Christmas Trees and the PC Police

"Psst hey buddy - wanna buy a Christmas Tree?"
A shadowy figure beckoned to me from the alleyway. Usually having any interaction with men in alleyways was never a recommended practice - let alone on a dark December night.

"I know you want it" the figure spoke again, and he slowly pulled back his trench coat to reveal the branches of a Christmas Tree.

My heart begin to race, my mouth was dry. The shadowy figure was right. I did want it - I needed to have my own Christmas Tree. I wanted to decorate the tree with shiny baubles and top it all off with an angel. Maybe I would set my model of the Nativity under the tree - but dare I risk attracting the attention of the PC Police?

The PC Police or Politically Correct Police were every where, and they were everyone. During the "Holiday Season" they patrolled the neighborhoods looking for anything that celebrated the birth of Christ.

If they saw any Christmas displays the offenses could range from a ticket for a minor offense - such as wishing someone "Merry Christmas" up to jail time for what was deemed - "offensive public display of Christmas themed items". These where things like Christmas Trees and Nativity Scenes.

The PC Police would prefer that there were no Christmas displays at all, but if you did feel the need to decorate you where "strongly advised" to provide a "religiously neutral display" using items such as Frosty the Snowman or the Coca-Cola Polar Bears.

I knew I was flirting with the possibility of some time in the slammer, the big house, or the clink if I was caught with a Christmas Tree I laughed to myself,this could turn out to be most memorable Christmas ever.

I took a few more steps into the alleyway. The air in here smelled like Evergreen trees and memories.

I could make out the man in the trench coat now - his eyes where darting nervously over my shoulder looking for the PC Police - maybe he thought I was an undercover officer.

"Merry Christmas" I said.

The man in the trench coat relaxed visibly - no member of the PC Police would ever utter the words "Merry Christmas" He knew he would not get caught tonight.

"Merry Christmas to you too" he replied.

He pulled back his trench coat to fully reveal a beautiful Douglas Fir tree.

"See anything you like?" he said with a grin.

Unable to speak I found myself stammering - "how how how how much is it?"

"$350" the man replied

I dug into my wallet and thrust the money at the man.

I was frantic, I grabbed the Christmas Tree and shoved it under my coat. Shuffling uncomfortably out of the alley I made my way back to my house.

I would decorate the tree tonight and invite all my friends over. Together we would sing Christmas Carols and wish each other a Merry Christmas - PC Police be damned!

This site is OCCUPIED!

The occupy movement has packed up their tents and gone back to sleeping in their parents' basement. Has anything even changed as a result of their actions? The simple answer is no!

I think the "occupiers" could have achieved great things if they had only picked the right spot for their protest movement. Instead they picked locations that looked good on TV such as Wall Street. Other then a few day traders needing delousing and the odd tetanus shot, none of the 1% was inconvenienced in any fashion.

I propose that to get results, the occupiers should not have camped out on Wall Street but rather they should have "occupied" every washroom in New York.

If you've ever been outside a locked bathroom door - legs crossed, buttocks clenched, your face drenched with sweat - praying frantically to whatever God you hold dear - you understand how effective this technique could have been.

The nightly news would be full of images of the rich and powerful shifting uncomfortably from side to side in front of a locked bathroom door. Marijuana smoke would leak out the edges of the door as the occupiers enjoyed a bong. While a shot of the New York socialite would show the rising levels of panic and fear in their eyes.

As the news cameras continued to film, voices would be raised,and sphincters would get clenched even tighter. On every news network in the country the rich and powerful of New York would be seen begging and pleading for mercy.

Sure there are likely to be casualties from this new occupy movement but nothing that a trip to the dry cleaners could not fix.

How motivated would you be to negotiate,if you came across a locked bathroom door just as you felt that unmistakeable stirring in your bowels?

Is Santa Claus a bad example???

There was a recent post in the British Medical Journal that blamed Santa Claus for the rise in childhood obesity, smoking, drinking etc. I have included the link below if you want to read more about it or you think I'm making this up.
Santa Claus - setting a bad example

Santa has an extremely stressful job so one can only expect that jolly old St. Nick would need to blow off some steam now and again. So he eats a diet high in sugar and saturated fats is that so wrong? Few among us have not also succumbed to the very same thing during a late night snack attack.

Santa has not had any Charlie Sheen inspired parties for years now - ever since Mrs Claus entered the picture. Charlie Sheen style parties always seem to involve a smorgasbord of pharmaceuticals and an assortment of some of the adult film industries best talent(?)

Santa has never been a football coach with an unnatural obsession with his quarterback's sack.

Santa was kissing Mommy under the mistletoe not little Billy. Cut Saint Nick and his high fat diet some slack - it could be much worse.

Why Jesus Christ does not have an I Phone...

I saw Jesus the other day and he was furious. I don't think I've ever seen him this angry. Even all the sodomizing that the Vatican did never evoked this type of response.

"That's it I've F*##@#* had it with that Steve Jobs jackass"
Jesus' outburst caused several patrons in the cafe to cast disapproving glances at the son of God.

"Ever since he died I've heard nothing else but Steve Jobs this, IPhone that - even Dad is saying that Steve would have done a better job than me. But this is the last f*#@$% straw"

With that Jesus thrust a newspaper article under my nose.
"Read it!" He roared.

It was an article from the Los Angeles Times, the headline seemed to leap off the page.

Steve Jobs conducting miracles in suburban basement.

The article went on to explain how after a flood in his basement, homeowner Charles Gonzalez found the image of former Apple founder Steve Jobs in a water stain on the wall.
"I didn't think anything of it when I first saw it" Gonzalez explains "But all that changed after my wife Maria saw the image. She stroked the stain gently with her fingers and then placed her hands on her stomach. I wouldn't believe it if I did not see it for myself."

A paragraph followed about how the Gonzalez family had been trying unsuccessfully for years to have a baby. Doctors had recently stated that Maria could not have kids of her own as her ovaries where much too scarred to produce any viable eggs.

"Have you got to the part about the baby yet?" Jesus demanded

I shook my head at the son of God and continued to read...

I came to the part Jesus was talking about - it seems that after touching the water stained image of Steve Jobs and then touching her belly - a miracle had occurred. Maria's ovaries had healed and 9 months after touching the water stain in their basement, Charles and Maria Gonzalez where parents to a healthy baby boy.
"We're calling him IPod in honor of Steve Jobs and for all he did for us" Charles explained.

Soon after word of the miracle in their basement got out, the Gonzalez home was inundated with prospective parents paying for the opportunity to touch the water stained image in the hopes that they too would become pregnant.

"They called the damn kid Ipod" Jesus said "What kind of name is that? And that f#@%&*! Steve Jobs is conducting miracles from beyond the grave? What the hell is next? I'm gonna find myself out of a job if Dad gets word of this"

I looked at the son of God and shrugged my shoulders - there was nothing I could say that would reassure him. It would seem that the mythical powers of Steve Jobs know no boundaries and Jesus - the quintessential miracle worker could soon be looking for another line of work.