My ship has finally come in....

Well tonight when I logged in to get my email I was happy to see that I had been chosen by some wealthy Solomon Island native to be showered with gold rupees ,pesos or drachmas (not sure what the currency is in the Solomon Island) but never the less my ship has finally come in. I have included below my lucky email along with my responses (in bold) to my new benefactor.




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Mrs Gift Clement
From Solomon Island
Avenue 8450

Hello my dear ,

This message might come to you as a supprised. I am Mrs Gift Clement from Solomon Island. I am married to Mr.Clement William from UK who worked in UK Embassy in GUINEE for nine years before he died in the year 2000.

We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

I am sorry that my current lifestyle has little similarity to the one shared by you and the former Mr. Clement William. I am a practicing Satanist currently under house arrest. I was found responsible for killing and dismembering several spammers. The people who send you emails about Penis size and Nigerian Bank accounts. Not the people who have acquired a taste for the canned meat


Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. Pshaw - the bible is so last years news. If you want a book that will change your life - subscribe to TV Guide.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5 Million in a bank recently, my DOCTOR told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church,organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in.

I want a Muslim or church,organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of Allah/God is maintained. --That fact I am a convicted murderer of spammers has made me an honored citizen in most US states, so it should bode well for meeting your criteria for being a "good person"

I have little desire to get an orphan as I am neither a celebrity or a member of Hollywood's elite. I'm not familiar with either the house of God, or Allah for that matter, but the house of Dave could do with a makeover. I will send you photos of my home reno after I have received your check.

l took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not good at all because they are the one that killed my husband in other to have all my late husband prperties and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in badly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace".

I'm not sure about the Lord fighting the good fight for you - but according to Perez Hilton.com the Jonas brothers are really just holographic images designed by a Wall St marketing firm to appeal to the valuable tween demographic. Sorry I interrupted, you where saying...Please go on.....

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.

I want you and the Muslim or church or other organization to always pray for me because the almighty is my shephard.
Speaking of shepherds...that reminds me of a joke I heard once. "Why did God invent women?" "Because sheep can't cook" BADA BING!

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.Please never disclose this convenant to anyone ok.

I won't disclose our correspondence but I may post it on my blog - I imagine that would be ok eh?

I will need the below information to enable me forward it to my bank so that they will contact you immediately:-

(1) Your complete names - my friends call me Dave but I am thinking of changing it to one of the lesser known elements from the periodic table. Caesium has a nice ring to it I think.

(2)Your house address I'm currently living out of a VW van parked at the corner of Bridge and Maple. It's the rust colored one. Just knock and I'll let you in.

(3).Company name if any. Former CEO of GM

(4).Private telephone number I'm living in a F*&^%$ VW van- do you think I have a phone or fax?

(5) Private fax number you're starting to annoy me with all your questions

(6) Private email address --I'm warning you.

(7) Your brief profile - I'm a very angry convicted murderer who is upset over the fact that your questions are revealing deficiencies in my life. I'm a 30 something year old man living in a van - without a phone or fax???

(8) Your Photograph - Take a look on Interpol for a recent photo

(9) Your bank account. I had all my money in real estate that is why I'm now living in a van.


Please do keep the confidential of this transaction for my funds security reason otherwise i will look for another perosn right? Once again, remember to always been in your computer because delay is not good for my health i can die any day so you should get back to me as to forward your information to my bank so that they will transfer these funds before i die.

Thanks and Remain blessed.
Mrs Gift Clement.

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Sounds legit don't you think? I reckon I'll send it off and see what it gets me. Hey if you want to forward any of the spam you are receiving I figure you can send it to Mrs Clement in the Solomon Islands at gift_clements4@yahoo.com Gives her something to read on her death bed.

A "2 for 1" shoe sale and a brush with death.

The call came at 4:30 in the morning. It was too early for Sandeep and his band of telemarketing cronies to be calling North America, so the phone call pulling me from my state of slumber was likely important.

"My water broke- the baby is on it's way"

The voice was that of my stepdaughter.

"Broke now?" I replied "Just use some Shamwow, it'll clean it right up. It's good for cars and motorhomes but I sure a little home birthing is not out of the question. Try that first, then we can discuss this baby thing in a few hours. Hang in there keep your head up - talk to you in the morning" With that I placed the phone back in it's cradle and stumbled back to my bed.

It seemed to be mere seconds after my head hit the pillow that I was again woken up. Not by a ringing phone this time but by two hysterical females. My wife and the aforementioned pregnant stepdaughter where hurling both abuse and pointy objects at my former slumbering form.

"She's having the baby - get your NO GOOD *@#%*%! ASS OUT OF THAT BED!"

I tried to focus on the rapidly changing situation whilst dodging the missiles that where being hurled with great accuracy at my "sensitive bits".

I tried to distract my attackers by throwing fliers advertising shoe sales.



"Look over there it's a 2 for 1 sale" I gesticulated frantically at the papers I had hurled at their feet.

"Oh look at those sandals, they're so cute. I'd have to get a new dress to go with them" My stepdaughter replied.

Maybe my tactic was working, maybe I had successfully distracted my attackers. Releasing a little sigh I began to settle into the covers one more time.

"Not so fast jackass." my wife responded. It seems it would take more than a 2 for 1 sale to throw her off my scent.

"She's having the baby and you can either drive us to the hospital, or you can experience the miracle of birth - live and in technicolor here in your house."

Shuddering at the thought of orchestrating a home based birth, I rolled out of bed wincing slightly as a result my newly bruised "sensitive bits" and got dressed for the drive to the hospital.

"Before we go to the hospital" I heard my stepdaughter saying, "can we stop at the store and get some of those fabulous sandals?"

"What those," I responded, glancing disinterestedly at the 2 for 1 shoe sale flier I had thrown earlier. "Oh I wouldn't worry about that - the sale was last week"

With a speed and ferocity that is only seen on FOX "When Animals attack" specials. My stepdaughter had her hands on my throat and was trying to choke me.

My eyes raced around the room, I could see my wife coming towards me. Finally someone to help me out of my predicament.

"You're doing it all wrong dear." I heard my wife saying. "If you want to choke a man you need to put your hand here and .....

Blackness ..peace

In all seriousness now - Baby Jude was delivered in a hospital by professionals, and mother, baby and father are doing fine. I on the other hand am afraid of clowns.

The Steroid Bar at Home Depot

There are few things that raise testosterone levels in men to dangerous levels. They are in no particular order; V8 engines, womens beach volleyball , barbecues,and any home improvement project that involves power tools.

It seems to be an integral part of a "real man's" DNA to have the ability and desire, to dismantle a V8 engine , and rebuild it using parts that are constructed out of old lawnmowers. Alpha Male Mechanics will group together with others of their kind and they will spin tall tales involving rebuilt carbs, the tensile strength of carbon fiber and high performance engine modifications harnessing the power of farts to propel vehicles to unheard of speeds. Don't take my word for it, take a look on You Tube and you'll see what I am talking about.

Even though I have the necessary genitalia and genetic makeup, I can never gain entrance into this exclusive club of Alpha Male Mechanics. Their entrance requirements are quite strict. For the test this year it is an essay question on the best way to improve the torque in a '74 hemi engine. You can only use items you can find in a "real man's" glove compartment - which if you believe the test contains items such as a socket set,lubricant - know what I mean , say no more - nudge nudge wink wink - and a filleting knife. I'm guessing the correct answer is to put the filleting knife to the throat of an auto mechanic and threaten to sever a major artery unless he finds a way to improve compression in your 74 hemi. But that is just me.....

If you really want to see the hold that power tools have on males on this planet look no farther then the steroid bar that opened up at my local Home Depot. Home Depot is well known for having a huge assortment of power tools and hardware gadgetry. And we are already aware as to the supernatural pull that power tools have over men so it seemed like the natural spot to put a Steroid Bar - it's called "The Juiced Bar" - Catchy name if you ask me, which no one did.


Finally there is a place where former professional athletes can hold court and teach the up and comers all they need to know when it comes to steroids. Items that are discussed over a syringe are how to trick a urine test, and the proper etiquette when injecting your friends. "The Juiced Bar" even has workshops you can sign up for. Coming up next weekend up is "Harnessing your 'roid rage" and "Bench press your drill press".

I understand the "rage" thing as that is an emotion that I have encountered before, but I'm not clear on what a "drill press" is. I think it must be a Chippendale's dance routine.

Dude what's with Twitter?

Can someone explain to me the whole "Twitter" craze? Maybe I'm missing something but I have little desire - no scratch that - no desire to know when someone is "eating a ham sandwich", or "thinking about watching American Idol."

If you are honest with yourself, most people have nothing note worthy to say at the best of times - why do they think that their thoughts have more substance to them when published on the latest social networking site? Who is that interesting that you want to be updated via wifi connection about their every coming and going?

It was in the news recently about which celebrity had the most followers on Twitter. Ashton Kutcher's name came up several times in these articles. To build on my previous point about people not having anything news worthy to contribute to the plethora of tweets and twitters that are out there consider this;

If a celebrity's cinematic claim to fame is "Dude where's my Car?" - what makes you think that getting regular updates via Twitter will give you any more insight into their character?

Imagine for a moment that the collective twittering of planet earth would be analyzed by scientists hundreds of years from now. It has been said that you can learn much about a people through the study of their communication. What on earth would these learned men and women deduce from our nonsensical twitterings?

Ancient civilizations had items such as the "Rosetta Stone" that allowed scientists to gain valuable insight into their culture and how they lived. Scientists of tomorrow will be forced to rely on gems such as "picking up dry cleaning" and "eating marinated figs, mmh delicious" to give them insight.

If these same scientists of tomorrow get a hold of "Dude where's my Car?" I fear no good can come of it.