From the Christmas Vault

With the appearance of both Jesus and Santa Claus likely to occur in a matter of days. I wanted to dredge out a few Christmas themed posts from the archives for you to enjoy.

The first link is to the story behind the "Nativity Story"

The Real Nativity Story

And the other link is to an old standby here at Out of the Mouth of Dave it's a cherry little cartoon I drew a few years ago in an attempt to capture the holiday season.

King of the Elves

Enjoy all the holiday has to offer and be sure to wish those Politically Correct bastards out there a Merry Christmas!

-Dave

Sir Bob Geldof and the Haitian Refugees

2010 has been a tough year for most people but none more that the poor downtrodden Hollywood Celebrity.

A few of the more notable "celebrities" to move into the proverbial poorhouse are as follows:

Nicolas Cage - $6 Million in unpaid taxes, recently filed for bankruptcy

Pamela Anderson - her and her breasts have over $500,000 in unpaid taxes

MC Hammer - over $13 Million in debts and filed for bankruptcy

Mike Tyson - $13.4 Million in unpaid taxes

Willie Nelson - $16.7 Million in unpaid taxes

The list goes on and on....

So what can we do about the food stamp reliant celebrity?

Sir Bob Geldof, the man behind Band Aid, Live Aid and Live 8 is back with yet another money raising show. This one is called Oscar Aid



I think this time Sir Bob has pulled off a masterful public relations stunt.

The show will happen Jan 1 - the pinnacle of the holiday/ festive season. A time when people are still pretending to care about their fellow man and are apt to dig deep for the chance to help some of Hollywood's most famous people.

The true piece of Sir Bob's genius is the fact that the featured choir at the festival will be made up solely of Cholera infected Haitian refugees.



That's right the children whose parents where mashed and mangled in the 2010 Haiti Earthquake are back to sing for celebrities and deep pocketed donors.

I've had a chance to see a promotional video that Sir Bob sent out and I can tell you that when you see the Haitian refugee children standing under the lights, their distended bellies moving and swaying to the beat, you too will feel compelled to grab your VISA card and call the operators who are standing by.

It would seem that the recent cholera outbreak in Haiti had more side effects than just watery diarrhea and vomiting. That group of cholera ridden refugees standing on the stage sing like angels.

Sir Bob is even talking about taking the refugees on the road. Crossing the country to raise money for celebrities who are forced to wear "off the rack" clothes. The concert will surely leave a trail of happy concert goers and fresh cholera infestations in it's wake.

TSA "Fantasy" patdowns coming soon.

I'm sure by now everyone is aware of the whole TSA screening debacle. Let me summarize for those who are not- Minimum wage TSA employees have been accused of groping travelers. Running their hands over women's breasts and touching male travelers "junk". All this press has had a negative impact on the TSA and put a bad taste in the air travelers mouth.

Late night talk show hosts now joke about going to the airport for a "quickie". The TSA should take the bull by the proverbial horns and mine this publicity goldmine for all it's worth.

I propose that the TSA hire celebrity look a likes to pat down air travelers. What woman would refuse to have Johnny Depp run his hands over her breasts? and what man is going to refuse having Pamela Anderson touch his junk? Exactly, none!

The setup would be similar to what you see in brothels. Upon entering the security area there would be a line up of candidates to pat you down. A smorgasbord or buffet if you please.

The women, and even some of the men I suppose, could choose to be patted down/ groped by Brad Pitt, or George Clooney and there would always be a seething , teeming mass of teenage girls for the Justin Bieber look a like.



For the men, the line up for the large breasted, mini skirt wearing schoolgirl, would always be a long one regardless of when you fly. But if you plan your itinerary correctly, it could be possible to get your junk groped by a Kim Kardashian or Scarlet Johnannsen look a like prior to departing for that important sales meeting or family reunion.

There of course would be no additional fee for this service as it is already included in your exorbitant ticket price.

I guess it's possible that more people may start flying, and the line ups would get even longer at the airport. And I suppose you may also have those people who deliberately have contraband taped to their body in the hopes that they will be pulled over for a more "intimate session" with their fantasy TSA agent.

Oh and for all our Muslim friends, the TSA has applied a liberal dose of irony. If you are a member of the Muslim faith the TSA has deemed it appropriate that you are groped by Salman Rushdie.

This certainly looks like it will be a very interesting holiday travel season.

The Good News behind Childhood Obesity

People say that every cloud has a silver lining and the gray cloud of rising childhood obesity is no exception. How can an increase in number of obese children have any positive impact at all? Allow me to explain.

The spike in childhood obesity is due to the fact that kids today are much more sedentary than previous generations. Kids now play video games instead of road hockey, they spend their days "tweeting" and "Facebooking" instead of building tree forts and playing "Cowboys and Native American Casino Owners".

Of course this sedentary lifestyle means that our kids are packing on the pounds especially when you add in the high fat, high sugar snack foods they gorge on during their all night sessions of World of Warcraft.

So with all this going on where the hell is the silver lining?

Well you see it's quite simple really - Pedophiles don't like fat kids!

A controversial Vatican based research program studied the habits of pedophiles and found out that the vast majority of pedophiles do not find pudgy, portly, obese children attractive at all.

This ground breaking research study shows that pedophiles are not much different than ourselves - other than the fact they have sex with children - but pedophiles like a partner who takes care of themselves and hasn't gone to pot with love handles and beer bellies at the age of twelve.

What is today's parent supposed to do with this information? Should they continue to keep their children safe inside away from pedophiles and have them gorge on Cheetos knowing that childhood diabetes is not far away? Or should they throw out the X boxes and video games and force their children play outside at the mercy of the roving gangs of pedophiles?

Playing outside sounds crazy but kids used to do it years ago. My suggestion is to throw out the X Boxes and video games. To protect their children against pedophiles they can simply not have their children go anywhere near any of the following;
Priests, Sport Coaches, Cub Scout Leaders, Barbers, Butchers, Candlestick makers....

Oh yeah as a final safety measure any truly loving parent should buy their children a Glock 9. Nothing says "I Love you" like a handgun.