There are few things that raise testosterone levels in men to dangerous levels. They are in no particular order; V8 engines, womens beach volleyball , barbecues,and any home improvement project that involves power tools.
It seems to be an integral part of a "real man's" DNA to have the ability and desire, to dismantle a V8 engine , and rebuild it using parts that are constructed out of old lawnmowers. Alpha Male Mechanics will group together with others of their kind and they will spin tall tales involving rebuilt carbs, the tensile strength of carbon fiber and high performance engine modifications harnessing the power of farts to propel vehicles to unheard of speeds. Don't take my word for it, take a look on You Tube and you'll see what I am talking about.
Even though I have the necessary genitalia and genetic makeup, I can never gain entrance into this exclusive club of Alpha Male Mechanics. Their entrance requirements are quite strict. For the test this year it is an essay question on the best way to improve the torque in a '74 hemi engine. You can only use items you can find in a "real man's" glove compartment - which if you believe the test contains items such as a socket set,lubricant - know what I mean , say no more - nudge nudge wink wink - and a filleting knife. I'm guessing the correct answer is to put the filleting knife to the throat of an auto mechanic and threaten to sever a major artery unless he finds a way to improve compression in your 74 hemi. But that is just me.....
If you really want to see the hold that power tools have on males on this planet look no farther then the steroid bar that opened up at my local Home Depot. Home Depot is well known for having a huge assortment of power tools and hardware gadgetry. And we are already aware as to the supernatural pull that power tools have over men so it seemed like the natural spot to put a Steroid Bar - it's called "The Juiced Bar" - Catchy name if you ask me, which no one did.
Finally there is a place where former professional athletes can hold court and teach the up and comers all they need to know when it comes to steroids. Items that are discussed over a syringe are how to trick a urine test, and the proper etiquette when injecting your friends. "The Juiced Bar" even has workshops you can sign up for. Coming up next weekend up is "Harnessing your 'roid rage" and "Bench press your drill press".
I understand the "rage" thing as that is an emotion that I have encountered before, but I'm not clear on what a "drill press" is. I think it must be a Chippendale's dance routine.
3 comments:
I too have the genitalia and genetic makeup, but absolutely no idea how to do any of that engine Hemi horsepower stuff.
But I do agree that the drill press is a Chippendale's dance routine.
Stumbled
Please, any girly-man should know the answer to this. You just add more cubic inches, increase compression ratio, redesign the cylinder heads, intake and exhaust systems for better flow, and to increase engine speed, bore out the diameter of each cylinder by approximately 3.5 millimeters in order to increase the total displacement from 5.7 liters to 6.1 liters. Cylinders are honed with torque plates to ensure a truer bore, to reduce friction and increase power.
See how easy that was? Bwahahahahah Loved the article!
Freetheunicorns - thanks for both the stumble and your admittance that you too don't understand Hemi horsepower stuff
Ettarose - I am grateful for your explanation but you expect me to do all that with just a filleting knife?
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