If you look at the calendar you would see that Summer has officially arrived. I live in Canada and Summer is a traditionally busy time of year for everyone up here. Our igloos have all melted forcing us to become a nomadic people scrounging for food and shelter.
This time of year in Canada is known as "Canadian Seasonal Forced Colonization". Even just a few dozen years ago the seasonal nomadic activities of all Canadians was a time of heightened dangers. With our family homes having disintegrated under the rays of the summer sun we where well and truly exposed to the elements. Polar Bears roamed the lands feeding on sick and elderly Canadians, while packs of Christian Missionaries converted all of those who could not out run the bible thumping "do gooders".
If you where able to elude the bears and evangelists, most Canadians headed to US - Canada border where huge tent cities would seemingly appear overnight. People would cluster near the border in the hopes of pulling a wayward wifi,or television signal out of the air. With the new Digital Television requirements in the US, this has forced many of the Canadian tent cities to rely on books and newspapers - shudder - for their information.
Access to the Internet is a much sought after commodity during the migratory period of Canadians. Every year a black market springs up with people paying outlandish prices for the privilege to update their Facebook status. There is a rumor circulating in the tent city where I am,that Angelina Jolie Pitt traded a wireless network card for somebodies 4 year old.
I for one am grateful that this period of forced migration is simply temporary. In a few weeks when the temperature begins to drop again,me and my fellow Canadians will pack up our meager belongings, fight off the bands of bears and missionaries, and make our way back to our traditional hunting grounds. There is a lot of competition in regards to getting the most desirable spot for your igloo. I think I will start my trip back sooner than the rest of the camp. I have my eyes on a prime piece of real estate - it is right between the Starbucks and The Beer Store.
6 comments:
It is tough when your home melts once a year and you have to migrate as far south as you can. But with summer comes a great Canadian delicacy: barbequed Caribo.
I like to lure the missionaries to polar bear territory starts(just north of Windsor), cut them just enough to make them bleed and feed the bears.
Then I take their skins to stretch over old woolly mammoth tusks for my summer shelter.
The missionaries see that and run!
Unicorn - I usually treat myself in the summer and put caribou on my poutine - mmm delicious
Mike - skinning missionaries - now that is some good thinking. Your ability to thrive in such a hard environment with limited resources surely makes you good breeding stock - hey ladies give him a call
There is a perk to this high demand for the internet (for me anyways, as I am alergic to the internet and thus forced to enjoy getting my news the old fashioned way) - you can get a newspaper just about anywhere. They give them away at coffee shops, doctors offices, restaurants - check it out they are just laying around.
I remember one of the most bizarre articles was a request that all newspapers be sold with a wet nap to clean up your hands after you have read.
There is a perfect Sunday morning, coffee, the Gobe and Mail, and a lemon scented wet nap.
From one Canuck to another, I'm proud of you man! You done real good describing the harsh realities of Canadian living :D
I'm surprised Madonna hasn't popped in one of these camps to get herself a baby..Well perhaps next year...Just a question which does more damage to you poor souls the missionaries or the polar bears?
Great story..LMAO
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