Where in the @#*# is Osama Bin Laden?

It's been several years now since George Dubya declared a jihad on Osama Bin Laden's head. Other then the occasional low budget video rant we have seen nothing from the elusive Bin Laden. As a public service I have decided to include some evidence that was provided to me from Government sources that could help narrow the hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

These are the facts and they are undisputed.

Osama is an older man of 52 years having being born in 1957 in the back of a Saudi Arabian city bus. US Government studies show that members of that specific demographic favor recreational activities such as Casinos and wine tours not running Jihads. Perhaps Osama has finally decided to put down his Kalashnikov and seek out the simpler pursuits?

I submit as evidence a grainy Government photo taken Aug 2008 which allegedly shows Osama Bin Laden and an unidentified companion playing a vigorous game of lawn bowling.



This picture would certainly add fuel to the fire of those who believe Osama has moved on to a life of leisure. Looking at the photo it seems to me, an untrained observer that Osama has a freakishly large head.

Perhaps Osama has taken up residence in a large urban center such as Las Vegas or Miami Beach which could fulfill all his entertainment needs. My initial thought is Osma is not going to settle someplace like Las Vegas. Las Vegas has too much going on to stimulate his senses. Too many lights, too many sounds and too many partially clad showgirls. All of these things add up to sensory overload for anyone who has spent anytime living in a damp hole in the ground.

Several government agencies have reported seeing him on several cruise ships dominating at the shuffleboard court.

It's true that I have never organized a Jihad before, but I would imagine to run a successful Jihad you would require a Hi speed internet connection. Seeing as the frozen hinterlands of the lawless Afghanistan/Pakistan border lack a reliable wi-fi connection I'm confident that we can cross those locations off the list of places where Osama can be found.

Now there is one item that I was made aware of through my connections at DAFT (Department for the Advancement of Feeble Thinking) which is not common knowledge about Osama Bin Laden. My source states that Osama is never far from his trusty camel "Stuttgart". Now most jurisdictions have specific bylaws that restrict the type of animal a home owner can have on their property. One area of the country that is extremely lax in regards to this is Las Vegas. Celebrities like Sigfried and Roy have lived for years with their brood of white tigers, and Celine Dion has a family of beavers living in her guest house. It's quite common to see people like Tom Jones walking their exotic pets early Sunday morning en route to Starbucks.

In his latest video tape Osama can be seen ranting and raving about how Susan Boyle was robbed at the finals of Britain has talent. His latest frothing at the mouth outburst, can only come from someone who is plugged into popular culture through cable tv or the use of websites like You Tube.

I'm beginning to think that Uncle Sam needs to go to Vegas and poke around there - all the evidence seems to be pointing to the fact that you can find Osama on the Vegas Strip.

Father's Day on a high speed connection.

I was out of the house early this morning before anyone else got up. I know today was Father's Day and I was probably ruining a little boy's plans by leaving early but I had to close the Paterson deal if I wanted to keep putting food on the table and a Lexus in the driveway. My son Josh could always get therapy - paid for through my company benefits if my leaving early had a negative impact on his life.

My drive into work went smoothly. There was less traffic then usual at this early hour. I know in a few hours the highways and city streets would be plugged with car loads of guilt ridden offspring ferrying dear old dad to a greasy spoon diner for breakfast, or to the golf course for an early morning tee off.

When I arrived at work I could see that I was the first one here, even my boss Mr Weeds had not made it in yet. Mr. Weeds was a notorious workaholic and made promotions based on how big the bags under your eyes where.

I had been working at the head office of Fleece Uncouth Cockman and Knight (FUCK) for over 15 years now. I had all the trappings of a successful executive. The large house with the well manicured lawn in the 'burbs, the obligatory Lexus in my driveway, a distant and alcoholic wife and a son and daughter who where raised by nannies and Dr Phil. Yeah if you listen to corporate America I had made it.

I suppose there are those of you out there that think I should feel bad for missing an overcooked breakfast prepared by my children. To you I say this, with the surge in technological advancements and electronic doo dads out there on the market place it's now easier than ever before to connect with your children from the office.



Today on Father's Day it's true that I missed getting woken up by my children as they offered me a plate of burnt offerings, but I can turn on my webcam here at work and see the children as they tip toe into my room to shower me with Ties and Macaroni Art. Later while I prepare for the business meeting I can get regular Twitter updates - tweets I believe they are called, about what is happening at my breakfast table. "We're having pancakes" and "Mom can't find the corkscrew" It'll be just like being there. Thanks to technology I can experience Father's Day with my family from my prestigious corner office at Fleece Uncouth Cockman and Knight.

When I finally close the Paterson deal we'll upgrade our wireless plan to include unlimited texting so we can stay even closer as a family - OMG LOL

My ship has finally come in....

Well tonight when I logged in to get my email I was happy to see that I had been chosen by some wealthy Solomon Island native to be showered with gold rupees ,pesos or drachmas (not sure what the currency is in the Solomon Island) but never the less my ship has finally come in. I have included below my lucky email along with my responses (in bold) to my new benefactor.




======================================================================================
Mrs Gift Clement
From Solomon Island
Avenue 8450

Hello my dear ,

This message might come to you as a supprised. I am Mrs Gift Clement from Solomon Island. I am married to Mr.Clement William from UK who worked in UK Embassy in GUINEE for nine years before he died in the year 2000.

We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

I am sorry that my current lifestyle has little similarity to the one shared by you and the former Mr. Clement William. I am a practicing Satanist currently under house arrest. I was found responsible for killing and dismembering several spammers. The people who send you emails about Penis size and Nigerian Bank accounts. Not the people who have acquired a taste for the canned meat


Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. Pshaw - the bible is so last years news. If you want a book that will change your life - subscribe to TV Guide.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5 Million in a bank recently, my DOCTOR told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church,organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in.

I want a Muslim or church,organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of Allah/God is maintained. --That fact I am a convicted murderer of spammers has made me an honored citizen in most US states, so it should bode well for meeting your criteria for being a "good person"

I have little desire to get an orphan as I am neither a celebrity or a member of Hollywood's elite. I'm not familiar with either the house of God, or Allah for that matter, but the house of Dave could do with a makeover. I will send you photos of my home reno after I have received your check.

l took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not good at all because they are the one that killed my husband in other to have all my late husband prperties and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in badly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that "the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace".

I'm not sure about the Lord fighting the good fight for you - but according to Perez Hilton.com the Jonas brothers are really just holographic images designed by a Wall St marketing firm to appeal to the valuable tween demographic. Sorry I interrupted, you where saying...Please go on.....

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund.

I want you and the Muslim or church or other organization to always pray for me because the almighty is my shephard.
Speaking of shepherds...that reminds me of a joke I heard once. "Why did God invent women?" "Because sheep can't cook" BADA BING!

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.Please never disclose this convenant to anyone ok.

I won't disclose our correspondence but I may post it on my blog - I imagine that would be ok eh?

I will need the below information to enable me forward it to my bank so that they will contact you immediately:-

(1) Your complete names - my friends call me Dave but I am thinking of changing it to one of the lesser known elements from the periodic table. Caesium has a nice ring to it I think.

(2)Your house address I'm currently living out of a VW van parked at the corner of Bridge and Maple. It's the rust colored one. Just knock and I'll let you in.

(3).Company name if any. Former CEO of GM

(4).Private telephone number I'm living in a F*&^%$ VW van- do you think I have a phone or fax?

(5) Private fax number you're starting to annoy me with all your questions

(6) Private email address --I'm warning you.

(7) Your brief profile - I'm a very angry convicted murderer who is upset over the fact that your questions are revealing deficiencies in my life. I'm a 30 something year old man living in a van - without a phone or fax???

(8) Your Photograph - Take a look on Interpol for a recent photo

(9) Your bank account. I had all my money in real estate that is why I'm now living in a van.


Please do keep the confidential of this transaction for my funds security reason otherwise i will look for another perosn right? Once again, remember to always been in your computer because delay is not good for my health i can die any day so you should get back to me as to forward your information to my bank so that they will transfer these funds before i die.

Thanks and Remain blessed.
Mrs Gift Clement.

=====================================================================================

Sounds legit don't you think? I reckon I'll send it off and see what it gets me. Hey if you want to forward any of the spam you are receiving I figure you can send it to Mrs Clement in the Solomon Islands at gift_clements4@yahoo.com Gives her something to read on her death bed.

A "2 for 1" shoe sale and a brush with death.

The call came at 4:30 in the morning. It was too early for Sandeep and his band of telemarketing cronies to be calling North America, so the phone call pulling me from my state of slumber was likely important.

"My water broke- the baby is on it's way"

The voice was that of my stepdaughter.

"Broke now?" I replied "Just use some Shamwow, it'll clean it right up. It's good for cars and motorhomes but I sure a little home birthing is not out of the question. Try that first, then we can discuss this baby thing in a few hours. Hang in there keep your head up - talk to you in the morning" With that I placed the phone back in it's cradle and stumbled back to my bed.

It seemed to be mere seconds after my head hit the pillow that I was again woken up. Not by a ringing phone this time but by two hysterical females. My wife and the aforementioned pregnant stepdaughter where hurling both abuse and pointy objects at my former slumbering form.

"She's having the baby - get your NO GOOD *@#%*%! ASS OUT OF THAT BED!"

I tried to focus on the rapidly changing situation whilst dodging the missiles that where being hurled with great accuracy at my "sensitive bits".

I tried to distract my attackers by throwing fliers advertising shoe sales.



"Look over there it's a 2 for 1 sale" I gesticulated frantically at the papers I had hurled at their feet.

"Oh look at those sandals, they're so cute. I'd have to get a new dress to go with them" My stepdaughter replied.

Maybe my tactic was working, maybe I had successfully distracted my attackers. Releasing a little sigh I began to settle into the covers one more time.

"Not so fast jackass." my wife responded. It seems it would take more than a 2 for 1 sale to throw her off my scent.

"She's having the baby and you can either drive us to the hospital, or you can experience the miracle of birth - live and in technicolor here in your house."

Shuddering at the thought of orchestrating a home based birth, I rolled out of bed wincing slightly as a result my newly bruised "sensitive bits" and got dressed for the drive to the hospital.

"Before we go to the hospital" I heard my stepdaughter saying, "can we stop at the store and get some of those fabulous sandals?"

"What those," I responded, glancing disinterestedly at the 2 for 1 shoe sale flier I had thrown earlier. "Oh I wouldn't worry about that - the sale was last week"

With a speed and ferocity that is only seen on FOX "When Animals attack" specials. My stepdaughter had her hands on my throat and was trying to choke me.

My eyes raced around the room, I could see my wife coming towards me. Finally someone to help me out of my predicament.

"You're doing it all wrong dear." I heard my wife saying. "If you want to choke a man you need to put your hand here and .....

Blackness ..peace

In all seriousness now - Baby Jude was delivered in a hospital by professionals, and mother, baby and father are doing fine. I on the other hand am afraid of clowns.