Cash for Clunkers 2 - Out with the old - in with the new.

Well it seems that the Cash for Clunkers initiative that the Obama administration put in place has been a huge success. The program was designed to give consumers a cash incentive to turn in their old gas guzzling cars, for newer more efficient models. The idea is that buying these new cars will provide jobs for their neighbors, and pollute the environment less. A win win for all involved if you believe the Government press releases.

On the subject of Government press releases - I have found one from the Department for the Advancement of Feeble Thinking (DAFT) that looks like we will be seeing more of the cash for clunkers initiative. The Press release is included below:




There has been such a positive response about the "Cash for Clunkers" program that DAFT has decided to implement a Cash for Clunkers 2 program with the sole purpose of stimulating the economy.

Couples who have been legally married for a period greater than 10 years are invited to take part in this exciting Government program. Eligible couples can "trade in" their old spouse and receive up to $10,000 in tax free funds.

There are very specific requirements on how the tax free dollars can be spent. Please see subsection 2A for more details.

Subsection 2A

Government funds received through the Cash for Clunkers 2 program can only be spent to "woo" a new spouse. The money can be spent on items such as dinners out with your new love interest, theater tickets,jewelery, hotel rooms etc.

Government studies have shown that people in a new relationship report that they feel better, sleep better and most importantly they spend more money. The Cash for Clunkers 2 program is designed to take advantage of that "butterflies in your stomach" feeling that new lovers get.



There are a lot of unhappily married couples out there. Do not let that stop you from living the life you deserve. Trade in your old clunker of a spouse and get some Uncle Sam greenbacks to help you in your quest for Mr or Mrs Right.

We are expecting that the money spent on items such as jewelry, dinners and theater tickets will have a positive impact on the "luxury" industry during these tough times.

Fields such as Family Counseling, and Therapists can also expect to see an increase in their business.

Interested parties who want to take advantage of the Cash for Clunkers 2 program - please note that breast implants , and stomach stapling must be accompanied with the proper forms signed by your physician to be eligible.

The Global recession and a rise in Amish crime.

Times are tough all over. This recession that is gripping the world has not shown any favoritism. In fact even the Amish have started to complain about how it is effecting their lifestyle.

One aspect of the Amish that people are familiar with is "Barn Raising". Barn Raising happens when a large mob of able bodied Amish men armed with hammers and chewing tobacco, gather at a neighbors farm. This group of motivated Amish can construct a barn in a single afternoon. Well a combination of the global recession and large industrial scale farming operations, have hit the rural farmer hard and put a serious crimp in the amount of barns needing to be raised by the Amish.



The Amish like Wall St fat cats, know the value of diversification and they have expanded their barn raising operation to also include, the construction of the strip malls and big box stores that you find in your neighborhood. The Amish have a huge competitive advantage over other companies as they generally shun money, and prefer to be paid in denim overalls and leaf tobacco.

Unfortunately the Amish youth have not all signed on to the opportunities represented by big box store construction. Sadly there are reports that some youths have fallen into a life of Amish street crime. Police have reported gangs of Amish youths roaming the rural roads in their modified horse and buggies, looking to pounce on their Amish neighbor returning from a quilting bee, or a wayward suburbanite who stumbled unwittingly into their lair.

Police where alerted to the threat of roaming Amish gangs when they started receiving a higher than normal amount of calls dealing with overturned butter churns.



The Police have expressed concern that the violence from the Amish gangs could escalate as Mexican migrant workers are venturing further into the back roads of Pennsylvania - the very center of the Amish stronghold. The recession makes it harder for everyone to find work and survive and it is only a matter of time before these two groups meet in an epic battle.

In one corner we have the people who make sensible furniture - and I don't mean IKEA, versus the people who make a tasty tortilla - and I don't mean Taco Bell. The battle when it comes will be legendary.

Are you smarter than a microwave oven?

I fear that if mankind continues down our current path, in a few short years the cognitive ability of mankind will be superseded by simple household appliances such as the coffeemaker or microwave. We are going to wake up one morning and find ourselves being ruled over by a programmable toaster.

Let’s consider the facts shall we;

Computers chips are getting smaller and more technologically advanced. An article in the Scientific Armenian stated that the computer chip in the programmable egg timers of today, is in fact more powerful then the computer chip that was used during the entire “Race for Space” in the 1960’s. Computers in their early years where housed in warehouses and where serviced by teams of scientists scuttling here and there in an attempt to diagnose the chirps and beeps emitting from the steam belching behemoths.

Fast forward a few decades and we can see that computers have made much bigger advancements than mankind has. Consider how the Blackberry has spread it's influence though society. It is now considered a vital accessory to any successful business person. The field of medicine has made huge steps forward thanks to computers as well. Computers now allow for the improved acquisition, display and analysis of radionuclide data that is used in Nuclear Medicine.

The speed at which technology is advancing makes your head spin.

What advancements can mankind speak of? – Ladies and Gentlemen let me present mankind’s crowning glory – “Cheese in a Can” and Reality TV.



A steady diet of either of aforementioned items and your brain is sure to atrophy and shrivel up to the size of a raisin. Don’t believe me? Try this experiment and for fun use your spouse as the “control”



Watch back to back episodes of Rock of Love whilst dining on an aerosol propelled “cheese” like product. If you find yourself saying either of the following phrases – “Hey this cheese like product is tasty and delicious” or “Rock of Love is such a touching drama it's like how Daddy met Momma”

Do not pass Go or collect $200 but hitch a ride on public transit – it’s obvious you should not be driving in your condition - and kindly ask the nice Bus driver person to run the wheels of their bus over your head repeatedly until you are dead.

If on the other hand you find yourself gagging at both the “Cheese” like product and Rock of Love – go forth and procreate. Copulate, copulate copulate. This is your duty as a reasonably intelligent human being . Spread your genes. It is only the speed of your sperm and fertility of your eggs that will save mankind from a thankless existence paying homage to a waffle maker.