Why Jesus Christ does not have an I Phone...

I saw Jesus the other day and he was furious. I don't think I've ever seen him this angry. Even all the sodomizing that the Vatican did never evoked this type of response.

"That's it I've F*##@#* had it with that Steve Jobs jackass"
Jesus' outburst caused several patrons in the cafe to cast disapproving glances at the son of God.

"Ever since he died I've heard nothing else but Steve Jobs this, IPhone that - even Dad is saying that Steve would have done a better job than me. But this is the last f*#@$% straw"

With that Jesus thrust a newspaper article under my nose.
"Read it!" He roared.

It was an article from the Los Angeles Times, the headline seemed to leap off the page.

Steve Jobs conducting miracles in suburban basement.

The article went on to explain how after a flood in his basement, homeowner Charles Gonzalez found the image of former Apple founder Steve Jobs in a water stain on the wall.
"I didn't think anything of it when I first saw it" Gonzalez explains "But all that changed after my wife Maria saw the image. She stroked the stain gently with her fingers and then placed her hands on her stomach. I wouldn't believe it if I did not see it for myself."

A paragraph followed about how the Gonzalez family had been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a baby. Doctors had recently stated that Maria could not have kids of her own as her ovaries where much too scarred to produce any viable eggs.

"Have you got to the part about the baby yet?" Jesus demanded

I shook my head at the son of God and continued to read...

I came to the part Jesus was talking about - it seems that after touching the water stained image of Steve Jobs and then touching her belly - a miracle had occurred. Maria's ovaries had healed and 9 months after touching the water stain in their basement, Charles and Maria Gonzalez where parents to a healthy baby boy.
"We're calling him IPod in honor of Steve Jobs and for all he did for us" Charles explained.

Soon after word of the miracle in their basement got out, the Gonzalez home was inundated with prospective parents paying for the opportunity to touch the water stained image in the hopes that they too would become pregnant.

"They called the damn kid Ipod" Jesus said "What kind of name is that? And that f#@%&*! Steve Jobs is conducting miracles from beyond the grave? What the hell is next? I'm gonna find myself out of a job if Dad gets word of this"

I looked at the son of God and shrugged my shoulders - there was nothing I could say that would reassure him. It would seem that the mythical powers of Steve Jobs know no boundaries and Jesus - the quintessential miracle worker could soon be looking for another line of work.

How the Horn of Africa is helping save a Hollywood salon from destruction.

It truly is amazing what can happen when people band together for a common cause. This was clearly seen this past weekend in regards to the threatened closure of one of Hollywood's most famous salons.

The salon -(which will remain nameless for legal reasons) is going to be destroyed so the city of LA could put up a multi-storied parking garage. The hue and cry from the people on Hollywood's A list about the prospect of losing their favorite salon was tremendous.

Only a few minutes after the LA city council made their decision, a daytime soap star sent an email about the anticipated destruction of their beloved salon to a few of her close friends. In the email she asked that everyone show solidarity and support by having a hunger strike until the salon was saved from the wrecking ball.

Thanks to the wonder(?) of the internet the soap star's email made it's way to the Horn of Africa where she found a group of people that were only too eager to take up the hunger strike cause if it meant saving a salon in Hollywood.

At last count over 10,000 people in Africa have made the ultimate sacrifice by dieing for their cause. Unfortunately none of Hollywood's celebrities have the same "stick-to-it-iveness" as the people of Africa.

The LA city council has not reversed their decision to destroy the salon. Even the LA City council and their grade school geography know that the people in Africa will not be voting in the next LA municipal elections. The destruction of the salon is still on. You can help by forwarded this article to people on your mailing list - help save the salon and spread the word.

Crazy Christians Copy Crucified Christ

Today is Good Friday and for the great mass of unwashed heathens, or Muslim readers who frequent this blog let me explain the significance of this day. Good Friday as the people at Wikipedia explain it as "a religious holiday observed primarily by Christians commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and his death at Calvary."

Well some current fans of Jesus take this opportunity every year to reenact the crucifixion of Jesus. People actually line up for the opportunity to have spikes driven through their hands and to be suspended from a cross. Don't believe me read about it here - go on I'll wait.....Kooky Crazy Christians Copy Crucified Christ

See - crazy eh? Well one thing the article did not tell you was that this years crucifixion festival(?) has a new corporate sponsor. Home Depot will no longer be sponsoring the nailing of people to the cross. This years festival is sponsored by the US Government.

Yup Obama and his band of merry men have provided the monies needed to run this years crucifixion ceremony. They have also been kind enough to provide several busloads of excess Iraqi and Afghan prisoners to practice on. Bless their hearts. Abu Grahib must be getting full....

Now the crazed Christians have all the nasty, stinking, dirty, heathen, enemy combatants to practice their crucifixion skills on. This years festival is sure to be a smash hit thanks to the good old US of A.

RIP- Money For Nothing 1985 -2011

I cannot believe that this is happening in 2011 but the "geniuses" at The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council have banned all Canadian Radio stations from playing the Dire Straits mega hit - Money For Nothing. They claim a listener was offended by the use of the term "faggot" in the song.

Money for Nothing for those who may not be aware was released in 1985 and was an international hit for Dire Straits.

I guess if one international mega hit can be banned from the airwaves by the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council there are sure to be others to follow.

I have included a list of major rock hits that I have deemed offensive to certain segments of the population. I propose that everyone write into the CBSC with their own suggestion of a mega hit that needs to be banished from the airwaves.

If we write thousands of letters the CBSC will be forced to pull thousands of songs off the radio due to listener complaints. Once they purge the airwaves of any offensive mega hits, listening to the radio will mean listening to large blocks of silence followed by a 30 second spot for "Bob's Used Cars".

For those of you who want to contact the ivory tower residing troglodytes you can do so here:

Address: Canadian Broadcast Standards Council
P.O. Box 3265, Station D
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
K1P 6H8
Telephone: 613-233-4607 or toll free at 866-696-4718

Email Address: Email CBSC

Without Further Ado I present:

Dave's list of Offensive Mega Hits

Stairway to Heaven -(Led Zeppelin) offensive to Atheists and Satanists alike.

Lolo - (The Kinks) - offends anyone not comfortable with the idea of picking up a "Tranny" in a bar - come on people live a little....

Hotel California - (The Eagles) - offensive to stock holders in major hotel chains such as The Hilton and Motel 6

Sympathy for the Devil - ( The Rolling Stones) - Offends most organized religions with the exception of your local Satanist Chapter.

Jump - (Van Halen)- considered offensive by both paraplegics and quadriplegics.

Brittney Spears - offends everyone.

Did I miss any?