Environmental Tips for the Every Man

Anyone out there with one of those boxes with the moving pictures on it, is familiar with Al Gore and his crusade against Global Warming through his movie "An Inconvenient Truth". He has been the poster boy for saving the world ever since that movie came out. I recently saw the Leonardo DiCaprio and Stephan Hawking movie called "The 11th Hour" It deals with the current global environmental mess we find ourselves in. I do recommend that everyone see the movie so you are informed of the situation. On the subject of the movie I thought I'd insert a comment on Stephan Hawking. The man is a genius to the nth degree but he sure as hell can't act. All his performances look wooden and lifeless. You mailed this one in Stephan. Get your money back from those acting classes.



Movies of the "An Inconvenient Truth" and "11th Hour" ilk always cause me to reflect on what I can do to stem the tide of an imminent disaster. The power of One and all that. I'm not going to sell my car, and boycott all plastic based products. But what changes can I make to my life that will help the world? It was that very question that prompted me to provide the following list of environmentally friendly tips for people who don't want to be inconvenienced.

1. Don't Cut your lawn - green grass will absorb some of the pollutants in the air. Not as much as the rain forest but every bit helps. Don't get envious of your neighbors well manicured lawn - know that in your heart you are the better person by doing your part to save the planet, and they will spend eternity screaming in the pits of hell.

2. Methane is a prime contributor to green house gases, so if you feel the urge to fart, pass gas, break wind whatever you may call it, may I suggest the following environmentally friendly option. Take a glass jar, place it on your buttocks and trap the offending gas in the container. Screw on the air tight cap. It is important that the jars are LABELED APPROPRIATELY and placed in a secure area. Sit back and relax. With this one small step, you are saving dangerous methane gas from escaping into the environment and also recycling glass jars

3. Biofuels - the latest buzz word in the field of energy. The energy from corn or algae can be used to power your house. So delay cleaning your aquarium, let the algae grow and flourish. In only a few weeks you'll be able to harvest the algae, and surf for porn with no carbon footprint.

4. Send your leftover meatloaf to Sudan. North Americans waste so much food, while others are eating dirt in order to survive. Now you can help your fellow man. Instead of scraping the leftovers into the trash - call up one of those "overnight guaranteed" shipping companies such as Fed Ex or UPS, and schedule overnight delivery of your meatloaf to Jafar in Sudan.

This method is also a good way of dealing with the fruit cake you are sure to get over the holidays. Fruit Cake by it's very construction can be sent by regular mail and is not necessary to spend extra postage for overnight delivery.

Involuntary Muscle Control and you.

Involuntary muscle control - to explain this in it's simplest form is muscles in the body that we do not control consciously. Muscles such as the pupils in our eyes, the muscles involved in breathing and of course the sphincter.

This idea of involuntary muscle control in the body, has become so routine for us that it does not even seem worth mentioning, but consider for a moment if one day you had to consciously control the muscles in your body that you currently do on autopilot. What effect would that have on your day to day exist?

I'm being honest here but I think if I had to consciously control my sphincter at all moments of the day, I 'm sure to mess my pants with great regularity. A lot of problems come up in the course of the day that demand all my attention, and as we know the sphincter does not like to be ignored. You can imagine the scene, your boss comes up to you and asks for your opinion on the company 3rd quarter numbers, you glance down at the sheet and try to make sense of the jumble of numbers and for that one short instant you lost control of your sphincter. Chaos ensues.

You think being at work would be bad, but imagine your commute. There are a lot of things happening on the road that require our full attention. Having your full attention on the road means you're not concentrating on your sphincter, I'm sure you know the rest.

So take a moment and stop whatever you are doing, and say a silent pray to St.Cloaca, the patron saint of sphincters. Thank him for his continued attention to detail.

Power tools are not my friends.

After this past weekend I vow never to touch a table saw or do any DIY household improvements again. The prognosis from the doctor was positive and he thinks that I should be able to live a perfectly normal life with a new Orangutan arm.

Yeah, you read that right , an orangutan arm. Orangutan's are renown for their climbing ability so when the stitches come out I'm looking forward to showing off at the rock climbing wall down the street. Finding a shirt that fits is difficult now as one arm is a good 6 inches longer than the other one but we all have to make sacrifices.

How did I come to need an Orangutan arm stitched on to me? Good question. I'll clear up the confusion.

Last weekend when I was nearing the bottom of my "Honey Do" list,the last slip of paper I pulled out had one simple request on it. "Replace broken boards in the fence" Finally something I could handle. My DIY skills where limited to vacuuming and taking the garbage out - but replace fence boards - pshaw how hard could it be?

Going down to the basement I pulled out a few boards that would suit my purposes. It was simply a matter of measuring , twice and cutting once, and running the boards through the table saw and I could expect to be done shortly after.

I started up the saw and it burst into action with an uncharacteristic high pitched whine. Hmm that's odd I thought, no matter, I only had to make few cuts, then I could shut the saw off, and have it sit in a state of inaction for another 6 months before I needed it again.


It was only when the first few cuts where made, that I realized that something was wrong. As soon as the saw teeth bit into the board, the saw blade wobbled dangerously. I assumed, wrongly, that it was merely my eyes playing tricks on me, so I soldiered on cutting the board. Let me insert here a simple note about ensuring all table saws be thoroughly checked prior to starting for any defects or loose bolts. The saw blade continued to bite into the board, no problems, but suddenly the blade hit a knot in the wood. There was a loud KLANG! and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room with my new primate arm.

I talked to the paramedic who found my arm, he stated that he had had several cases of people injuring themselves on the exact same ACME Table Saw model that I used. Who knew that ACME did not have quality products? The model I had was apparently ACME's first venture into the industrial paper shredder market, and was not suited to handle anything tougher then 15 sheets of paper.

The Orangutan arm was a lucky coincidence if you listen to the paramedic tell the tale. Apparently shortly after I arrived at the hospital there was a large accident involving several trucks from the traveling Circus. The Orangutan truck got the worst of the accident and in the confusion an organ donor card was wrongly associated with "Gyppo" the Orangutan. Once my surgeon had put the call out for a donor arm, the carnage at the circus accident was being cleaned up, and they where able to find a suitable donor arm for me.

I've been warned to expect a few side effects with my new arm,increased climbing ability was one, as well as the need to throw my feces at bystanders. They gave me pills to hopefully control the bouts of poo flinging so I'm expecting to be back at work on Monday.

What not to say when on a date.

The world of dating is fraught with many perils. I am happy to say that I have put the dating world behind me and moved into the "happily ever after world" if you believe the Hallmark marketing people. But even though I am not part of the dating scene I wanted to provide as a public service announcement some of the things you should not say during a date. Feel free to print out the list and use it as a reference guide during your next speed dating episode.


Things not to say during courtship:

1. "The Doctor says it's not contagious"

2. "This ankle bracelet itches"

3. "Is it ok that I brought my kids along? I could not find a sitter."

4. "I live at home with my mom"

5. "This crack is making me jittery"

6. "What's an HIV test?"

7. "Did you see me last week on Springer?"

8. "The judge said my ex had it coming to him, and deserved everything he got"

9. "Lorenna Bobbit - my hero"

10. "Did you fart?"

11. "I'm hung like a grape"


Got any more that need to be added to the list? The dating public need useful resources like these to help them find true love or at least get a quickie.

The Bad Boss Gene

In this age of gene manipulation and DNA testing wouldn't it be a great step forward for mankind when we can test for the "Bad Boss Gene". This is the gene that makes your boss irrational and prone to changing the rules and expectations at a moment's notice. Bosses who have a deep seated resentment to anyone that they have to pay and doesn't agree to work for free, are also classic indicators of this gene being present.

I'll pause here for a moment so you can consider your current working situation, does your boss exhibit any of these signs? It's also important to remember that these are just a few of the common symptoms. Other symptoms that have been reported are shortened lunch breaks, and mandatory overtime. Scientists feel that the "mandatory overtime" strand is seen as a key indicator on the presence of a dominant version of the "Bad Boss Gene"

Knowing that your boss has the "Bad Boss Gene" and will be unable to change his/her behavior, may motivate you to update your resume.


A small start up company who pays homage to "Dilbert" with it's company name, "Pointy Headed Boss Detector" have seen the need for just this service. Their advertisements state that all they need to test for the Bad Boss Gene is a strand of hair, some saliva etc. Their kit comes complete with cotton swabs, an airtight container that you can ship the sample back to them in (they even pay the postage) and a series of tips and tricks for getting a sample from your boss without him or her knowing.

Some of the suggestions for getting a sample are definitely easier to do than others:

Offer to take his suit in for dry cleaning - prior to dropping the suit off at dry cleaners, pluck few loose hairs off the collar for testing.

Offer to refill his coffee cup - before you refill it, brush the rim of the cup with the aforementioned cotton swab and send in for testing.

After hours shake your bosses computer keyboard upside down. - Any particles of left over lunch or skin cells will fall out, all of which can be used to see whether or not your boss has the "Bad Boss Gene"

There is another example that seems a bit extreme for my liking, it involves a candlelight dinner, copious amounts of wine and some Rohypnol.

Have you seen other symptoms exhibited? How have you been successful in getting a sample of your bosses DNA without them knowing?

Transplant or Take Out?

A leading professor at Winston College in London is breeding pigs that will be used to provide organs for humans. Apparently at the genetic level there is not much difference between man - the species - and pigs.

The whole idea of organ donation from barnyard animals does cause the brain to overheat trying to deal with the implications. But just think for a moment when scientists are finally able to successfully complete a back bacon or pork ribs transplant to humans. That one successful transplant is sure to open up a whole new market in the Chinese organ harvesting industry. Currently Chinese prisoners - or members of the Falun Gong religious sect, are harvested for their livers , and hearts etc, these organs are rushed to a "worthy recipient" - i.e some law abiding citizen who's check cleared.

With a successful pork rib transplant, prisoner's body parts could be sold to big restaurant chains - think about Appleby's, The Keg, Montana's the sky is the limit.

Though truth be told, if word ever leaks out about this practice, restaurants are sure to see an initial decline in their "All You Can Eat" rib nights.

People will overcome their disgust, and restaurants will see an increase in profits. Honestly pig ribs, or prisoner ribs - when you cover them in barbecue sauce - they're all so delicious.

Overprotective Parents need to stay away from their kids.

You can't swing a dead cat - or a baby seal, without hitting an overly protective parent and their fragile offspring. These are the parents who insisted on the rubber safety surface at the playground so little Ashley does not get a skinned knee. The people who insist that little Justin wears a bike helmet when he's cruising the sidewalk in their gated community. I ask you - What pray tell is a small piece of plastic strapped to little Justin's noggin going to do, when the SUV driven by a drunk and very distraught day trader, swerves across the road into his path? But I digress...

Kids and people, learn and grow through trial and error. You only had to lick the stove element once - ok maybe twice, to see that it really would burn you. Part of learning to ride a bike was falling off - swearing under your breath - and getting back on the bike. It was only after your knees and elbows where bruised, bloody and resembling ground beef that you finally where able to master that whole balance thing. Your bloodied elbows where signs to everyone that you overcame the obstacles and conquered that damn two wheeled monster - the bicycle.



Kids today are not allowed to get skinned knees - see previous example about cushioned safety surfaces - there are no "losers" in school competitions anymore. Parents drive their children the three blocks to school in their pollution belching SUV's for fear little Mary gets hit by a stray asteroid. (Now if Mary was wearing her bike helmet to school she would not have to worry about any silly asteroids.) Overly protective parents have been known to not serve solid food until their children have their own permanent teeth. When will the madness end?

Life will come along and make us skin our collective knees - that is what it does. You cannot stop that - you can only grow from it and learn. You are doing your kids a disservice if you don't let them stick their finger in a light socket. Hey Dr. Phil recommends it so it must be good parenting. Was it Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer who mentioned that? No matter - we all know TV does not lie.....