HGH, Steroids and the modern Olympic Games

Unless you have been living in a cave with Osama, you are aware that the greatest sporting event ever has been running for the past two weeks in Vancouver Canada. I'm speaking of course about the Olympic Games.

The very phrase " The Olympic Games" summons up an image of athletes competing fairly and honorably for the "glory of the game" Um not so fast. That may have been true during the time of your Grandfather's Olympics but nothing could be farther from the truth in regards to the modern Olympic Games

Today's Olympic athletes do not focus on "fair play". They focus their energies on masking any performance enhancing drugs they currently have in their system. Every Olympic Games we hear stories about an athlete who lost their gold medal as a result of a failed urine test. The athletes cheat - there is too much money involved for them not too. Remember Marion Jones?

We cannot expect Steroids and Human Growth Hormones to not be used anymore in the Olympics, just like we cannot expect any major league baseball player to not be "On the juice". Performance enhancing drugs is one genie that is not going back into any bottle anytime soon.

So if you can't beat them join them. I propose that we throw out any notion of drug testing at the Olympic Games. Assume the athletes are doped up and let the games begin.

Just think how exciting those games would be. Athletes pumped full of HGH and steroids would be shattering records left, right, and center. The television ratings would be through the roof and the corporate sponsors could rake in even more obscene amounts of money.

Yeah I think an Olympic Games that encourages performance enhancing drugs for the athletes could work very well. Think how exciting every event will be when athletes learn how to harness their "roid rage"

Tiger Woods and his latest product endorsement.

Tiger Woods has a press conference scheduled for today, and the entire world is a buzz with the possibilities of what he might say in his first appearance since his infamous martial "indiscretions" became fodder for the tabloids.

Thanks largely to some of our contacts in the golfing industry we are able to provide to you an overview of the expected content at the Tiger Woods press conference. Some of the media are thinking that Tiger will use this opportunity to publicly apologize for his many indiscretions but that is not the information we have.

We are receiving word that Tiger Woods will use his press conference to launch an exciting new product.

This product is one that Tiger Woods himself uses - one that he can stand behind and endorse honestly and truthfully. And let's face it Truth and Honesty are two values that Tiger Woods needs to be associated with now more than ever if he wants to rebuild his image in the eyes of the public.

Our sources are telling us this product takes advantage of the Energy Drink craze that is sweeping the nation and gives it another twist.

The product is a carbonated energy drink that the manufactures claim will increase both your energy and your libido.

With a patented blend of 11 herbs and spices TIGER BOMB manufactures claim that "pulling an all nighter" is now possible for all men over the age of 18.

Now we can all live like the celebrities we admire.

Who knew using a product endorsed by a celebrity could destroy our marriages and hurt those we love?

NY City Homeless Man talk of the town in Darfur

Peoples lifestyles have certainly taken a turn for the worse thanks to the economic crisis we find ourselves in. Husbands have cut back on extramarital affairs,mothers have resorted to feeding their children home cooked meals, and kids are forced to watch basic cable.

There is some good news that has come out of the financial meltdown, the experience of Stephen Dirby - a former New York City homeless person who now finds himself the major of a small village in Darfur.

When I talked to Stephen he explained that the life of a homeless person in NY City was not an easy lifestyle. He had spent several years on the streets of the Big Apple. Everyday you could find him picking up cigarette butts, or rummaging through the trash in the hopes of finding anything edible. As a career move, being a NY City homeless person was a dead end.

"It was after I drank a particular potent batch of potato wine that I got the idea on how I could better my life" Stephen explained to me. "I needed a fresh start, a new approach to life and better yet a new location to try to scrape out a living"

He talks about stowing away aboard a humanitarian relief flight to Darfur. He hid his shopping cart amongst the many bags of rice that where packed into the cargo hold of the military plane.

"When I finally got to Darfur - I was greeted like a hero. People there had never seen a shopping cart and assumed that I was an influential member of NY upper society. I only had a shopping cart, some cardboard boxes an old Sony Walkman circa 1984, but to these people I was now the richest person in the village."



Being the richest person in a village in Darfur certainly had some privileges for Stephen. The villagers gave him the best house in the city - complete with walls and most of the roof. He is first in line for his typhoid shot, and he tells me that the villagers have recently appointed him mayor.

"I never would have thought that all this would come from stowing away on a plane. Back in North America I was homeless, destitute and forced to rely on the wasteful habits of consumers just to survive. Here I have so much more than other members of the village."

A Shopping Cart, cardboard boxes and an old Sony Walkman circa 1984 - all that and you too can be the major of a small town in Darfur.

"Test Tube Celebrity" - the latest craze from Tinseltown

It seems that everyone who considers themselves a celebrity now a days, has their own perfume or clothing line. Well the line of products stamped "Star Approved" has just increased thanks to some innovative and savvy celebrity surgeons.

The founding surgeons of an exclusive Beverly Hills clinic have come up with a new way for diehard fans to get even closer to their celebrity idols with an exciting new product line called "Test Tube Celebrity"

Dr. Wii Hackem - the founder of this new product line is only to happy to explain;

"At our exclusive clinic we deal with a lot of celebrity clients. Clients who come in for some liposuction, botox injections or face lifts. My partners and I noticed that when we complete any surgical procedure we have left over materials - These materials can be a few pounds of fat that we suctioned off Kristi Alley's thighs, or it could even be a flap of excess skin we removed from Joan River's neck."

With Celebrity Watching having become so wide spread in today's culture, these Doctors found themselves sitting on a virtual goldmine.

Thanks to "Test Tube Celebrity" people like you or I can now own their very own piece of a Hollywood Celebrity.

Dr Hackem goes on to explain;

"The fat that we vacuumed off David Hasselhoff last week, is packaged in a limited edition Swarovski crystal test tube that fans of the Hoff can now purchase with their credit card through our website. When you display the Swarvoski test tube we guarantee that all of your friends will be green with envy over your piece of a Hollywood celebrity. When you purchase Test Tube Celebrity you will also receive a signed picture from the celebrity who was the former host to the fat cells that you now have on display in your living room."

"The law of supply and demand keeps prices high" The good doctor laughs, "Celebrities that have let themselves go, such as Kristie Alley or Roseanne Barr, will of course have lots of fat to be vacuumed off to sell - this keeps the price for their fat cells much lower then someone like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen who we rarely see in our clinic"

Test Tube Celebrity - now that is a product that I'm sure everyone can be excited about. Men will scratch and claw at each other just to be the first on the block to have the Pamela Anderson Test Tube Celebrity - while women will scour the clinic's shelves non stop looking for any remnant of Tom Jones.