The Perfect Murder Weapon

I have figured out how to commit the perfect murder. Yeah you read that right, the perfect murder and there is no way those fancy CSI folks could catch you. I tell you if OJ had done this years ago he would be out there right now playing golf instead of um err...oh never mind.

I did not start out looking for ways to commit the perfect murder - the idea just came to me. Let me set the scene for you.

It was early evening and I was getting peckish, it was time to think about what I was going to have for dinner. Opening the fridge I saw the usual assortment of condiments, and left over lasagna that populate fridges in every neighborhood in North America. "Not tonight thank you" I said to the lasagna and shut the door quickly. I was tired of hearing it complain about how no one wanted it anymore.

Perhaps there was a delectable morsel in the freezer compartment of the fridge. Thinking positive thoughts, I opened up the freezer door, and that is when it happened. My eureka moment. That was when the seed for committing the perfect murder was planted.

As soon as I had opened the freezer door, a frozen pork roast decided to fall out and hit the floor with a solid THUMP! landing inches away from my feet.

My heart was pounding, adrenaline raced through my veins. I had come very close to being horribly injured in a frozen pork roast accident. I would be forced to live the remainder of my unhappy life doing Public Service Announcements about the dangers that hide in your freezer. Spot the Dangers - Thaw your meat!

I had looked death, or at least horrible disfigurement in the eyes, and it had blinked first. I thought I was invincible.

With my pulse still racing I reached down to grab the offending hunk of frozen pork. When I picked it up and felt it's weight in my hands, it was so cold and hard.

I made a few practice swings with the frozen pork roast. I envisioned how I would crush in the skull of the hapless delivery person. The frozen pork roast whistled through the air - yeah this could work. It was entirely possible to bludgeon something to death with a frozen hunk of meat, and then simply eat the murder weapon. There would be no trace bits of evidence left behind for those CSI bastards to find.



The body of my victim - hmm that may be more difficult to get rid of. Maybe I'll ship it over to North Korea so they can harvest it for organs or maybe it can be a guest judge on Dancing with the Stars. Hmmmm

Birth of the Frankenpenis

We certainly live in interesting times. Just the other day, Scientists where able to create a fully functional rabbit penis grown from penis cells harvested from one unhappy donor rabbit. Don't believe me you can read it here

My first thought after reading the article was "What the @#*&!??" We have the choice to throw money and resources at eradicating a disease, or we can play God and try to make a rabbit penis.

Seems like the learned men and women have once again made the right choice for society.

It's not like the rabbit species needs any encouragement to fornicate. We all know rabbit mothers have births that rival that of the Octomom.




I'm afraid to ask how the scientists checked to see if manufactured penis was fully functional. I read an article in the Scientific Armenian that an intern was made to dress in a Bunny suit and parade around a room full of male rabbits and their new "frankenpensises". When the rabbits caught sight of the intern, the scientists could clearly see the success of their experiment.


After the intern's interaction with the Frankenpenis -they where shown a video of the Easter Bunny. The intern was observed to get down on all fours and present their rear end to the video screen, seemingly trying to get the video image of the Easter Bunny to copulate with them. It looks like a session with the Frankenpenis has had a profound effect on all parties.

The article goes on to say that the intern is expected to make a full recovery.

One thing that is clear to me about this crazy scenario, and why the frankenpenis was so successful- is that the penis does not require any brain cells to operate. Scientists will continue to try to replicate a human brain cell but until they succeed you can expect more frankenpenises to be popping up near you......

Is that a Burrowing Owl in your bed?

Everywhere you look nowadays your eyes are assaulted by the advertising message of the current crop of environmental do gooders. Stop the seal hunt,Reduce Reuse Recycle,Save the Burrowing Owl - Save the Rainforest - Only you can save the planet! Bla Bla Bla -Baa Humbug I say to all of this.

Saving the planet sounds like an awful lot of work, and frankly I have other things to do at the moment. Do you really need my help? If you watch your local news there seems to be a veritable army of "Children of Yuppies" out there organizing bottle drives to save the rain-forest, or the Giant Panda.

If those little do gooders made more efficient use of their time and gave up little things like homework and chores, I'm positive that great progress could be made to save the planet. When the "Children of Yuppies" get organized you would not be forced rely on me - a cynical product of a consumer society - to save mankind.

I mean if I am to help save the world you would want me to give up my gas guzzling SUV and start driving a rickshaw. Um no thanks. My SUV is a symbol of my climb up the corporate ladder and my membership in the "Organization of Lemmings"

To be honest with you, my arteries are much too clogged with saturated fats for me to be able to walk up the stairs, let along operate a rickshaw. And another fact that the environmental crusaders neglect to tell you is that "Chicks" are not impressed with rickshaws.



I need to have all the trappings of excess if I am to have any success with females. Females are so impressed with shiny baubles - think De Beers Diamonds. I've spent too much time chasing that elusive cheese to have acquired any social graces, and I find that I am forced to compensate with an SUV, plasma TV, and butt lifts if I want to impress anyone.

So thank you very much, children of environmentally conscious parents - but I will neglect your offer to help save the planet. My SUV helps me get "lucky" and frankly us men are shallow like that. What good is a Burrowing Owl to you when you have fashion model in your bed?

Exactly - no further questions your honor.