off the list of places where Osama can be found.

Now there is one item that I was made aware of through my connections at DAFT (Department for the Advancement of Feeble Thinking) which is not common knowledge about Osama Bin Laden. My source states that Osama is never far from his trusty camel "Stuttgart". Now most jurisdictions have specific bylaws that restrict the type of animal a home owner can have on their property. One area of the country that is extremely lax in regards to this is Las Vegas. Celebrities like Sigfried and Roy have lived for years with their brood of white tigers, and Celine Dion has a family of beavers living in her guest house. It's quite common to see people like Tom Jones walking their exotic pets early Sunday morning en route to Starbucks.

In his latest video tape Osama can be seen ranting and raving about how Susan Boyle was robbed at the finals of Britain has talent. His latest frothing at the mouth outburst, can only come from someone who is plugged into popular culture through cable tv or the use of websites like You Tube.

I'm beginning to think that Uncle Sam needs to go to Vegas and poke around there - all the evidence seems to be pointing to the fact that you can find Osama on the Vegas Strip.