Achieving Immortality through snack foods

"I pledge allegiance to our Twinkie overlord. May his creamy filling and flaky goodness continue to flourish. Amen"

That's what they will be saying soon about me - just you wait and see.

I am writing this latest post from within the comfy confines of my ACME brand hermetically sealed bubble. The media has stirred us up to a level of hysteria not seen since the infamous Princess Diana and Mother Theresa pictorial in Playboy.

Swine Flu is everywhere. The death of mankind is imminent! Civilization will be wiped out leaving nothing but cockroaches and Twinkies to dance on our corpses!

I ask you this - how the hell did Twinkies get everlasting life? Everlasting life is the mythical holy grail that is sought after by Celebrities and the obscenely rich.

You would think that whomever invented the Twinkie knew about the lifesaving properties of this delicious snack food. Could that scientist have injected some of that irresistible creamy filling into their veins in their quest to become a God? I shudder at the thought.

I'm sure right now there is a secret society where members of the global elite get together once a year to inject themselves with the "nectar of the Twinkie" to ensure immortality.

I lack the technology to successfully inject "Twinkie Nectar" into my veins. But I plan to gorge on them non stop in the hopes that my molecular structure will change to that of a Twinkie.

It's been three weeks since I started my feast on Twinkies and it's unclear whether I have been successful in achieving immortality. The irony is it would take a global catastrophe for me to recognize my success. In the meantime I will stay here in my hermetically sealed bubble, and eagerly watch as the news reports show the destruction of mankind. State by state, country by country.

It is only when the TV station finally goes off the air, that I will emerge from my cocoon and show the remaining cockroaches that I am their GOD!

Oh they will worship me or I will have them all whipped....

Government Agency gives hope to parents of bratty children

Parents wash daughters mouth out with soap and get arrested!

The media is full of stories like these. Stories of parents who use "tough love" techniques in an attempt to discipline their brood of foul mouthed malcontents. These stories never end well for the parents involved. They are usually dragged off to work in a chain gang as a result of an anonymous call to the authorities from a "concerned citizen".

Perhaps you are a parent of a foul mouthed malcontent, or maybe you work with one. Well you can now rest easy knowing that Big Brother has officially entered the child discipline business.

I'm not talking about a Dick Cheney approved Water Boarding kit for little Billy, but rather a 1- 800 number that has been set up for parents to call to get guidance on disciplining their own children.

If we believe the Government's literature on this program they state;

"Parents who are afraid to discipline their children for fear of being arrested can now speak to a certified child law expert. Our experts will let concerned parents know the appropriate level of discipline they can administer for each specific situation."

"Let the punishment fit the crime"
"This hurts me more then it hurts you"
"Spare the rod and spoil the child"

"These are not just phrases from days gone by, but they are an integral part of this departments approach and mandate when it comes to our nation's children"



They have a sample list of appropriate disciplinary responses for some of the more common scenarios. I have included a few below.

Situation: Child throws tantrum in large department store - out of sight of both concerned citizens and security cameras.

Response: Spank the child - place offending party over your knee and strike buttocks firmly until child repents.

Situation: Child throws tantrum in large department store in front of a camera crew from the local TV station.

Response: Hug the offending party - rub their back or head in a reassuring way - make sure the camera crew sees you being such a good parent. Under your breath tell the child that you will be opening up a good old fashioned can o' whoop ass when you get home.



Hmm this is interesting - in the fine print at the bottom of all the legal mumbo jumbo I saw this phrase...

"The techniques and methods applied here are property of the US Government and Guantanamo Bay Naval Base and can not be modified or altered without the written consent of Richard Cheney"

Big Brother - always looking out for our best interests.

Scientists create the Woman of the future.

These are exciting times we live in. I just read in the latest issue of "The Scientific Armenian" that scientists have created the woman of the future. The same people who brought us Dolly the Sheep now bring us the Six Breasted Woman.

Now before you send me any nasty emails - let me explain how and why scientists developed this woman of the future.

More and more women are going in for fertility treatment to enable them to have a child. In the olden days - the 1970's - there where few occurrences of people having twins and even fewer triplets. Sure you would see twins out and about in society, but they where considered a social oddity similar to that sideshow staple the bearded lady.

Now thanks to the latest fertility drugs, having twins is as common as microwave popcorn. Yawn. Hoo Hum Bla Bla Bla

Mothers of today are having litters of babies. Four kids, 5 kids and even 8 bouncing babies are all examples of a normal birth now a days.

Well the mothers of yesteryear where cursed by Mother Nature with only having two breasts to provide nourishment for their young. Today's births of four to six children at a time would never survive to a two breasted woman.

So the learned men and woman of various influential medical schools, put their collective craniums together to come up with a solution . And that solution was the 6 breasted woman.

This woman of the future - (nicknamed Dolly - in reference to the first cloned sheep not Miss Parton), will have 6 fully functional breasts that will enable her to provide all the nourishment that her newborns will ever need.

There is a wee bit of a downside to this story for the men out there. Most pregnancies today occur as a result of scientists working in laboratories, and not couples working in their bedrooms.

Soon there will be no need for men to play their part in the miracle of life. Expectant Mothers will be able to pick the father of their brood from a catalog. A "Seed Catalog" if you will.

Scientists are thinking that the penis will simply shrivel up and drop off.

That is a bold and blunt statement but there you have it. When I read the words I still can't believe it.

I think I need a moment to compose myself......